The Holy Spirit

It's the week of Christmas. I am excited I get to spend Christmas Eve with my kids! The last two weeks have been good and bad. I am slowly cleaning up some messes I have caused from the last month and a half or so. I have learned that even when we don't drink we can sure cause messes in our lives and others. It is hard time for me to obey what God wants. As a Christian I have the Holy Spirit who convicts me and sometimes I ignore the Holy Spirit. I might be able to do that for awhile, but the conviction gets so strong I either listen or try to ignore more which does not work for me. I get into trouble when I start playing God.

It's been a rough one......

It's been awhile since I have written in here. Honestly I have not known what to write as I have really been struggling. The biggest away of struggle has been my spiritual life. I was not obeying God in an area and so instead of listing to Him I just was trying to step away from Him. Made a horrible move and was mad at the church, because I knew they where going to call me on my sin and I withdrew from the Church. Not some of my best moments as a Christian. Obeying God has not been a strong point for me in my life. Last Tuesday was a spiritual awaking if you will, had my eyes open to what I was doing and now I am doing the best I can to clean up that wreckage. Hurt people in the process which was not what I attended. I seem to mess things up pretty good. But, I have confessed my sin to the Lord and others. Like He tells us to do in his word. It is amazing to me all the wreckage I have caused in the pass. Like my Pastor growing up use to say, Sin will take you farther than you want to go keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay. So, very true!

Then on top of that I have been struggling with some deep depression. I thought that after I did what I needed to do and get right with God that my depression would ease up. But they tell me I have bi-polar. So they are trying some new med and it's been hard being on it. I am just feeling like crap all the time. Trying to just pull through.

I am going to keep walking....

Today I am o.k.....

Starting last Wednesday I seem to have turned a corner on my health. My depression seems to be at bay right now. Which is great. I am physically feeling a lit better. The iron infusions seem to be working and the B12 shots are working. I started physical therapy on Monday which is good and hard. This coming Tuesday I am getting to have a new and better tube placed in my stomach. I am feeling better right now then I have in months!
I have realized that I need to really focus on my recovery. It is easy as the big book says to rest on my laurels. I know when I let up on my recovery I am in trouble. If I was to get drunk I am no good to anyone.
Some might say I have become liberal or even that I abounded my faith which is not true. My faith is more than church attendance or what I do or don't do. I realize that I don't fit in the tradition fundamental box any more. I know some won't understand and that is o.k. I know that God still loves me.
There is more growing to come in my life. Today I am sober and today I realize that me, you and everyone else has value.

On the radio with Muk

I will be on http://mukradio.com on Friday night at 8pm! A few ways to tune in, hope you can check it out.

Religious Abuse......

I am not trying to offend anyone here. Just some truth as I see it. If you don't agree that's o.k.

Christianity gets some bad press. And the sad part it's us Christians that give us a bad name. We fight among each other and we judge those that are outside of the Church. It's been said that the Church kills there own woumbed. That is a pretty sad thing to say about a religion that follows the teaching of a guy who did the complete opposite. When I was in college I had a boss at the college that always said, "the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing!" When I talk to friends of mine who are not Christians one of there main complaints is how mean and narrow minded we are. I listen to them and I hear the pain in there voice as they talk about the religious abuse that they have faced. Yes religious abuse. We might not be physically abusive as a group, but our words do cut deep into peoples lives. I would say that most Christians don't attend to harm someone, because they think they must give out the message they believe in no matter at what cost. I have seen other church's picket other church's. I was a part of a church that belived the same thing another church did, but our church did not want to picket or come out looking hateful. So since our pastor sent a letter to this church expressing that we need to love and asked them not to come up to our area and cause a scene of hate. So this other church picted us and they in my opinion were not acting Christ like.

In my life I have been on both sides. Before I started drinking I thought that I new everything when it came to God. You could say being a Pharisee or a total hypocrite! Once I started with my struggle with Alcoholism I pretty fast saw the other side. The total misunderstanding of what I was going through. And again, the pastors and church's thought they were doing the right thing. Some or many Christians in America feel that we need to change the world through politics. You can not legislate morality. But, it seems some try to do that and it does not all ways work.

So, we in my opinion have a problem. So what do we do. First we don't change the message we change the method. Christians can still stand on the truth of the word of God. But, I think we need to be reminded of a few things. Paul and James tells us not to judge the world. In the bible world a lot of times means non-Christians. We are not to judge them we are to love them. What did Jesus do? He loved those who did not know Him. He fed the poor, healed the sick and loved the sinner, the down and out. Who did Jesus condemn? Those who thought they were better than every body else. So we need to love and show grace to those outside of the church, not beat them up. We all so need to love people inside the church. It is a silly thought that as a Christian I am suppose to be perfect. Many times real life is messy. I, we all of us need to show more Grace.

 

Secound, we need to have a real understanding of church disapline. A great example of this is found in Paul's writtings in 1 and 2 Corinthians. In first Conithians he tells the church to deal with the sin that is among them. Cast him out. But then we see in 2 Corinthians that Paul says basically, O,k now is the time to restore this guy. He has repnted from his sin. The whole point of church displine is restoration of the christian that is in church disipline. Restroaction back to the church. I have been told it's only restoration back to Christ. But scriputre shows diffrent.

 

 Is it better to be right or is it better to love? Does it really matter if I read the King James version of the bible? If I disagree with you can't we still be friends? Some where Christians got this idea that if people disagree with us we can not be there friends. That sounds kind of dumb, but some believe so strongly on an issue that you must be wrong if you don't agree and then some wont even be your friend any more.

