I need a toe truck

Its amazing how I find ways to hurt myself. I am staying down in the basement and I went up for a drink of water at 1:30am. When I went back down the stairs I slipped and fell down the last couple of steps. I broke my left big toe. Had to go to the ER and the doctor had to reset it. So hopefully it will stay set, if not the doc said when I get back to Iowa I might need to have a pin put in.

Well I am going to keep walking, maybe a little slower but still keeping on a walking!

Longsufferung

Christmas is all most over. It has been a good day. Last night was fun, I got to sing in the choir at my brother's church for the candle light service. We had a full house up here in Alaska with some extra guests. Gifts were exchanged and my brother read the Christmas story. Thanking God today that He is longsufferung and that Jesus is my strength when I am weak. When the world seems to be going crazy around me I can abide in Him. I know today that God does not make junk. And when I fall short He picks me up an we keep walking!

Can we agree to disagree?

Can we agree to disagree? That's the question that has been rolling around my head today. To be friends with someone, do we have to agree on everything? Well I think the answer is that we as people and friends don't have to agree on everything. I have learned this lesson the past few years. But it seems that some people won't be your friend unless you agree with them on every thing. So it's a good question and I will probably keep pondering on this.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I did not get Christmas Cards out this year. I am spending the holidays in Palmer, Alaska with my mom, brother and his family. It has been very fun and crazy at times! But it is sure nice spending the holidays with family! This year has been the year of change for me. Its been an up and down year for me, some really good points and some low points but through all of this God has always been good.

At the end of May Regan and I got divorced after 12 years of marriage. That was a hard time for me, but all my good friends in Eureka helped me through it. I moved to Ames, Iowa on July 17th from Eureka California. It was so hard to leave Eureka since that is were I got sober. Part of me still wishes I lived in Eureka, but I moved back to Ames to be closer to my kids. September 3, 2012 I celebrated one year of sobritey. We had a big party out at Wakefield Woods. I got to see my kids a couple of times this year, which was all ways great. They are growing up to fast.

I am living with my dad in Ames. In October we had to put down our family German Shepherded down, Rudy. He had cancer and he was ten years old. Not to worry, just a few weeks ago dad and went and got a German Shepherd puppy!

Joel is ten years old and Michele is eight. Joel enjoyed basball and football season this year and is looking forward to playing tackle next year. Michele is growing up way to fast. I think she is the smartest kid in her class :-) They are adjusting well to the move to Platteville and are very active at there church.

Of course I had a couple of health issues, but whats new! I was in the hospital with my diabetes in September. That was a pretty good stay since I got to meet Paul Rhoads and the ISU football team! Then at the end of October I had a hernia surgey. I recoverd pretty good from that.

Now I am in Alaska enjoying my family. It is a very busy house, but it is fun. I got to see a moose up close. And one of my favoirte things to do is go to a local restruant and eat reinder sousage. I keep busy by going to lots of AA meetings and hanging out with the family

I am so thankful this year for my sobriety. I owe it all to God and AA. I finally gave up and gave my life and will to the care of God and worked the steps. It is sure a life changing thing!  My relationship with Jesus has really grown in a big way the last few months. He has done for me what I could not do for myself. My idea of what a Jesus follower has changed the last year. I try to be more like him, though I know I fall short.

I hope you all find the true meaning of this season. For me the true meaning of the season is Jesus. He came as a baby and grew up and died on the cross for our sin. And if I trust in Him I will have eternal life! May God bless you and yours this holiday season!

I am going to keep walking, Gary (Peaches)

HOPE

I am up early this morning, my high blood sugar woke me up. It's been a good few days. Christmas time is sure a busy time. I think some times we get so busy we forget the true meaning of Christmas. It's been nice being here in Alaska, I don't have to plan or organize any thing really so am I really enjoying Christmas time this year. For me this Christmas is a time of Hope! Which it should always be, but I have time to think and meditate on this idea. My hope comes from Jesus Christ. Christ did not just come on the scene as a baby in the Bible. He appeared to people as the angel of the Lord in the Old Testament. That fourth guy in the fiery furnace was Jesus. Jacob wrestled with the Angel of the Lord whom is Jesus. And in John 1 it says that Jacob wrested with an Angel and I believe that Angel to be Jesus. But this time he came as a humble baby. And grew up a humble man. He was fully God and fully man. Feeling the pains that we feel and feeling the struggle with sin. He paid the ultimate price as God as He hung on the cross for our sins. There is Hope in Jesus. When we follow Him He adopts us in His family. He cam as a baby to give us new life. This is what Christmas means to me. In the past I have got so caught up in every thing else and have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas.

Hope is a good thing for a guy like me to be focusing on. We all need hope or we just start loosing the point of life. Hope gives me goals and direction. Some times I feel like I don't matter. What do I have to offer any more is in my head way to much. But if I walk as Jesus did then that's a pretty good start. Every day I have an option, am I going to use the tools God has given me or am I just going to walk through the day and fall back into old habits and attitudes. I have learned for me I have to get my butt to an AA meeting every day. It gives me Hope as I look at the twelve steps and hear how others are doing these things one day at a time. I want every thing fixed now. And I want to be doing something amazing reaching peoples lives today. But I know that my recovery is one day at a time. And if I really look at my day I do help people as much as I can. Most of my life I did not think God was using me unless I was in full time ministry. Well, as a Jesus follower I am always in full time ministry if I am willing to do what every God asks me to do, even if I think its a small thing.

My idea of a Jesus follower has changed a lot the last couple of years. A lot of us have our ideas of what a "Christian" should look like and do. And a lot of it comes from outside appearances. We think we have to look good and say and not say certain things. As I go through the gospels Jesus was not sitting around the synagogs He was out with the "bad" people. Well, people like me. He reached out to the people that no one else would reach out to. He loved the people that the religious folks would have nothing to do with.

