My crazy week

It's been all most a week since I blogged last. I was on a roll there for awhile blogging almost every day. Life is good today because I don't have to drink for any reason any more! And that my friends is a great thing.
Life can be good even thou I am having some struggles. Off and on for a couple of years I have been struggling with pain on my right side and in my groaning area. Had it checked out a few times and I just concluded it was my diabetic stomach issue that I have had for years, well last week problems started again. So I went to my doctor on Saturday and after checking me she thought I had a prostate infection. So she gave me some antibiotics and some other meds and sent me on my way. She all so did a blood test to make sure it was not cancer, and it's not. By Monday the pain was very bad. So I went back to her.My doctor decided  to check me for a hernia and it was a lower hernia and I think I have had it for awhile. So I went ti see the surgeon and was on the table by seven. I guess the hernia was worst then they thought. I Spent the night in the hospital and got out Monday  at noon. I guess it's a slow recovery. When your diabetic and have surgery  I guess your blood sugars hit the roof. So I got no sleep Monday night, but the blood sugars are better. This surgery and the hernia has been the worst pain I have every gone through. My appointment with my sergan is on the 12 and the nurse told me that I will be having pain at least until then. I am thankful that my dad had been off he has been helping me out a lot. The hardest thing is laying down and then trying to get up.
I was supposed to see my kids this weekend, but I can't make it. I am suppose to fly out for Alaska on the 19th to see my mom and my brother and his family. Hoping I will be able to still go.
It seems like I have been sick a lot again. On Sunday I will have 14 months sober. Some times in recovery u think that u won't be sick and everyone will trust and accept you. But that's not all ways the case. I probably will be struggling with my health the rest of my life. What I am trying to do is to keep a good attitude and all ways try to remember that God is in full control. Selfpity is easy to to get into, but the more I focus in the good it is easier not to go there.
And the other thing I am working in this week is this, it's not my job to care what others think of me. I worry that people think I fake some of my sickness, but my sponser says that is not for me to worry about!
Any way there's where I am at today. Writting this blog on my phone while on the couch. Have a great day 

Never Give Up!

When things get tough, remeber to never ever give up!



Born Again

This is a Great song and it is where I am at right now. Heard this song on the radio the other day and it really spoke to me. This is where I feel I am at with my faith. The last few weeks I have felt like a new Christian. Even though I went to Bible College and I should know most of what I have forgotten. Its a great new journey that I find myself at today. I have this great renewed relationship with God. I am not perfect but my heart’s desire today is to be more like Jesus! And God has given me many tools in my tool box to work on that every day.

Born Again by Third Day

Well, today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw
He wasnt at all who I thought hed be

I was lost when You found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then You came along
And You sang Your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time in my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel
Is so much more real than anything

Ive a feeling in my soul
And I pray that Im not wrong
That the life I have now
Is only the beginning

It feels like I'm born again
It feel like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time

It feels like Im breathing
(It feels like I'm born again)
It feels like I'm moving
(It feels like I'm living)
For the very first time
(For the very first time)
For the very first time
(For the very first time)

I wasnt looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then You came to me and You gave to me
Life and a love that I never known, that I never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
(Feels like I'm born again)
It feel like I'm living
(It feel like I'm living)
For the very first time
(For the very first time)
Im living for the first time
(For the very first time)

It feels like Im breathing
(It feels like I'm born again)
It feels like I'm moving
(It feels like I'm living)
For the very first time
(For the very first time)
Im living for the first time
(For the very first time)
In my life

Songwriters
SHERIDAN, NAOISE DAVID / CARR, DENNY / MCCOY, JASON

Published by
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BUG MUSIC, EMI Music Publishing, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

The Grove Cafe

The Grove is one of the places that are more than a place to eat. Most locals here in Ames have eaten there at least once. They are famous for their huge and yummy pancake. As you walk in you realize it’s not your normal café, on the wall it says “just like home you don’t all ways get what you want”. Very funny and for me it’s my kind of place. Its where farmers come and bitch about what farmers bitch about, a place where football fans talk about how they could be doing such a better job, its where you go if you just want to see a familiar or smiling face! If you go to the grove expect hearing the owner, Larry yell out some jab at someone and then that customer zings one right back. Every time I go in there it’s like meeting up with family.  If you come and visit Ames and want to see what Iowa is like you better go and check out the Grove!