 

As Christians we are given GRACE, FREE grace at that. So let's show grace to others. We don't deserve the GRACE of God, but we sometimes act like we are god by not showing others grace. Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 13 that the greatest thing is Love. Some of my good friends despise Christianity, but I still love them and still want to be there friends.

 

It's time that we stop playing church.

It's time to care about the poor and feed the poor.

It's time to love the suffering and love the sinner.

It's time to clothe the needy.

It's time to stop saying we act like Jesus and start acting like Jesus.

 

A little humor

Peaches thoguht of the day 11-07-14: http://youtu.be/ESOsDPHvJUY

Crazy crazy day!

It seemed that I was feeling better. Wednesday and Thursday I thought I might be doing a lot better. Then  my health turned yesterday morning. Got supper light headed and ended up falling. I called my dad and he called 911 for me. They came very fast and were very helpful and understanding. Then when I got to the ER things went very bad. No answers and very bad care. When I left with no answers I called my regular doc in Boone and she wanted me to go to the Boone ER. I felt really dumb going to another ER. But it was worth it. They listened to me and did a few things that helped and hooked me up to a 48 hour heart monitor to see what is going on. Sometimes I feel like a hyper-conderact   with everything going on. And the hospital I went to first did not help with that thought. I totally acted like a fool at the ER going off on my nurse during discourage. I admit that. I really struggle with this hospital. I am finally speaking up for myself and have sent a compliant to the hospital.

 

Dealing with doctors and health care in general is very frustrating for me. It get's to the point some times that I feel like no one cares. And then I start thinking maybe all this stuff is in my head.

A rough weekend....

It was a rough weekend for me. Not sure what was up, but I just was not feeling well. We were suppose to go to a type one diabetic event and volunteer at it, but I was feeling pretty bad on Saturday. I get these tremors that I guess is an inherited thing and I was shaking pretty bad on Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

 

On Thursday I had an appointment with my blood doctor and my white blood cell count has been low for a few months. He thinks I have iron anemia and so I am getting IV iron infusions everyday this week. My B12 is all so low so I am getting B12 shots all week. The doc thinks that my weakness and light headiness is caused by my low iron and B12. So I am praying these work!

 

It is easy to be discouraged. It just seems everything is happening all at once. Really starting to miss my kids! Have not seen them since the end of August. Hoping this stuff will help me start feeling up to going and seeing them. Still trying to cling to the Lord in all of this. Still wonder at times what good I am to anyone these days. But as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus I will have hope!

And life goes on!

There is so much going on in the world these days. If you let yourself you can get caught up in the hype. If you watch the news they act like we are going to die. The sky is falling! God tells us not to fear. But to trust in Him. Overwhelming fear of everything is not from God. Fear is one of those things that keeps us from taking big steps in life. Fear is a big hope killer.

 

Fear is a big struggle for me. With all my health stuff I fear that I will never get bettter. And my biggest fear is not making an impact in the world. I have been trying to raise money for diabetes through a page I made on JDRF.org. It is not going well since I have raised no money. So of course I take that personally. The fear of what good am I to anyone is a big one for me right now. I want to be used by God. But how as sick as I am can I do that.

 

But God's ways are not my way! I have my ideas and plans. But God has a different plan for me. What is it? I don't know. It's sure not what I thought it would be. I have said this before, but I feel like I am in the dessert. Jesus spent time there and Paul did all so. I want everything to happen now.

 

Doing this time, I have learned a lot about myself. Some things good and something's I need to work on. I hope I am coming more compensate to those that are hurting and be less judgmental of those I don't understand. I have all ways liked to be the center of attention. Making people life being the funny guy in the group. I think back to the days that I was preaching and teaching and I miss those days. But that is not where I am  at today. I blew the preaching and teaching by my deciding to drink and throw my family away and threw my ability of being a leader away. Those things might happen again, but I need to find my hope not in those things but in God. Some things I threw away by choice and then there are things now that I can not do because of my health!

 

I need to be willing to find new ways to be useful. Right now I feel like I am not useful to anyone. But that is just feelings. The reason why I am so open on this blogg is so maybe others are struggling with these things and it can help them and at least show them they are not alone.

 

That's why I all ways say I try to suffer well. Some days I suffer well and other days not so much! I keep on getting told that I am strong or tough while going through this sickness I am in. I don't know about that. Some days I just want to give up. But that is not an option. Today I am going to choose to week walking.....

Just a check in...

It is sometimes hard to write on this blogg. Not always in the best mood or just don't know what to say. I have been home now for two weeks from the hospital. It's been an up and down two weeks. My tube placement is still causing me pain. I have been trying to get out a little bit everyday. The plus is that the weather has been great! Will write in the blogg more later.

 

Keep walking....

My Hope

What keeps us going? It is Hope. Any time someone takes there life they have lost hope. When people throw themselves in the bottle they might have lost hope. When we give up on a marriage, it is the lost of hope. When we give up on ourselves it is the lost of hope. Hope keeps us going. A Hope for a better tomorrow. Some times it is easy to loose hope. I can now more understand those who are shut in and the struggles they must have. If you live with any kind of chronic illness you probably have had times where you have lost hope.

 

My Hope is in the Lord. Even though some days my faith is shaken. If I take my eyes off of Jesus it is so easy to start loosing hope. The day in and day out of my illness can get to me. I have asked questions the last few days like, where are you God? And why me? I know I am in trouble when I start asking those two questions. I need to turn around the why me to why not me? Would I wish this on some one else. Well.... no. Even those who I don' like very much, I would not wish this on any one. So today I am going to try and not ask that question. And where is God, He is right here with me. I don't know how people go through stuff like this without God.