This is a huge thing that AA as taught me since I have been working the program is to love people as they are not as I want them to be. I put myself in a relgous box that I could not live up to. When I got to AA I found that out. When I keep working the steps I find out who God wants me to be. It took me to shatter that neat little box I was living in and really allow God to work in my life!

Hope! That's my focus this month. And if I stick with Jesus and stick close to the fellowship I will understand more every day what that word means! 

Depression is not a four letter word!

Sometimes when I go to blog my head is empty. Well, that happens a lot to me any way. But when you blog you want to write something profound and wonderful. And I probably fall short on the profound and wonderful thing all the time. A lot of stuff is going through my head this morning I guess I just cant get it all to stop in one place for me to have a nice organized blog this morning. So here are my unorganized thoughts going through my head.

First, the wind. The wind is blowing pretty good this morning. My phone tells me its going 45mph. Now that's some pretty good wind! As I was laying in my bed this morning I was thinking about how I cant see the wind, but I can see the effects of the wind. I cant see the wind but I know its not there. That lead me to think about my faith. I cant see God, but I know He is there. Hebrews 11:1 and 2 says,  Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. ² This is what the ancients were commended for. 
When you start talking about God some folks start getting uneasy, but in my recovery and life in general I must believe in God. I cant see the wind but I know its there and I cant see God but I know He is there. I can see God through the things that He is doing in my life and others around me. Now Hebrews 11 is an interesting chapter. I like to call it the Hall of Faith. Its where the writer of Hebrews talks about the great men and woman of the Old Testament who had great faith. When you take a close look at these great men and woman you see that most of them, wait for it, were not perfect. WOW! You have a drunk, a murder, and adultery, a prostitute, and many other failers among these great people of faith. BUT GOD! Yes, but God still used them. Even though they failed they kept there faith. They fell down but got back up and kept serving God. I tend to think sometimes that God can not use me because I have failed in so many ways, but if God can use these folks then I guess He can use me. 

As I read Hebrews Chapter 11 two guys for me stand out, Elijah and David. It seems that they both struggled with depression. For David just read the Psalms. You can really see his despair, but he keeps his Hope in the Lord. Elijah struggled with depression after he had a great victory. I can relate to these guys who struggle with depression in the Bible because I have struggled with it for years. We don't like talking about it because it is not cool to be depressed and it is looked down on. You must be weak if you struggle with depression and you must not be walking a good "Christian" walk if you struggle with it some people may say. But depression is a real thing and something that God understands. There is hope for me if I keep my eyes on Jesus. And for me using the tools He has given me. Those tools are seeing a counselor and taking meds. And I keep going to AA meetings.

There is a great website that has a lot of good articles on this and other issues. It is  http://www.nacr.org/ 

I don't know how wind led to depression, but it did. When we are depressed we need to deal with it and when there are those who are struggling with it around us we need to encourage them. I just read a good article from the website I talked about. This time of year many folks who are like me struggle with the holidays. I am up here with lots of family in Alaska but I am struggling with the fact that I can not see or even talk to my kids at this time. It would be easy for me just to slip in a deep depression and feel sorry for my self. But I cant do that! I have to go to AA meetings, go to church and just keep on keeping on. I had a guy from AA once tell me that pain equals growth and I hold on to that very deeply during times like this.

Today I am going to keep walking!

Ice

I think God uses different things in our lives to teach us lessons. It's been very icey around here the last few days. That has caused me to slow down while driving and enjoy more of the wonderful things that my eyes can see. It has all so made me more cautious while walking outside so I did slip and break a leg or something. Easy does it is a phrase in AA and what God is showing me through the ice is to not all ways be in a hurry or rush to get some where or to want something in the future to happen now. I have not been good at enjoying the now. "Right here Right now, I am o.k." Tha is so true for me right now. I think God is giving me a chance up here in Alaska to draw more close to Him. I need to embrace that fact any instead of worrying, I need robust keep it simple. After I am done here I am going back to Ames, hopefully different than I left.
I am going to keep walking!

Top Ten: You know your an alcholic when.....

Top Ten: You know your an alcholic when:

10. You live in Los Vagas and you end up in Chiago in the dead of winter not knowing how you got there.

9. You end up at the Oakland bus station passed out drunk out in front.

8. You take the pastors van to the strip club.

7. You wake up next to a sheep in your bed.

6. You think that the jail is a hotel.

5. You start your drinking career at Bible College.

4. Your friends tell you your not an alcholic and then after drinking with you they tell you they think you might be an alcholic.

3. You switch from Jack Daniels to methadone.

2. You end up in the mental helath ward of the hospital and you look around and think these people are crazy and then, wiat a minute I am in here to!

1. You leave the house telling every one your going to the post office and don't come home for three days!

Happy Birthday Jim!

It is 8am here in Palmer, AK and it is still dark as night! Still trying to get use to that, as I am an early riser I am use to the sun coming up by now. The roads have a nice coat of ice on them, but no fear my moms car is done and she has four wheel drive!! Its nice and peaceful still this morning, the kids are still asleep. When they wake up the house is full of lots of energy!

I am excited I was asked to speak at an Alanon anniversary meeting on January 1st! So I am staying here in Alaska probably until the next week. It has been really nice here but it will all so be nice to be home! It is so cool going to meeting up here in Alaska. The folks here in the fellowship have welcomed me with open arms. I love the fellowship, the message is always the same, even if the meetings are ran differently than I am use to.

"The spiritual life is not a theory" we are told by the big book. And that is so true. It is not all ways easy to live out what I learn in the rooms, but if I do I have a better life.