Riding the Fence

When I was a youth pastor I would tell my students not to be riding the fence, because that fence is a bardwire fence. I told tell them with all the passion I could muster up that they need to fully follow Jesus with all they got or they may slip and fall.
I was remained of this last night at Bible study while the Holy Spirit was convicting me of me riding the fence. I did not think it was very nice of the Holy Spirit to use my own words from like 8 years ago to convict me, just saying. We are studying first Corinthians in the men's Bible study.
I am at a cross roads with my faith in Jesus. I am growing in Him more than I think I have ever. But in my heart there's things that I am having a hard time giving up. And those things are talked about in Chapters five and six. And if I follow the path that Jesus wants me to go many will think I am crazy.
As I was sitting there hurt and shame flooded over me. We started talking about church discipline and all that fun stuff. I have been kicked out of some church's, and that has left some hurt. But I have done some bad stuff, but I need to remember that is all in the past.
So the question is this, do I want to please people or God. The answer is I want to please God. In earlier sobriety, I know I am still in earlier sobriety, but I did things that I knew were wrong in my heart. I am not doing these things now, but the struggle within is still there.
The positive is that I am aware of these things now and I can let God work these things out. I am not a fan of being single, but instead of me trying to make some thing happen, I am going to try, key word try and wait on God.
I am so glad God forgives me, but true repentance is not doing the sin again. I get to lead the Bible study on chapter six on Monday. An area hat I have confessed and now need to do it Gods way.
Oh if u want to know what I am talking about read the passage.
And at the end of the day God has used all that has happened in my life to help ne be more of a Jesus man.

R.I.P Rudy

Today is a very sad day for dad and myself. Rudy was a great dog. He would of been ten in November. We had to put him down this morning. He had cancer. My kids loved Rudy and instead of asking how grandpa was, they always asked how Rudy was. When ever one else stayed away from dad, Rudy was by his side.
When I was sad here at home alone Rudy would come and sit by me. And when I was really sick in bed he would lay in my room.
We are going to miss you and your laud bark to inform us that some one is here. We love you and are going to miss you Mr. Rudy!

BUT GOD..........

I have been thinking about years that have been important in my life. Some dates and years are good memories and others, not so much. February of 1979 was a pretty good year since that is when I was born. Even though I was a sick little guy and they did not think I would make it through.

The Number 7 is important because that is the age that I put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ! That was a good thing. That would be July of 1986. I remember it like it was yesterday. Just got home from VBS and I was sitting on the counter in the old farm house. I started asking questions about faith and Jesus. So my mom, being a good mom helped me through that process! That was a good very good thing!

September of 1993 was not a good time! I was diagnosed with type one diabetes at the age of 14. I was scared to death. That date has impacted my life forever! I started getting complications at a young age and it is a huge struggle for me! So I will put that in the, that really sucked column!

In 1998 I graduated High School, which was a big deal since I have a learning disability. School was very hard for me, but I made it through and made some great friends. That was a pretty hard year to. I missed most of my senior year because I was sick the whole year. That was a bitter sweet year!

January 2001 I started Bible College. In High School they said I could never do that, so that was great to be able to do that. Bible College was great. It was a struggle being in and out of the hospital and having to drop out of school a couple of times. But I was able to learn the Bible and that was GREAT!

August 11 2001 I married my wife! That was pretty great! We were both pretty young, but we took the plunge. I just saw a picture of us about a month after ward and it said, and they said it would not last. Whoever they are, I guess they were right.

In 2001 I got my first youth Pastor Job and that same year got licensed as a Gospel Minister. And somehow to this day I still have that!

2003 and 2005 we had Joel and Michele. That was great! My kids are the best kids ever.