 
Just took a little walk today. It is a really nice day. As I was walking this song kept coming in my head. " I need thee every hour...." I do need God every hour and every minute. When no one is around I need to encourage myself with things like this. Encourage myself through reading His Word. My strength is low. It is a big deal for me to just walk these days. But as I walk, sit, stand, sleep, cry or whatever I need Him and He hears my cry. Some days I feel forgotten by everyone I know, but God will never leave me nor will He forsake me. Pressing on and pressing forward not alone, but with God.

Let's Wear RED

Never give up, never give in, clinging to HIM

 

Last night I was a mess. The last few days I have been struggling with deep depression. I have been gong to bed crying and waking up crying. Yesterday was a tough day since I found out my stomach is in a bad place and I probably will be on the feeding tube for awhile this time. It is easy for me to lose hope on days like yesterday. To loose perspective on life. Feelings of giving up, and then anger have been going on for a few days. Questions of what good am I  any more to any one and then feelings of regret of how I wasted days of health. The goal of moving back here seems to be gone. As I am not well enough to go see my kids. As I think of the future it is easy to not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am not drinking now and have not been for awhile. Thoughts of maybe this is all from the sins of my past. I am glad that I have a sponsor that told me something very important. Feelings are just feelings. I don't have to react to them. Thoughts of just ending my life have been in my head. Thinking that everyone would be better off if I was just dead. And wanting the pain and the suffering to just go away. But, these are just feelings. These are just thoughts and I do not have to act upon them. I get Bible verses on my phone and this is the one I got this morning.

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26

 A verse that I needed! A word from the Lord that I needed. A verse that is exactly where I am at today. My flesh and my heart feel like they are failing. But what do I need to do, cling more to God. Instead of being angry at Him and feeling that He is no where to be found I need to just keep holding on. Instead of thinking He does not care anymore understand that He does. I prayed last night that He would do something. And so in my view He did. He gave me this verse. He also gave me another verse from Romans 12. As your read the verses below, what stuck out to me was verses 11 and 12. Where has my spiritual zeal gone? It is easy to have it when I am well, but I need it every hour of the day. And then verse 13 tells me to keep on keeping on in faith. I don't know what the future holds. And my dreams of being this famous speaker will probably never happen. But what I can do is live for today. Live for Christ today! Devote myself 100% to Him.

 ⁹ Love must be sincere.Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope. patient in affliction faithful in prayer.¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need Practice hospitality.

A Day of Doc Appointments....

Trying to stay positive. That seems to be every bodies answer to my struggles the last few days. My depression has been hitting me pretty hard all weekend. I try daily to suffer well and to stay positive. I have been feeling like God's wiping boy these days. My health just seems to not give up and feeling better is a day to day thing. One day I am feeling o.k. and the next I am not. Being sick and going in and out of the hospital is not new to me, it's been my life pretty much my whole life. So what happens if "this to shall pass" never passes. My faith has been shaken this time around. The question I struggle with is how can I do any good being as sick as I am. It seems that I can't catch a break. A never ending and on going sickness that seems that will not get any better.

 

Had two  Doctor appointments today. Saw my stomach doc and he said in about three weeks they are going to put a better tube in my stomach. Not sure what's wrong with the one I have, but I guess it's better. My blood sugar is finally doing a little better. Having high blood sugars cause my emotions to go crazy. God allows what He allows and some days that just drives me crazy. I wish I would know the reason for all this.

 

I am going to try and keep walking....

 

Peaches for a cure

tools of the trade

Tool of the trade these days. The above picture I have my trustee insulin pump and behind me is my friend Beaker :-) Then I am using a cane now just because of my weakness and I am still unsteady on my feet. And of course my new feeding tube.

Below is my blood sugar meteor and all the pills I take. I could star my on pharmacy these days.

 When I am weak HE is strong! Good thing this is true!

Having a rough go at it!

Up early this morning. Not really by choice. I have to sleep in the lazy boy in our living room. While the feedings are going I can't sleep laying down. So I get woken up when dad gets ready for work. Which is not a bad thing I get to talk to him before he goes to work. One thing I have learned through all of this is don't take your family for granted, you never know when the last time it is you will see them.

 

Yesterday was an up and down day. The last few nights my blood sugars have been high which mess's with my emotions. I try my hardest to suffer well, but some days I don't that is for sure. Everything was just getting to me. Sometimes I wish I had cancer because at least there would be an end game. You either get cancer free or you die. Not saying I want to die, it's just with this chronic disease I struggle with seems to never stop. It never gives in and never gives up. I wander what is going to happen next. I have a feeding tube which I have had one before. But what is next for me. Having type one diabetes as an adult is so hard. It was hard as a kid but It has gotten harder.

 

So I started the day yesterday feeling pretty hopeless and just plain wanting to give up. I did what I have been thought and started calling people. My Pastor stopped by and that was good and then I went to an aa meeting. By the end of the day my outlook on life was better.

 

I miss doing things I use to. I wish I could go to the Iowa State game today. But I don't think I could make it through it. And I do wish people would make a fuss over me, I know I still have some pride issues. And I really miss seeing my kids. The reason I moved back here and I don't get to see them much.

 

Any hoot, I am sure struggling right now. I am going to try to keep walking with Him.