Today is my brother Jims Birthday! He is 44 today, an old man! It is nice being up here this year for his birthday. I told him in his card that he has all ways been like a brother to me! He like the rest of us is not perfect, but he keep walking!

My mom's health this last weekend was not very good. But she has a very good doctor and she is doing much better. It was a pretty strussful weekend but God broought us through.

Hope we all just remember to keep walking today! Walking the path that God has given us to walk!

Alaska!!!

Being in Alaska is sure a different experience. This morning its a nice twelve degrees below zero! The sun does not shine until about ten o' Clock. And it is dark by four or five in the afternoon. But it is a beautiful place to be. We are surrounded by wonderful and glorious mountains. On sunny days the sun reflects the beauty of the snow topped mountains. The roads are covered with a thin coat of snow, as it is so cold they cant clear it all off. As I opened the door the other night I was welcomed by a two year old moose who was enjoying the salt we had put on our steps. He payed no attention to me as I opened the door shocked and wondering what on earth this big beast was. My brother walked over to me and said yep that's a two year old moose. We stood there for awhile watching this moose enjoying his treat until he noticed us and walked away. As you drive into Palmer you go over a river. The last few days steam has been coming up from it as it warms a little bit in the day and gets cold again at night. Alaska is one of those places that every one should go to before they die.

What's a amazing about this trip is that my family wants me here! One of the gifts of the program. Its a house full of life and energy, to much for me some time. My mom and my brother and his wife and kids all live in the same house. They have seven kids from the ages 20 to 6. But it is a blessing to have time with all of them. From little Abby all ways saying, " My Uncle" to Hannah and I cracking up at something stupid I said or something funny we are talking about. I walked in the living room the other day and Jim had his gun apart and his bullets all over the floor. Theres no dull moment in the Eaches house up here in Alaska. What's really scary is simion who is 14 reminds me of myself when I was his age, poor kid.

There has been no rock throwing or condemning of me in this house since I have been here. Which they all probably could throw a rock or two at me for the things I have done in the past. Its a house full of love and acceptance. I have done amends to all the family members here that I have needed to do. And they have accepted me and loved me.

Another miracle of the program is that I am going back to Ames to be with my dad. And the big miralce is that he wants me there. Maybe its because he has a new puppy and needs me there, no thats not the case. I have prayed for years that God would restore my relatioinship with my dad. And it seems that is happening.

As you know I was going to move back to Eureka because I am no longer able to see my kids for at least a year I am told. But I am not going to run. I am going to stay in Ames so when my kids need me and when I am able to see them they will know I am near by. I know if I keep doing what I am doing God will keep doing what He is doing.

I am thankful to God this morning that I can spend time with my family and that healing is happening in my life. Some areas it is happening quickly and some areas it is happening slowly, but if I keep working the program and walking with Jesus things will keep getting better. That does not mean that pain will not come, because in my life pain equals growth.

A better way

As I go through this new life that the twelve steps and Jesus has given me I have had ups and downs. This road was never promised to be easy. I use to drink to hide my feelings and the pain of life. Today I have tools to get through the pain.
While being here in Alaska I have been able to go and do service work at meetings. The fellowship is a wonderful thing. Today I don't have to react to negative things by responding badly. Not that I do this all the time, but the more I live the program the better my life is.

A few more weeks and I will be back on Ames Iowa, hopefully I will have grown a little bit.

Knee jerk reaction

Sitting here stuck in a snow bank waiting for my brother to pull me out. Another piece of humble pie. Good lesson not to park to close to snow bank.
It will be one week tomorrow since I have been here in Alaska. Its been fun and crazy. The house is full of life, some times to much life for me.
I have had a chance to really be in prayer the last few days. My old reaction to problems is to run from them. So at the time when I got that letter it sounded like a good idea to move back to Eureka. But that is old behavior. What I need to do is go back to Ames so I am there when I can see my kids. I know I am a flake, and if some want to think that well that's ok.
So after visiting here I am going back to Ames. My knee jerk reaction was just that, a knee jerk reaction.
I guess this is all in the growth process. I am sure not perfect yet!

Wreckage

I have been told many times that pain equals growth. I believe that to be true, but it's a hard and sometimes a lonely road. Trying to clear the wreckage of the past is becoming very hard. I feel sometimes just giving up. But I am going to continue to keep walking.
I am confused what the right move is for me. I am struggling with depression pretty hard right now, but I am going to keep walking!

He is strong

Life has been crazy! It is great being here in Alaska! I am still trying to put my mind around the little note I got from my ex. And still trying to figure out what God's will is for me. My first reaction was to just run back to Eureka, but is that the answer? Some times in life there is not a clear answer what the right thing is.

Feeling tired and still hurting a little bit from my surgery. When I am weak He is strong.

Being all things to all people, WHAT?

¹⁹ Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. ²⁰ When I was with the Jews, I lived like a Jew to bring the Jews to Christ. When I was with those who follow the Jewish law, I too lived under that law. Even though I am not subject to the law, I did this so I could bring to Christ those who are under the law. ²¹ When I am with the Gentiles who do not follow the Jewish law,^[d] I too live apart from that law so I can bring them to Christ. But I do not ignore the law of God; I obey the law of Christ.
²² When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. ²³ I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.
²⁴ Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. ²⁶ So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. ²⁷ I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. 1 Corninthians 9:19-27)

This is part of our study tonight at Men’s Bible Study. We are on the chapter of 1 Corinthians 9. I am leading tonight, which is the first time I have led a Bible study in over a year! The scripture above really impacts me. Paul says I become all things to all people so some may be saved. That is my heart right now. It seems in main line Christianity we want to fit in this nice little box. But if Paul becomes all things to all people what would that look like today? Would Paul go into a Bar? Would Paul go to an AA meeting and talk like they talk? Would Paul go to the streets and do what they do? This blows our mind. Paul would not get drunk or use drugs, that’s my guess but he would go into those places. Would he be welcome in our churches if he did that? And what about Jesus. Who did He come to save? He can to save those who most of us would cross the street to avoid. As I am relearning what the Bible really teaches, I am seeing that our idea of a pretty little church is not really what Paul or Jesus thought or lived. Am I so concerned what others think that I will just “play Church”, or will I truly live a life that Jesus and Paul lived. This stuff really makes you think if you read what the word says and not what you want it to say. Just saying, not judging!