In 2004 I took another youth pastor job at a place that I loved. It was a pretty good church. In the summer of 2006 I started showing my alcoholism by my actions. And that would lead me to being found out as a drunk.

In the summer of 2005 I started to drink. Bad year! I hid that from every one for about a year and a half. It all came out in November 2006. I was asked to resign as Youth Pastor at the place I was out and it seemed the world was falling apart. 2006 started a process that I would stay sober then relapse over and over again. In 2006 I was diagnosed with a mental illness, major depression, and I struggle with that to this day.

August of 2011 my wife had enough and kicked me out. We eventually got divorced in May of 2013, but all  that happened so I would get sober. September 3 2012 was my first sober day and I have not taken a drink since. I finally gave the twelve step programs a chance and they have changed my life.

July 17, 2013 I moved back to Ames to be closer to my kids. I do miss California, but being by my kids is the right thing to do.

So why the fast survey of my life? Well, just to show you how I am where I am. I in the future will explain more on these things. And there are some that I missed. But through it all God has been with me. He never gave up on me, I gave up on Him. I like to say I was in the pit, BUT GOD! I have been told by pastors that they will not work with me because I was not faithful. I have been told that I am a lost cause. I have been shunned by whole churches and people, BUT GOD never gave up on me. He waited for me to be ready to fully come to Him. To give my will and my life over to Him. Even if people disappoint me or give up on me, God will never ever leave me or forsake me. Jesus came to save people like me! That I am grateful for! Keep reading and I will do my best at writting!

The Peoples Coach

When you are a college football fans all your worried about is winning! I know that is what I want. But when you’re a Cyclone fan you don’t all ways get that. We have some good years and then we have some really bad years. In the winning factor Iowa State is not having its best season. But, the guy who is leading the team is in my books probably the best coach Iowa State could ask for. Why do I say that?

Well first he cares deeply about his players. If you ever have seen in of the clips from him after the game in the locker room you would know that to be true. He is passionate about his players and he shows care and love for them that I have ever seen from a coach.

Second, he really cares about his fans! Every Friday before a home game Coach Paul Rhoads and his players come and visit at the hospital. When I was in the hospital they came into my room to visit me. If anyone knows me you know that made my whole day! It was funny joking around with them. I told coach Rhoads that if they lose to Iowa I know places in Northern California I could bury him and no one would ever find his body. His team thought that was funny, but later I thought maybe that was over board! So I got some pictures with the team and they left the room.

Thirdly I saw coach Rhoads again the other day. I was eating breakfast at the best place in town and here coach Rhoads walks in. He walks by me and I ask him if he remembered from the hospital. I started to laugh and said oh yes I do! I guess when someone tells you that you are going to bury them they don’t forget that. So he sits down and after I had my breakfast I walked over to him and asked him how I could pray for him that day. We talked for a little bit and then both got up to pay our bills. Paul Rhoads paid for my breakfast! In his world I am nothing but probably an annoying fan but he showed love towards me by buying me breakfast!

In the world today sports is a huge thing. And of course you want your team to be the best of all. But I would rather have a coach like Paul Rhoads then someone who is winning all the time but has not love and compassion for his players and the fans. I think in time high school kids will see what kind of man Paul Rhoads is and want to come and play for him.

So even though this year is not the best year in the win column on the field, but Iowa State has a big win with who is running the program.

It works it you work it!

There are two books in my life that have changed me forever, first is the Bible and secound is the Big Book. I have had a hard time here in Iowa since I have been here. Not knowing what I am suppose to do and so focusing on that. Once I gave that to God, which was yesterday things seemed to open up. Because of the 12 steps and God I am able to go to Alaska and spend the holidays with my family out there! I was all so very suprised when my ex wife told me I could see my kids for three days the first weekend in November!

I don't all ways live this program %100, but the key is am I willing to change when God shows me something I need to work on. And for the most part I am. Except for the times I am not :-)

I still some times have a mouth like a sailor and God knows I still have my charter defects, but I am going to keep doing the AA way of life!