Four belly buttons

On September 21 a Sunday I went into the hospital again and did not get out until yesterday October 7. Reason I went in was again for my diabetic Gastroparesis. I went to the Ames hospital this time. I ended up getting a feeding tube put in my belly. Now I will have four belly buttons :-) I guess God wanted to see if I suffered well. And of course I did not do the best. I had good days and some pretty bad days. My faith again has been stretched and tested. There were days of complete despair and wondering if God has just given up on me. But I made it through it and got home yesterday. When in the hospital it is easy to just update on facebook then to try and write a blog on my phone.

 

My aunt just died from type one diabetes. And that is what I suffer from and then add on the complications. I was a part of a facebook group that was suppose to be a support page for those who struggle with diabetes. Right before going into the hospital some one posted a comment that caused many reactions. The person said diabetes is easy and basically just get over it and move on. I am paraphrasing what this person said. Diabetes is not easy for me. I am glad that this person has had an easy time at it. But there are those like me that try there hardest and still run into problems.

 

It seems I am doing every thing I can yet I still am having so many problems. Life sometimes is just a struggle. Nothing seems to come easy for me. There are Christians that make Christianity look easy. But not me. I have to bumble and struggle. A lot of bad choices in my past.

 

I am not a Christian because I think I am better than everyone else, though I did think that way years ago. I follow Christ because I know that I am not good enough and I need Jesus. Years ago my pride got in the way of a lot of things. Then I was broken to the point that I now know Gary can't do it, but Christ can. I am a Christian because I need a savior and a helper in time of distress. Without Christ I am nothing. I use to have the attitude it's my way or the high way. Not like that anymore either. It's Christ way.

 

I do keep on asking God what is my purpose. Why do I suffer so much and why did He keep me alive while doing some pretty sinful things. More will be revilved they tell me and this to shall pass. I have to keep my hope on Christ and keep looking forward. It's to easy to feel sorry for myself and just focus on me.

 

Diabetes and the Christian life is not all ways easy. And if you meet someone that claims one of them are, tell them to write a book on how they do it. They would be rich!

 

I am divorced. And there are many opinion on remarriage and I have heard them all. A few months ago I reconnected with a friend that I graduated from High School with. One of my problems I am a people pleaser and want to please everyone. But it is amazing that this amazing woman with so much purpose and talent in her life has poured out so much for me that last few weeks. She has shown Christ love to me over and over again. I have broken up with her a few times not truly knowing what the right thing is to do. But we keep on getting back together and the more I get to know her the more I see that she has Christ in her. Instead of looking back it's time to look forward. Instead of trying to please everyone, I need to please Christ. I don't know what she sees in me, but she is truly pretty cool and I feel pretty blessed that she has stuck around.

 

Well, that's all today. I am going to keep walking.....

Here we go again

In the hospital again. In Ames this time. Getting great care so far. Stomach just not wanting to work. Been in here since Sunday. If my stomach does not start working they might have to put a feeding tube back in. It's sure a struggle!

Frustrated

I am growing weary of my continued sickness. My heart feels like I have been abandoned by God and His people. Just read the first two chapters of Job and read 2 Corinthians 12 about Paul's thorn in the flesh. I realize that today I am not suffering well and my faith is weak. I see no light at the end if the tunnel. My attitude has and is poor. I see my stomach doctor tomorrow and feel like there is no point. I don't feel like he listens to me.
But today right now my prayer is that God will help me change my attitude. That today I will be more like Job and Paul. I need to cling to Him.
I see two doctors this week my stomach doctor and the blood/cancer doctor. Please pray that my stomach doc listens and that with the other doc that I will get some clear answers.
I am going to keep walking today.

Health Update September 17

Went and saw my regular doctor today. My stomach is still not working very well. My stomach issue is called Gastroparesis, which is caused by the diabetes. It's where the stomachs muscles don't contract like they should and is slow at empting. When the stomach is not doing good I get where I am stopped up and sometimes start throwing up. That's when I have to go to the hospital. So I am getting sent to a stomach doc. Not sure what he can do, but we will see.

I all so have leukepenia which is low white blood cell count. So for that I see a blood/cancer doctor. I saw him last week in the hospital and he took a bunch of test. I see him for the results next Wednesday. There is a bunch of stuff it could be. I have been having lot's of weakness and getting all kinds of infections. Don't feel like doing much.

Got a lot going on. This has been a real rough last couple of weeks. Just wanted to give everyone an update. In all this it has been hard but I know God is in Control!

 
I am going to keep walking!

Dealing with Suffering Part 2

When you are sick or suffering what is the hardest part for you?

For me it's loneliness . I am a people person and like to be around people all the time. But when I am sick I don't get out much and I don't have many vistors. Each person is diffrent in that. Some people don't want to see anyone and others like to have people come and visit them. So if your a well person, call your friend who is struggling and see if they want visitors. Another thing I struggle with is wondering if this sickness is ever going to end. I have been sick now for pretty much two months. It is hard to all ways have a good attitude. Sometimes I throw my fist up to heaven and yell at God. That does not all ways work out well for me, but I think God understands.

 So, we all struggle when we are sick or we are suffering. We can rest in that fact that God is in control. We, you and me are going to be loneliness, get depressed, feel no one care, and the list could go on. But, we need to hold on to the fact that God is God and He is allowing this to happen for a reason. Sometimes you find out the reason for fast, but sometimes you find out years later, and sometimes we might not know until we get to heaven.