Forgiveness

One of the best thing that happened here in Iowa that I have been able to get to know my dad better. Through the twelve steps I truly forgave my dad. I am so thankful for him. He helped me out a lot and when I had surgery I could not have done it with out him. He has gone above and beyound. It is hard leaving him, but the bond between us has become strong and I an sure he will visit and I will to! Thanks dad for being there for me in this time. Love you dad.

Curve Ball

Some times in life we get a curve ball. It does not all ways go the way you had planned. Back in the summer I struggled very hard with leaving a place o loved to go back to Iowa and be closer with my kids. After much prayer I decided to go closer to my kids.
Through my drinking I had hurt my family in many ways. I was able to only see my kids twice since my health went to hell! For some reason my ex wife has decided I can't see my kids for a year. No reason given so I don't know what I did. The way the divorce decree is written she can do this. I trusted her when she said I will never keep the kids from u. When I revived this short letter last week I was devastated. My thought is who the hell is this woman.
I have decided that for now I can't afford and my health can't handle a fight. And I don't want to put the kids through all of this. So I am moving back to Eureka. After my trip to Alaska I am going to California. I know that a lot of people will agree or disagree with me and that's fine. I have to do first of all what's going to keep me sober. And second what I think the right thing to do is. All I know I am still sober today and it looks pretty good I will make it tomorrow. Know one said this sobriety road would be easy, but I would rather have a bad day sober than a good day drunk any day.

I will sire be visiting Iowa again since my dad is here and the kids are here too. With God al things are possible.

Good Report

Doctor visit went well. No cancer and I get to go to see all the Alaska Eaches! I leave a week from today!

It is easy to have great news but then focus on the one bad thing of the day! Still don't have the acceptance thing down as well as I would like! But, I am going to keep walking!

Trusting in HIM

Life is a lot like the seasons here in Iowa. The seasons change and life changes. In life we live in different seasons. Maybe it’s a season of blessing where everything is fitting into place or maybe is a season of sadness where we have experienced a loss or are going through some pain. And maybe it’s a season of change. They say in Iowa if you don’t like the weather wait five minutes and it will change. Isn’t that how life can be some time. I have realized the last few days that my perception on life is not all ways right. That’s why I have to go to the fellowship and go to church. Both of these places help me see who I really am. Then when I read the books, the bible and the Big Book I really see where I am and where I need to be.

My biggest fear in life is that I won’t matter. That I won’t impact the world in any way. That fear seems to come out strong when I am sick or in the hospital or just had surgery. But I have to step back and see that for me that is not the point in life. The point in life is to be more like Christ. That does not mean live by the standards of men, but the standards of Jesus. All those years of drinking never changed my status with Jesus. I am still His, He still has me as His son. We talk about forgiveness in the church. And on forgiveness I say talk is cheap. For me the hardest person to forgive is myself. Once I can forgive myself that is when true growth happens.

Any hoot, I say all that to say that today is my doctor’s appointment when I find out if the biopsy came back showing any thing and if I can go to Alaska next Tuesday. I can either worry or give those cares to Jesus. That is what I am learning. In life there are many things I can worry or get angry about. But if I truly believe that HE is in control what do I have to worry about? Don’t know if any of this makes since so if you can get something out of this that is good! So today I am going to keep walking!

Baby Steps

Last Sunday marked my 14th month of being sober. The most sobriety time I had to this point was 18 months, but I was not working any program and I was pretty much off the hook. I was white knuckleing it. But I was full of resentments and anger. For me it was not until I went to AA and worked the steps that I have found true sobriety. I stopped trying to stop drinking for every one else and am know doing it for my self. I was told many times if I really wanted to stop I would and I did not have enough faith in Jesus. Once in AA I realized that I was sick, and my medicine was AA. So for me today I need AA and I need Jesus.
Life has been hard since I have been sober, but I can do through any thing and not drink. I am in trouble if I don't work the program of AA and don't work the program of Jesus!

More will be revealed!

Finding out more about my surgery I had last Monday. The doc never really talked to me but he talked to my dad. I asked dad last night all that went on in my surgery, well the biggest thing that he told me is that they had to take a biopsy of something and had to send it out to make sure it is not cancer. He is not sure what it was they had to biopsy. So I will find out on the 12th when I have my postop appointment. The surgery  was longer than they thought it would be and the doc told my dad I will be struggling with the pain for a few weeks. This has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Monday and Tuesday were pretty good days. And then yesterday and today the pain has been pretty bad.
Just an update for u all and it u pray please pray for me. God is teaching me something, trying to figure out what! All I can do today is keep on keeping on!

Have we forgot how to be thankful?

The Bible says give thanks in every thing. The fellowship has taught me to be grateful and even in the worst of times there is all ways something to be grateful for!

It seems that America wants to skip the thankful holiday and go right to Christmas. Christmas music is all ready playing. I think we need to all ways be thankful, but lets forget the holiday that we call Thanksgiving. We need that in America because we do a lot of complaining, so Thanksgiving is a good time to stop and be thankful.
I am grateful and thankful for: God, my sobriety, and my family. I am all so grateful and thankful that I have diabetes because I have to rely on God, thankful for all my health problems because when I am weak HE is strong.
So let's be thankful and grateful in all things!!