Quotes About Carpe Diem

I was not aware of it, but lately I have been full of self pitty and fear! I came to that realization last night at an AA meeting or it was something that my sponsor said. Well any way the good thing is that I realized it. And my word for the day today is Carpe Diem which means to seize the day. Every day I have the opportunity to have a good day or a bad one, and that's up to me. Its my attitude that matters, not what others do.I seem to all ways focus on the negative, but my life today is better than it has ever been. I need to be happy where God has me today and be the best Peaches that I can be.

So I thought it would be fun to put some quotes from people about this idea of Carpe Diem

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Teresa

 The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

 “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx 

 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34”
― Jesus, Holy Bible: King James Version

  “The future starts today, not tomorrow.”
― John Paul II

 Don't count the days, make the days count.”
― Muhammad Ali

 “Live a good life. In the end it is not the years in a life, but the life in the years.”
― Abraham Lincoln

 “When you kill time, remember that it has no resurrection.”
― A.W. Tozer

Acceptance

Acceptance is one of the hardest things for me to do. Being sober does not mean that every one and every thing does what I want. I am in a period in my life that I really don't like, but I still have to accept the things I can not change. Some where in the last couple of weeks I have forgotten that this thing is one day at a time. And to keep it simple stupid! I have an ego that wants every one to like me and be the super hero that saves the day. Today I need to focus on me and take it easy! 13 months of being sober is bit going to fix all the wrongs I did for many years!
Back ti the basics I go. I just won't fucking drink today!

Waiting

Sometimes all we can do is wait for the Lord. That goes against my idea that I all ways need to do something. Patience has never been a strong point. But sometimes I can do every thing I am supposed to do and then I need to just wait in on the Lord
I just finished finished reading Genesis and you see in that book that some of them had to wait and wait.

Genesis

Do you ever think you have to be perfect to be used by God? If so I encourage you to read the book of Genesis.
This is what I observed from this book. We know Adam and Eve screwed up, they disobeyed God. Noah saved those who were in the ark and then he got drunk. But God still uses them.
Have u ever struggled with the God thing and in your mind wrestled with him, you are not alone.
In Genesis 32 Jacob literally wrestled with God. God would rather Havana be honest with Him than try to be fake. Genesis shows us from the beginning people failed but He still loved them and used them.
In all my struggles in life whether it be my health, my depression or my alcoholism God still wants to use me. God has not called the perfect but the willing. The church today would have u think u have to be perfect, if that was the case not many in Genesis would of been used by God.
Today I am going to keep walking, what about you?

The kids and I

Pastor to the Pastor less

What does that mean? Good question but for the past few months during my time of prayer I feel the Holy Spirit telling me that. No I am not going to start a church. I in my onion am no pastor in the sense we have today. It is more being there to those who are broken hearted and don’t feel like they can be at a church yet. To minister to those who seem to be the outcast of society and the “Christian” society. Being a pastor is really not about the title, its about action. How can I reach out to those who need Jesus as much as I do even if they are doing things that I don’t all ways agree with?

So, the last few weeks I have been just reaching out to people in Love. Listening to those who hurt. And being the best Jesus man that I can be. I will probably never fit the mold we have today what a pastor looks like. But I belive I have those spiritual gifts and I have had a calling for a long time. But for me being a pastor does not fit the pretty little box we have at church. It is to be there for the outcast, well the kind of people Jesus ministered to.

If that makes any sense than that is good. I am still trying to figure it out myself!

Eore, Chicken Little and Tigger

Eore, Chicken little and Tigger

I have noticed that it seems that I have three cartoon charters living inside me and guide my emotions. The first one is Eore, who all ways sees the negative in life. Even if life is great he sees the negative. For Example: This weekend I got to see my kids. It was a GREAT time. We went bowling on Friday and all so went and saw a movie. Then on Saturday we went to a parade and then went and watched the UW Platteville game. It was a great time with the kids. When I was driving home I looked at the negative. Oh I just get to see them for a day and a half. My ex-wife gave me a box of my things and of course I saw the negative in that. But all in all it was a great weekend.