 Look at Job in the Bible. He was a pretty stand up guy! The Bible gives us a glimpse of how things work in heaven. Satan came to God, and God brought up Job. Satan had to ask permission to do anything to Job. WOW! So God let Satan do his thing, yet Job stayed faithful to the Lord. Job lost everything. If you have not read the book of Job, it's a long book but good! Job had some friends. If you ever have suffered for a long period of time you probably had friends like these. People saying things like, your sick because you have sin in your life. Yes God sometimes gets our attention that way. But most of the time we are suffering or sick because we just are. Like I said in my last post, it might be to show others that even in low times a person can still hold on to Jesus. Over the years I have heard it all. I have been told I don't have enough faith. With all the diabetic experts out there I have been told I eat bad, though how do they really know. 

So, have peace that God knows what is going on and He is in control. Seek Him when you are sick and suffering. Don't listen to lies that others tell you. They might be trying to help, but it sure can be discouraging!

 Was going to try and finish this little series I got going today, but not feeling to good. So there will be a part three. Keep walking.....

Another Hospital Visit!

I had anohter hospital visit this week. Started throwing up again so I was in the hospital for a few days. They let me out yesterday. Sent me home with meds and got some appoinments next week. While I was in there I saw the cancer/blood doctor, they are concerned about my white blood cell count. He did a bunch of blood test and won't know anything until they get the results.

In my twenties I bounced back from being in the hospital pretty fast. But these days it takes a lot longer. It is hard waiting for results on blood test. They are not sure what is going on with my white blood cell count, but they think something is going on. Any thing from anemia, to Lupus or some kind of cancer. I am hoping the results will come in pretty soon. I don't think it's cancer, but God has given me peace about it all. And what happens, happens!

This hospital visit was pretty good. Got my stomach going. I like the Boone Hospital. I get good care there. I am going to much since all the staff are getting to know me pretty well. I really tried to suffer well and still trying as I am home to suffer well with a good attitude. Like I said in my last post I don't all ways do the best sometimes at suffering well.

Today I am working on accepting things in my life. Big thing is my health. Another thing is my Aunt Pat passed away this week. So my dad is in Ohio so I will be alone off and on this weekend. Which when I feel this sick I don't like. It's nice having someone here checking on me. Aunt Pat had type one diabetes, so had many health struggles but she was a fighter.

The big book says, we are working for "spiritual progress not spiritual perfection. I really like that. I think sometimes I think I have to be this perfect person. But the spiritual life is a daily thing, deciding to walk in faith every day!

 

Today I am going to hold on to Jesus!

Dealing with Suffering part 1

I was given a book recently called "Living Successfully with Chronic Illness". My first reaction to the book is laughter. Now I have not started reading the book yet and I am sure it will be helpful. But if you struggle with a chronic illness you will understand my response. People struggle with many things in life. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Type one diabetes. Changed my life forever. The last year and really the last couple of months have been rough. Got some other health issues not related to the diabetes that they are trying to figure out. But the title of the book got me thinking, how should I as a Christian handle Chronic Illness or just plain suffering. Pain, suffering, illness, death, and a lot more is going to happen in our lives. I will be hontest, I have not all ways handled my bad health the best. It is so easy to go into self pity. I had a thought the other day. And I think it was from God. First, I believe that some people are just called to suffer. As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10 "that is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in harships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong". Christ is Paul's

Christ's is Paul's every thing. The one he clings to. And we should all so do that.

Here is point number 2, and this is where I am at. We suffer so we can encourge others. Maybe I am called in this life to suffer to bring Him glory. Maybe not, but we should all encourage each other. Epically if we can understand what that person has gone through.

2 Corinthians 1 New International Version (NIV)

Praise to the God of All Comfort

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,^(H) the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us^(I) in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ,^(J) so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation;^(K) if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings,^(L) so also you share in our comfort.

⁸ We do not want you to be uninformed,^(M) brothers and sisters,^[a] about the troubles we experienced^(N) in the province of Asia.^(O) We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God,^(P) who raises the dead.^{(Q) 10} He has delivered us from such a deadly peril,^(R) and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope^(S) that he will continue to deliver us, ¹¹ as you help us by your prayers.^(T) Then many will give thanks^(U) on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

This is part one, so stay tuned to the next post. Brain not working very well these days, well it never worked well any way.
Keep walking...

Never give up!

 

 

Do you ever feel like giving up? I know there are times that I do. Being a type one diabetic it's seems like I am all ways I a battle! Then it seems that every time I go to the doctor something else is wrong. The last two days God has given me a lot of peace with some health issue stuff going on. Hebrews 12 tells us to keep our eyes on Jesus the Author and finisher of our faith!

 

I love the first picture where the frog is not giving up. Life feels that way sometimes. I am about to be swolled up. And the mouse with the cheese reminds me of how I do sometimes. I know there might be pain, but I got to keep going on towards the goal. And what's the goal for me? It is to hold on to Jesus no matter what happens in life!

Laugh a little!

 

I think to many of us take ourselves to seriously. If you have been alive long you know that God has a sense of humor. We get so caught up with life that we forget to enjoy it. In some church's I think it's sin to laugh! I sure get in my moods where I think the sky is falling, but even if it is I know God is in control. So let's all do ourselves a favor today and laugh a little! 

Bad Hair day, God looks at the heart

 

 

 

Ever have a bad hair day? And if you do, you probably try and fix whatever you can before you go out of the house. We are so concerned with our look good! With how we look to others. Our clothes, cars, houses and you could add to the list. When we go to church we tend to want to look our best. Maybe you make sure you wear the nicest suit you can or the prettiest dress so you can impress someone. We tend to judge people by there outer appearance. Many of us are so good on putting on our "look good" on the outside, but we might be hearting in the inside. We might look like the "perfect Christian" to everyone on the outside by doing the right things in front of people and dressing nice. There is an old saying, " I don't drink, chew, or go out with girls who do".