Diabetic awareness month

November is diabetic awareness month. We all probably know someone that has diabetes. Especially type two. Type two you get when you are older and many times you can reverse type two by diet and exercise and by loosing a few pounds. Usually if u have type to u can take a pill and not insulin. They know that type two is genetic. Both of my brother's have type two diabetes. Its a hard road to be on.
Now I am the lucky one in the family to have type one diabetes. I got diagnosed at age 14. I have had some major stuggles through the years. My junior high and high school years were pretty good. I played sports and was very active. In my early 20s I started getting really sick and throwing up. Finally I Found my self in Mayo Clinic in Minnesota in 2007 where I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. That is where your food does not digest properly and you end up really sickens throwing up. At one point I had feeding tubes. I all so struggle with depression and I am recovering alcoholic and have been sober since September 3 2012. That sure did not help my diabetes. It seems that I am all ways sick with some thing and diabetes is a huge struggle. Bit today I am going to my diabetic doctor and doing the best I can. I get down about having diabetes, but I press on. On Monday o had a hernia surgery and of course my sugars took a hit. But I keep on getting up and trying to live life one day at a time. I try to encourage others to keep on keeping on.
So what can we do this month? Well first gives diabetic a break. Over the past 20s years i have seen society change there attitude towards diabetics. Especially towards type two, but people are hard on us ones to. Just be helpful and not critical.
Second you can donate to the American Diabetes Association or other diabetic groups.
Third do some thing crazy to spread awareness. Like o am growing out my beard this month and when some one asks me why I am doing it I will tell them.
If I are in your 30s ans beyond do every thing you can not to get it!

Gratitude in the midst of pain

It's been a hard week physically for me and for some of my friends! My surgery was not planned, which is a good thing because if I knew how hard this surgery was to recover from and I had time to think about I would of tried to get out of it. But they knew I needed surgery any I needed it right away. I did not know that u could have such a bad hernia that they had to do an emergency hernia survey. What I mean by that is I went to the doctor at 3 and was on the table by 7pm. I told them that I had eaten that day, but that did not change there mind. This is probably the worst pain I have been in. I just hope it will be better so I can go to Alaska.
But even with all the pain and feeling like crap God is still good. I a very blessed first of all I get to do this sober. Secound I am blessed by having my dad here for most of the week. I would not have been even able to get off the couch some days if it was not for him. Third I have been blessed by all the encouraging phone calls and visits. Especially when one of my visitors brought me pizza! Even through the pain I can be grateful!
By the way I am going to be laid up for a few more days and I love visitors and phone calls :-)

My crazy week

It's been all most a week since I blogged last. I was on a roll there for awhile blogging almost every day. Life is good today because I don't have to drink for any reason any more! And that my friends is a great thing.
Life can be good even thou I am having some struggles. Off and on for a couple of years I have been struggling with pain on my right side and in my groaning area. Had it checked out a few times and I just concluded it was my diabetic stomach issue that I have had for years, well last week problems started again. So I went to my doctor on Saturday and after checking me she thought I had a prostate infection. So she gave me some antibiotics and some other meds and sent me on my way. She all so did a blood test to make sure it was not cancer, and it's not. By Monday the pain was very bad. So I went back to her.My doctor decided  to check me for a hernia and it was a lower hernia and I think I have had it for awhile. So I went ti see the surgeon and was on the table by seven. I guess the hernia was worst then they thought. I Spent the night in the hospital and got out Monday  at noon. I guess it's a slow recovery. When your diabetic and have surgery  I guess your blood sugars hit the roof. So I got no sleep Monday night, but the blood sugars are better. This surgery and the hernia has been the worst pain I have every gone through. My appointment with my sergan is on the 12 and the nurse told me that I will be having pain at least until then. I am thankful that my dad had been off he has been helping me out a lot. The hardest thing is laying down and then trying to get up.
I was supposed to see my kids this weekend, but I can't make it. I am suppose to fly out for Alaska on the 19th to see my mom and my brother and his family. Hoping I will be able to still go.
It seems like I have been sick a lot again. On Sunday I will have 14 months sober. Some times in recovery u think that u won't be sick and everyone will trust and accept you. But that's not all ways the case. I probably will be struggling with my health the rest of my life. What I am trying to do is to keep a good attitude and all ways try to remember that God is in full control. Selfpity is easy to to get into, but the more I focus in the good it is easier not to go there.
And the other thing I am working in this week is this, it's not my job to care what others think of me. I worry that people think I fake some of my sickness, but my sponser says that is not for me to worry about!
Any way there's where I am at today. Writting this blog on my phone while on the couch. Have a great day 

Never Give Up!

When things get tough, remeber to never ever give up!



Born Again

This is a Great song and it is where I am at right now. Heard this song on the radio the other day and it really spoke to me. This is where I feel I am at with my faith. The last few weeks I have felt like a new Christian. Even though I went to Bible College and I should know most of what I have forgotten. Its a great new journey that I find myself at today. I have this great renewed relationship with God. I am not perfect but my heart’s desire today is to be more like Jesus! And God has given me many tools in my tool box to work on that every day.