Chicken little sees the world as it is falling apart. I again thought the world was falling apart on my way home as I was beating myself up for the past. Knowing that it is me that has caused the things to be the way they are.

Then there’s tigger. When I finally get out of the first two attitudes I bounce around knowing that life is not that bad. No care in the world.

This is one thing I am working on. Being balanced with my emotions. I am better than I was, but I could be doing a lot better. It is encouraging when I read the Bible and I see that those who God used had there problems to. In my reading this morning I read about the great flood. And after the flood Noah got drunk! But God still used him even though he slipped up.

It seems that God wants to use us if we are willing. He has not called the sinless, or He would use angels. He has called me to do the best I can. And to do the best I can do is to continue to seek Him. I know that He can use my mistakes/sins for His glory.

KISS

Keep It Simple Stupid! I tell myself that all most every day! It’s so easy for me to complicate life and make things harder than they should be. For many years I had mad my faith in Jesus a very complicated thing. I tried to follow the rules and the don’ts as best as I could. And I failed. I had complicated the idea of Jesus so much that it was I who was trying to live the Christian life and not allowing the spirit of God to work in me.

When I finally got to AA and was serious about the program I finally understood what it meant to be a Jesus follower. While in the rooms of AA in Eurkea I was reminded of the term I use to use, Keep It Simple Stupid. I had put God in a box that He should have never been in. When I became willing to surrender to Him, He drew near to me. God never forsaken me, I thought that I knew all the theology on God and I had this thing covered. Boy was I wrong.

Today I do two things, first I am working the program of AA and second I am working the program of Jesus. The program of Jesus for me today is to words, Love and Grace! How can I show others love and grace? And how do I accept His free love and Grace every day. Does this seem to simple? Good!

This weekend I am headed to see me kids. It’s the same town that I had to stop being a youth pastor at because of my Alcoholism. When I go there I have lots of fear and of course regret. But I can go there this weekend knowing that Christ has forgiven me through His grace. My Keep Simple Stupid program will remind me not to complicate or over future trip what could and could not happen.

As a normal recovering Alcoholic I want everything to be put back in order to day. But I know that it is one day at a time. And sometimes one minute at a time. God knows my heart. And as my sponser tells me all the time it is not my job to care what other people think of me. So today and this weekend I am going to try and keep it simple stupid!

Pastor Appreaction month

October is Pastor Appreaction month. We should not just do this once a year, but it's a good reminder that we need to encourage them. They have a hard job. We putmany expectations on them that should not all ways be there. We expect them to be perfect. They are human like the rest of us. They are called the be Shepards and to equip the saints to be more like Jesus. Maybe the best thing we can do this month is thank them and to just give them a break. Not expecting them to be perfect.
I am thankful to all the pastors I have had in my life and the pastors who have hung in there with me at my worst. You know who u are :-)

change

Its that time of year for change. Fall is upon us and the leaves are changing and the farmers are back in there feilds. I love this time of year. It reminds me that I to can change. Today I can do things in my life to become more like Christ. I not only can change but those around me can to. I need to be willing to give others a secound or maybe even a tenth chance. Jesus sure said we need to forgive and forgive!

It's been a long time!

Well, It's been a while since I have written any thing on here. My last post was a long time ago and I have gone through a lot since I posted last. Last time I wrote I was in California. I now find myself in Ames, Iowa a divorced man that lives three hours from his kids. But life is better today then it has ever been. Since 2005 I have been struggling with Alcoholism being sober for awhile and then not being sober. I did that for years in and out of treatment programs and praying so hard to Jesus that He would just take the problem away. After loosing every thing in life I finally hit my bottom on September 3rd 2012, that is when I had my first sober day. And I have been sober ever since. God led me to the rooms of AA and that is where I truly found God. I have been a believer in Jesus Christ since I have been 7. But I had all ways put him in a box. I tired to all ways live up to the rules of man and I become the person that I was not. When I got to AA I was reminded of the great Grace of Jesus Christ. Or the Power Greater than myself who I choose to call Jesus Christ. God truley has done for me what I could not do for myself. That is just a fast little update for you all.