 

1 Samuel 16  ⁷ But the Lord said to Samuel, ^(K)“Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, ^(L)but the Lord looks on the heart.”

  

We see here that God looks at our heart! The church today has a problem with being real with each other. Someone might find out that, wait for it, or sinners! We snub our noses at certain people and sins. We rush to our car so we don't have to give our change to a homeless person. We judge the single woman who just found out that she is pregnant. As we judge others by the outward appearance we might be struggling with pride, bitterness, anger, over eating, lust and again the list could go on.

A lot of times we act more like the Pharisees than we would like to admit. Look at the verses below:

 

Matthew 23:25-28English Standard Version (ESV)

^25 (A)“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For ^(B)you clean the outside of ^(C)the cup and the plate, but inside they are full of ^(D)greed and self-indulgence. ²⁶ You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of ^(E)the cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean.
^27 (F)“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like ^(G)whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people's bones and ^(H)all uncleanness. ²⁸ So you also ^(I)outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of ^(J)hypocrisy and lawlessness.

 

As we look at the above passage could Jesus say this about you? You might do all the religious activities, but are we walking as Jesus did? I struggle with pride. I never thought I did, but the more I grow in Christ the more I see it. I tend to think I am better than others. That's kind of funny since I am nothing without Christ. On my own I made a mess with my life.

 

It's time! Time for what you ask? It's time for us to focus more on our hearts and minds and less on the outside. I could go and by my almost two year old nephew a brand new suit. Made him look like a million bucks. He would start the day out looking pretty good. What would he look like at the end of the day? He would still look like a two year old. With food on his clothes and that new suit coat might even be ripped or muddy. So when you dress up and look at nice what do you look like at the end of the day. The answer is you. You can try to put on the best looking mask but you come home with your feelings, your thoughts, and your sins.

 

I think we would be different people if we were honest to our Christians brothers and sisters! I think the world would see a difference if we stopped acting like Christians and being like Christ!

 

Keep walking....

 

 

Struggle with addiction

Just because someone struggles with an addiction does not make them unsaved! Sometimes we tend to think if someone struggles with a "big sin" they must not be saved! So when someone dies that is in there addiction some may think that they are not in heaven.

If what Paul wrights in Ephesians is true, that it is by Grace you have been saved! Not by anything we have done. Then a person who struggles with an addiction can be saved. If it is not true, then none of us are saved, to God sin is sin.

It seems so easy to judge others and make judgments about there walk with God. I have been guilty of this many times in my life. The truth is that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. And when we make judgments about others faith, are we playing God?

Reminds me of a story that Jesus told. About the Pharisee and tax collector. The Pharisee thanked God that he was not like that evil tax collector and was counting on his salvation trough his works. Then the tax collector pleaded with God and knew that he was a sinner.

Which one are we today. I would rather be the tax collector, but sometimes I am like the Pharisee looking down on others thinking that there is no way that they know Jesus! Yes we are to be different has Christians, but I believe that once you give your life to Christ you are His. That is not a license to sin, but if we are honest no of us live up to what Christ calls us to be.

Peter is another person that failed but was forgiven by Christ Himself. Peter denied Christ three times! But Jesus resorted him and He was a big part of the first church.

I struggled with addiction for years, but I was still saved! I was not walking with Him as I should of, but I was still His. Addiction is a difficult thing to deal with while being a Christian. Addiction is one of those areas that people really don't understand so therefore it is judged as a moral failure. Is it a moral failure? I guess it's all how you look at addiction. But is it a more evil sin or failure than others, I don't think so.

God gives me Grace and His Grace is available to all. If God is perfect and is willing to give me grace, shouldn't I give Grace freely?

Today I am going to keep walking....

Loneliness

Loneliness, loneliness, loneliness is my biggest struggle! I try to keep busy but some weeks like this can be rough. Its been had being back to central Iowa. Its hard when I don't work and my health is all ways a struggle. Tonight I am really struggling, nights like this I wish I never left California. I had very little alone time. And I love being around people. Just struggling but as they say this to shall pass.

A lesson from Hosea....

Don't really know why but yesterday I read the book of Hosea. What an interesting book of the Bible. God used Hosea as an example of His love for His people. He instructed Hosea to marry Gomer who was a prostate. And like Israel she was not faithful.

Hosea Redeems His Wife

3 And the Lord said to me, ^(A)“Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love cakes of raisins.” ² So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and a ^(B)homer and a lethech^[a] of barley. ³ And I said to her, “You must ^(C)dwell as mine for many days. You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you.” ⁴ For the children of Israel ^(D)shall dwell many days ^(E)without king or prince, ^(F)without sacrifice or ^(G)pillar, without ^(H)ephod or ^(I)household gods. ⁵ Afterward ^(J)the children of Israel shall return and ^(K)seek the Lord their God, and ^(L)David their king, ^(M)and they shall come in fear to the Lord and to his goodness in the ^(N)latter days.

 

We see here in Hosea Chapter three that the Lord told him to go again and love Gomer. Hosea went and bought her. This is a great picture. Even though she was not faithful to him. God told Hosea to go and get her. Today he probably would just have divorced her. And he could of rejected what God told him to do. But he obeyed the Lord. God used Hosea and Gomer as an example of His love for His people. Even though they were not faithful to Him, He still loved them.

 

God has patience for His people. Here he is talking about the Jews. But we can apply this to our lives as Christians. How many times have we been unfaithful to God and yet He still loves us and wants us to come back to Him.