Born Again by Third Day

Well, today I found myself
After searching all these years
And the man that I saw
He wasnt at all who I thought hed be

I was lost when You found me here
And I was broken beyond repair
Then You came along
And You sang Your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time in my life

Make a promise to me now
Reassure my heart somehow
That the love that I feel
Is so much more real than anything

Ive a feeling in my soul
And I pray that Im not wrong
That the life I have now
Is only the beginning

It feels like I'm born again
It feel like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time

It feels like Im breathing
(It feels like I'm born again)
It feels like I'm moving
(It feels like I'm living)
For the very first time
(For the very first time)
For the very first time
(For the very first time)

I wasnt looking for something that was more
Than what I had yesterday
Then You came to me and You gave to me
Life and a love that I never known, that I never felt before

It feels like I'm born again
(Feels like I'm born again)
It feel like I'm living
(It feel like I'm living)
For the very first time
(For the very first time)
Im living for the first time
(For the very first time)

It feels like Im breathing
(It feels like I'm born again)
It feels like I'm moving
(It feels like I'm living)
For the very first time
(For the very first time)
Im living for the first time
(For the very first time)
In my life

Songwriters
SHERIDAN, NAOISE DAVID / CARR, DENNY / MCCOY, JASON

Published by
Lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group, BUG MUSIC, EMI Music Publishing, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.

The Grove Cafe

The Grove is one of the places that are more than a place to eat. Most locals here in Ames have eaten there at least once. They are famous for their huge and yummy pancake. As you walk in you realize it’s not your normal café, on the wall it says “just like home you don’t all ways get what you want”. Very funny and for me it’s my kind of place. Its where farmers come and bitch about what farmers bitch about, a place where football fans talk about how they could be doing such a better job, its where you go if you just want to see a familiar or smiling face! If you go to the grove expect hearing the owner, Larry yell out some jab at someone and then that customer zings one right back. Every time I go in there it’s like meeting up with family.  If you come and visit Ames and want to see what Iowa is like you better go and check out the Grove!

Riding the Fence

When I was a youth pastor I would tell my students not to be riding the fence, because that fence is a bardwire fence. I told tell them with all the passion I could muster up that they need to fully follow Jesus with all they got or they may slip and fall.
I was remained of this last night at Bible study while the Holy Spirit was convicting me of me riding the fence. I did not think it was very nice of the Holy Spirit to use my own words from like 8 years ago to convict me, just saying. We are studying first Corinthians in the men's Bible study.
I am at a cross roads with my faith in Jesus. I am growing in Him more than I think I have ever. But in my heart there's things that I am having a hard time giving up. And those things are talked about in Chapters five and six. And if I follow the path that Jesus wants me to go many will think I am crazy.
As I was sitting there hurt and shame flooded over me. We started talking about church discipline and all that fun stuff. I have been kicked out of some church's, and that has left some hurt. But I have done some bad stuff, but I need to remember that is all in the past.
So the question is this, do I want to please people or God. The answer is I want to please God. In earlier sobriety, I know I am still in earlier sobriety, but I did things that I knew were wrong in my heart. I am not doing these things now, but the struggle within is still there.
The positive is that I am aware of these things now and I can let God work these things out. I am not a fan of being single, but instead of me trying to make some thing happen, I am going to try, key word try and wait on God.
I am so glad God forgives me, but true repentance is not doing the sin again. I get to lead the Bible study on chapter six on Monday. An area hat I have confessed and now need to do it Gods way.
Oh if u want to know what I am talking about read the passage.
And at the end of the day God has used all that has happened in my life to help ne be more of a Jesus man.

R.I.P Rudy

Today is a very sad day for dad and myself. Rudy was a great dog. He would of been ten in November. We had to put him down this morning. He had cancer. My kids loved Rudy and instead of asking how grandpa was, they always asked how Rudy was. When ever one else stayed away from dad, Rudy was by his side.
When I was sad here at home alone Rudy would come and sit by me. And when I was really sick in bed he would lay in my room.
We are going to miss you and your laud bark to inform us that some one is here. We love you and are going to miss you Mr. Rudy!

BUT GOD..........

I have been thinking about years that have been important in my life. Some dates and years are good memories and others, not so much. February of 1979 was a pretty good year since that is when I was born. Even though I was a sick little guy and they did not think I would make it through.

The Number 7 is important because that is the age that I put my faith and trust in Jesus Christ! That was a good thing. That would be July of 1986. I remember it like it was yesterday. Just got home from VBS and I was sitting on the counter in the old farm house. I started asking questions about faith and Jesus. So my mom, being a good mom helped me through that process! That was a good very good thing!

September of 1993 was not a good time! I was diagnosed with type one diabetes at the age of 14. I was scared to death. That date has impacted my life forever! I started getting complications at a young age and it is a huge struggle for me! So I will put that in the, that really sucked column!

In 1998 I graduated High School, which was a big deal since I have a learning disability. School was very hard for me, but I made it through and made some great friends. That was a pretty hard year to. I missed most of my senior year because I was sick the whole year. That was a bitter sweet year!

January 2001 I started Bible College. In High School they said I could never do that, so that was great to be able to do that. Bible College was great. It was a struggle being in and out of the hospital and having to drop out of school a couple of times. But I was able to learn the Bible and that was GREAT!

August 11 2001 I married my wife! That was pretty great! We were both pretty young, but we took the plunge. I just saw a picture of us about a month after ward and it said, and they said it would not last. Whoever they are, I guess they were right.

In 2001 I got my first youth Pastor Job and that same year got licensed as a Gospel Minister. And somehow to this day I still have that!

2003 and 2005 we had Joel and Michele. That was great! My kids are the best kids ever.

In 2004 I took another youth pastor job at a place that I loved. It was a pretty good church. In the summer of 2006 I started showing my alcoholism by my actions. And that would lead me to being found out as a drunk.

In the summer of 2005 I started to drink. Bad year! I hid that from every one for about a year and a half. It all came out in November 2006. I was asked to resign as Youth Pastor at the place I was out and it seemed the world was falling apart. 2006 started a process that I would stay sober then relapse over and over again. In 2006 I was diagnosed with a mental illness, major depression, and I struggle with that to this day.

August of 2011 my wife had enough and kicked me out. We eventually got divorced in May of 2013, but all  that happened so I would get sober. September 3 2012 was my first sober day and I have not taken a drink since. I finally gave the twelve step programs a chance and they have changed my life.