 

Then I start thinking about my life. And how I sit here today as a divorced man. When we get divorced many times we try to justify it. And yes, my ex-wife had "Biblical" reasons to divorce me. But as I read the story above it makes me think that maybe divorce is never really the answer. I am still mourning over the lost of my marriage. Which I single handley destroyed. I have all so done a lot of acting out as an excuse to not deal with the pain of it all. And if I would of turned from my sin earlier than the divorce would not have happened.

 

In Matthew 18 before He gave the divorce clause He said this V.8 He said to them, Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was snot so."

 

While going through the divorce I was told by some that it was God's will for us to get divorced. Yeah, not sure if it is ever God's will for anyone to get divorced since God hates divorce. And now I know some of the reasons He does hate divorce. It breaks up a family. And it affects a lot of other people. I am trying to get passed the past. But the last couple of weeks I have been really hurting and having the what if's and all that fun stuff.

 

I don't know if I am making any sense today. And I do take responsibility for my actions. But even if it is my fault, it still hurts. With being divorced and all my struggles with type one diabetes I wonder sometimes what God's purpose is for me. I sure did a good job at destroying parts of my life. And the sickness keeps me from doing things that I would like to do.

 

Hope all of this makes sense. A verse comes to mind that is used out of context all the time. It is used for sports and other things. But I think this needs to be one of my new verses I hold on to. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

And I know that God can restore. And I pray that God helps me through all of this pain.

 

I am going to keep walking.....

My dog story

Everybody likes a good dog story don't we? Well, we have a German Shepard that is ten or eleven months old. This morning about 5am she was in her kennel. Dad had all ready left for work in Des Moines and I had gotten up and fallen back to sleep in my lazy boy. So all of a sudden I heard Revea our dog freak out and break out of her kennel. So I did not think any thing of it, but when I finally woke up I noticed that she was hurt. Could not figure out what was wrong, expect she was limping with both of her back legs. So, like any good dog owner I took her to the vet. I was thinking the worst. And I am pretty attached to that stupid dog that drives me crazy! I could not believe how worried I was about her. So they did x-rays and blood test. I guess she has a bad sore on one of her back paws. They think the little rug thing we have in the kennel must of brushed against it and hurt her and she freaked out. I even went to the church to have him pray for my dog. Something I thought I would never do! And she is o.k. except for her sore. I can tell it is not feeling well since she is just laying down all day and not running and barking through the house. Or chewing everything in sight.

This whole thing this morning shows me that God cares even about the little things in life. If God can help a dog out, I am sure He cares much more about me. I tend to worry a lot about the future. Jesus said do not worry about tomorrow. And that God even cares for the sparrow. I serve an amazing God. Sometimes I get frustrated because He is not working in my timing. Like right now this second. He hears my prayers, He knows my hearts, He knows the brokenness, and He sure does care. I just need to be reminded sometimes that He is God and I am not.

I am going to keep walking....

Is God's grace enough?

Is God's Grace enough? We say it is with our lips, but do we really believe it in our heart of hearts. If you have read my blog for awhile it's clear that I have had times in my life that I have fallen on my face. I surprised a lot of people in 2006 when it came out that I had a problem with alcohol. At that moment I lost a big part of me. I was living for the God of ministry. I thought that was what I was suppose to do. That a true fired up Christian should be in ministry. Well, I burned my self out because I did not have a tight relationship with my savior. 2006 started a big process for me. I was sober, than I was not, sober, than not. That continued for a few years. I lost a marriage because of actions that I did while I was drunk. I have lost great relationships because of my continued drinking.

Finally through God's grace I have stopped drinking. I try to walk as Jesus did, but I do full short. I have noticed that there are some who are Jesus followers that have a hard time showing me grace. In one way I don't blame them. I did do some horrible things. But, Christ has forgiven me. So His grace is enough to forgive me of all my sins. His Grace is enough.

His grace should be enough to help us forgive others of there sins. His Grace and forgiveness is for all people. I have not all ways been that graceful to others. What I have walked through as showed me to not only receive God's grace in my own life, but to give grace to others. Even to those who don't show me grace. Which is a hard one!

We tend to cheapen God's grace, His Love, And even his forgiveness. There is nothing I can do or not do to loose that grace from Jesus Christ!

So, is Gods grace enough?

Telling others about Jesus!

When I received Christ as savior at the age of 7, I was pretty excited. I use to tell everyone I knew about Jesus. I remember being on the school bus in 6th grade. I was telling a friend that Jesus was the only way, the bus driver rebuked me in his gruff way. It did not stop me I just made sure he did not hear me so I sat closer to the back of the bus. That fire for telling others about Jesus continued until about my senior year of High School. I was not as bold that year, part of the reason I was pretty sick. Then after High School I worked for Boone Biblical Ministries where I could use my gift of Evangelism. I was on the radio and we did a youth ministry out reach.

While in Bible College I got that fire back to tell others about Jesus. While working as a youth pastor that was my favorite part, seeing teens coming to Christ. Now since I started drinking my desire to have that gift has faded. When you are living in sin and not following Christ you don't want to tell others about your faith. The last ten years I have had points of sobriety and would run VBS's and was able to lead kids to the Lord. Since I have been sober this time around it has been like learning how to live the Christian life all over again. I and maybe others feel that if I am not the perfect Christian I should not tell others about Jesus.

What I am learning is that is wrong thinking. People want you to be real. Not acting supper spiritual but being real. A real Christian does struggle with sin, but does not stay in it. A real Christian deals with his sin and if he falls again gets back up and keeps on going. I think we have done a real unjusist to grace when we try to act like we are perfect! I am no perfect nor will I ever be, but I strive to be more like Jesus Christ!