July 17, 2013 I moved back to Ames to be closer to my kids. I do miss California, but being by my kids is the right thing to do.

So why the fast survey of my life? Well, just to show you how I am where I am. I in the future will explain more on these things. And there are some that I missed. But through it all God has been with me. He never gave up on me, I gave up on Him. I like to say I was in the pit, BUT GOD! I have been told by pastors that they will not work with me because I was not faithful. I have been told that I am a lost cause. I have been shunned by whole churches and people, BUT GOD never gave up on me. He waited for me to be ready to fully come to Him. To give my will and my life over to Him. Even if people disappoint me or give up on me, God will never ever leave me or forsake me. Jesus came to save people like me! That I am grateful for! Keep reading and I will do my best at writting!

The Peoples Coach

When you are a college football fans all your worried about is winning! I know that is what I want. But when you’re a Cyclone fan you don’t all ways get that. We have some good years and then we have some really bad years. In the winning factor Iowa State is not having its best season. But, the guy who is leading the team is in my books probably the best coach Iowa State could ask for. Why do I say that?

Well first he cares deeply about his players. If you ever have seen in of the clips from him after the game in the locker room you would know that to be true. He is passionate about his players and he shows care and love for them that I have ever seen from a coach.

Second, he really cares about his fans! Every Friday before a home game Coach Paul Rhoads and his players come and visit at the hospital. When I was in the hospital they came into my room to visit me. If anyone knows me you know that made my whole day! It was funny joking around with them. I told coach Rhoads that if they lose to Iowa I know places in Northern California I could bury him and no one would ever find his body. His team thought that was funny, but later I thought maybe that was over board! So I got some pictures with the team and they left the room.

Thirdly I saw coach Rhoads again the other day. I was eating breakfast at the best place in town and here coach Rhoads walks in. He walks by me and I ask him if he remembered from the hospital. I started to laugh and said oh yes I do! I guess when someone tells you that you are going to bury them they don’t forget that. So he sits down and after I had my breakfast I walked over to him and asked him how I could pray for him that day. We talked for a little bit and then both got up to pay our bills. Paul Rhoads paid for my breakfast! In his world I am nothing but probably an annoying fan but he showed love towards me by buying me breakfast!

In the world today sports is a huge thing. And of course you want your team to be the best of all. But I would rather have a coach like Paul Rhoads then someone who is winning all the time but has not love and compassion for his players and the fans. I think in time high school kids will see what kind of man Paul Rhoads is and want to come and play for him.

So even though this year is not the best year in the win column on the field, but Iowa State has a big win with who is running the program.

It works it you work it!

There are two books in my life that have changed me forever, first is the Bible and secound is the Big Book. I have had a hard time here in Iowa since I have been here. Not knowing what I am suppose to do and so focusing on that. Once I gave that to God, which was yesterday things seemed to open up. Because of the 12 steps and God I am able to go to Alaska and spend the holidays with my family out there! I was all so very suprised when my ex wife told me I could see my kids for three days the first weekend in November!

I don't all ways live this program %100, but the key is am I willing to change when God shows me something I need to work on. And for the most part I am. Except for the times I am not :-)

I still some times have a mouth like a sailor and God knows I still have my charter defects, but I am going to keep doing the AA way of life!

Quotes About Carpe Diem

I was not aware of it, but lately I have been full of self pitty and fear! I came to that realization last night at an AA meeting or it was something that my sponsor said. Well any way the good thing is that I realized it. And my word for the day today is Carpe Diem which means to seize the day. Every day I have the opportunity to have a good day or a bad one, and that's up to me. Its my attitude that matters, not what others do.I seem to all ways focus on the negative, but my life today is better than it has ever been. I need to be happy where God has me today and be the best Peaches that I can be.

So I thought it would be fun to put some quotes from people about this idea of Carpe Diem

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”
― Mother Teresa

 The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt

 “I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx 

 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:34”
― Jesus, Holy Bible: King James Version

  “The future starts today, not tomorrow.”
― John Paul II

 Don't count the days, make the days count.”
― Muhammad Ali

 “Live a good life. In the end it is not the years in a life, but the life in the years.”
― Abraham Lincoln

 “When you kill time, remember that it has no resurrection.”
― A.W. Tozer

Acceptance

Acceptance is one of the hardest things for me to do. Being sober does not mean that every one and every thing does what I want. I am in a period in my life that I really don't like, but I still have to accept the things I can not change. Some where in the last couple of weeks I have forgotten that this thing is one day at a time. And to keep it simple stupid! I have an ego that wants every one to like me and be the super hero that saves the day. Today I need to focus on me and take it easy! 13 months of being sober is bit going to fix all the wrongs I did for many years!
Back ti the basics I go. I just won't fucking drink today!

Waiting

Sometimes all we can do is wait for the Lord. That goes against my idea that I all ways need to do something. Patience has never been a strong point. But sometimes I can do every thing I am supposed to do and then I need to just wait in on the Lord
I just finished finished reading Genesis and you see in that book that some of them had to wait and wait.

Genesis

Do you ever think you have to be perfect to be used by God? If so I encourage you to read the book of Genesis.
This is what I observed from this book. We know Adam and Eve screwed up, they disobeyed God. Noah saved those who were in the ark and then he got drunk. But God still uses them.
Have u ever struggled with the God thing and in your mind wrestled with him, you are not alone.
In Genesis 32 Jacob literally wrestled with God. God would rather Havana be honest with Him than try to be fake. Genesis shows us from the beginning people failed but He still loved them and used them.
In all my struggles in life whether it be my health, my depression or my alcoholism God still wants to use me. God has not called the perfect but the willing. The church today would have u think u have to be perfect, if that was the case not many in Genesis would of been used by God.
Today I am going to keep walking, what about you?

The kids and I

Pastor to the Pastor less

What does that mean? Good question but for the past few months during my time of prayer I feel the Holy Spirit telling me that. No I am not going to start a church. I in my onion am no pastor in the sense we have today. It is more being there to those who are broken hearted and don’t feel like they can be at a church yet. To minister to those who seem to be the outcast of society and the “Christian” society. Being a pastor is really not about the title, its about action. How can I reach out to those who need Jesus as much as I do even if they are doing things that I don’t all ways agree with?

So, the last few weeks I have been just reaching out to people in Love. Listening to those who hurt. And being the best Jesus man that I can be. I will probably never fit the mold we have today what a pastor looks like. But I belive I have those spiritual gifts and I have had a calling for a long time. But for me being a pastor does not fit the pretty little box we have at church. It is to be there for the outcast, well the kind of people Jesus ministered to.

If that makes any sense than that is good. I am still trying to figure it out myself!

Eore, Chicken Little and Tigger

Eore, Chicken little and Tigger

I have noticed that it seems that I have three cartoon charters living inside me and guide my emotions. The first one is Eore, who all ways sees the negative in life. Even if life is great he sees the negative. For Example: This weekend I got to see my kids. It was a GREAT time. We went bowling on Friday and all so went and saw a movie. Then on Saturday we went to a parade and then went and watched the UW Platteville game. It was a great time with the kids. When I was driving home I looked at the negative. Oh I just get to see them for a day and a half. My ex-wife gave me a box of my things and of course I saw the negative in that. But all in all it was a great weekend.

Chicken little sees the world as it is falling apart. I again thought the world was falling apart on my way home as I was beating myself up for the past. Knowing that it is me that has caused the things to be the way they are.

Then there’s tigger. When I finally get out of the first two attitudes I bounce around knowing that life is not that bad. No care in the world.

This is one thing I am working on. Being balanced with my emotions. I am better than I was, but I could be doing a lot better. It is encouraging when I read the Bible and I see that those who God used had there problems to. In my reading this morning I read about the great flood. And after the flood Noah got drunk! But God still used him even though he slipped up.

It seems that God wants to use us if we are willing. He has not called the sinless, or He would use angels. He has called me to do the best I can. And to do the best I can do is to continue to seek Him. I know that He can use my mistakes/sins for His glory.

KISS

Keep It Simple Stupid! I tell myself that all most every day! It’s so easy for me to complicate life and make things harder than they should be. For many years I had mad my faith in Jesus a very complicated thing. I tried to follow the rules and the don’ts as best as I could. And I failed. I had complicated the idea of Jesus so much that it was I who was trying to live the Christian life and not allowing the spirit of God to work in me.

When I finally got to AA and was serious about the program I finally understood what it meant to be a Jesus follower. While in the rooms of AA in Eurkea I was reminded of the term I use to use, Keep It Simple Stupid. I had put God in a box that He should have never been in. When I became willing to surrender to Him, He drew near to me. God never forsaken me, I thought that I knew all the theology on God and I had this thing covered. Boy was I wrong.

Today I do two things, first I am working the program of AA and second I am working the program of Jesus. The program of Jesus for me today is to words, Love and Grace! How can I show others love and grace? And how do I accept His free love and Grace every day. Does this seem to simple? Good!

This weekend I am headed to see me kids. It’s the same town that I had to stop being a youth pastor at because of my Alcoholism. When I go there I have lots of fear and of course regret. But I can go there this weekend knowing that Christ has forgiven me through His grace. My Keep Simple Stupid program will remind me not to complicate or over future trip what could and could not happen.

As a normal recovering Alcoholic I want everything to be put back in order to day. But I know that it is one day at a time. And sometimes one minute at a time. God knows my heart. And as my sponser tells me all the time it is not my job to care what other people think of me. So today and this weekend I am going to try and keep it simple stupid!

Pastor Appreaction month

October is Pastor Appreaction month. We should not just do this once a year, but it's a good reminder that we need to encourage them. They have a hard job. We putmany expectations on them that should not all ways be there. We expect them to be perfect. They are human like the rest of us. They are called the be Shepards and to equip the saints to be more like Jesus. Maybe the best thing we can do this month is thank them and to just give them a break. Not expecting them to be perfect.
I am thankful to all the pastors I have had in my life and the pastors who have hung in there with me at my worst. You know who u are :-)

change

Its that time of year for change. Fall is upon us and the leaves are changing and the farmers are back in there feilds. I love this time of year. It reminds me that I to can change. Today I can do things in my life to become more like Christ. I not only can change but those around me can to. I need to be willing to give others a secound or maybe even a tenth chance. Jesus sure said we need to forgive and forgive!

It's been a long time!

Well, It's been a while since I have written any thing on here. My last post was a long time ago and I have gone through a lot since I posted last. Last time I wrote I was in California. I now find myself in Ames, Iowa a divorced man that lives three hours from his kids. But life is better today then it has ever been. Since 2005 I have been struggling with Alcoholism being sober for awhile and then not being sober. I did that for years in and out of treatment programs and praying so hard to Jesus that He would just take the problem away. After loosing every thing in life I finally hit my bottom on September 3rd 2012, that is when I had my first sober day. And I have been sober ever since. God led me to the rooms of AA and that is where I truly found God. I have been a believer in Jesus Christ since I have been 7. But I had all ways put him in a box. I tired to all ways live up to the rules of man and I become the person that I was not. When I got to AA I was reminded of the great Grace of Jesus Christ. Or the Power Greater than myself who I choose to call Jesus Christ. God truley has done for me what I could not do for myself. That is just a fast little update for you all.