When I tell people that they need Jesus it's not to judge them. It's that He has done so much in my life that I want others to experience. The last few days I have been feeling the Lord pushing me to be more open about my faith. I don't know what that looks like but I need to be willing and ready to give the hope that is within me!

I have been asked why am I so open about my past. And I say that if my past can help others then I will be open. I have been a Christian for a long time, but I have fallen into sin many times. I have fallen short of the glory of God. But God can restore. Sometimes it seems like that restoring takes forever. And I am still in the midst of being restored. I can still share the hope of Jesus with others as I am being shape and formed. I am all ways going to be shaped and formed by God, it's a lifetime kind of thing.

If God has gifted me in an area, I better do what He has gifted me in. People need all of us to be more bold. Not just those that are Evangelist.

Here is a simple plan of Salvation below. It's called the Romans Road.

A GREAT weekend!!!

What a great weekend that I had with my kids! Saturday was Joel's 11th birthday and my dad and I went up to celebrate with him. We brought Revea our dog with us and they both loved it. Then yesterday Joel and Michele got baptized in Platteville! Baptism is such a great step in our faith! They are proclaiming to the world that they are followers of Jesus! There mom get's all the credit for how great they are doing. And the church they are in! There mom is making sure that they know Christ and that they know how to follow them. I am so grateful for Regan and the Platteville Free Methodist Church!

I was told by my doctor that I could not travel that far by myself, so I am trying a new thing and listening to my doctor. That's why dad took me on Saturday and my pastor and his wife took me yesterday and I had such a great time with them!

I feel like I have lost some ground in my spiritual growth the last few months. But again, trying a new thing and trying to be under the authority of my leadership at church. If I listened to them early I would not have lost some ground. But, I am trying to daily do the right thing and be more like Jesus.

I am going to keep walking....

The Lord's prayer

Did you know that the Lord's prayer is a model of how to pray. It was not really intend for us to half heartedly pray it after a service or something. You know what I mean, it sounds like a mumble instead of a prayer. It's fine if you pray it but let me show you what I am talking about.

Number 1: Matt. 6:9 This is how we should pray: Our Father in Heaven.

Number 2: Pray for daily needs. Matt. 6:11 Give us today our daily bread.

Number 3: We should daily pray for the forgiveness of our sins. Matt. 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

Keep walking.....

The Lord's discipline

Certain words stay with you when someone says them to you. It's hard to get them out of your head. Remember that saying, "Stick and stones may brake my bones, but words will never hurt me". What a load of crap! I think it's easier to heal from those stick and stones then it is to heal from words. Even when I forgive a person for saying something hurtful it's still hard to get the words out of my head. I have said hurtful things to people that I am sure still hurts them. I am slowly learning to be careful of what I say. The key word hear is slowly.

Actions is another thing that can hang on to us. Actions of others or actions that we did. I have caused so much heart from my years of drinking, caused so much brokenness and I wish I could just fix it all. Wave a magic wand and everything will be o.k. But as most of us know that is not how it works.

When I come to God and repent and ask forgiveness of my sins He forgives me. It says in the Bible that He even forgets that sin. To repent means to turn away, not to do it again. That is one thing I am working on these days. To truly repent and to truly stop doing the sinful things I have been doing.

Here for me is a sad fact. Some of my broken relationships will never be restored. No matter how much I ask for forgives and truly repent some people will never forgive me for what I have done. Relationship are important to me, so this is a hard fact for me to swallow.

The end of my mirage is all so a hard one. When I got divorced and going through that process the fall out from that has been great. A lot of people have been affected by this. My kids have got the blunt of it. Any attempt for me to try to restore that relationship my ex wife likes to remind me that we are divorced based on Biblical issues. Which I guess it makes it all o.k. If I am honest I am still hurting deeply from how that all went down. It felt me at the time and I still feel this way it was like she was looking for a reason to divorce me. Now I admit I did sin against her in so many ways. But when I hear her tell me this kind of stuff I all ways wonder about forgiveness.

I use to be reminded often by a Pastor and one time good friend that I am living the consequences of my sins. And that is true. I am living in that right now.

But after saying all of this, there is hope in the Lord. He can and will restore me to where He wants me to be as long as I am willing to follow Him. I fall many times, but I need to keep on keeping on. Even though it's hard being disciplined by the Lord, it's a good sign that I am His son.

I don't know what God has planned for me. I am guessing it's not the next Billy Graham as I imagined years ago. But I am going to keep pressing on.

In Hebrews 12 the writer talks about being disciplined by God. Some times we try to give out the discipline and I think some times that is needed and some times not. The last couple of weeks the Holy Spirit had been convicting me of a sin that I was in. I fell into depression because I was not listing to Him. For me sometimes that's what I need. The Holy Spirit to convict than wake me up with either going through something or maybe by someone else.

Do Not Grow Weary

Hebrews 12

^3 (H)Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or ^(I)fainthearted. ⁴ In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

^(J)“My son, ^(K)do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
    nor be weary when reproved by him.
⁶ For ^(L)the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and chastises every son whom he receives.”

⁷ It is for discipline that you have to endure. ^(M)God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? ⁸ If you are left without discipline, ^(N)in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. ⁹ Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to ^(O)the Father of spirits ^(P)and live? ¹⁰ For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, ^(Q)that we may share his holiness. ^11 (R)For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields ^(S)the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

¹² Therefore ^(T)lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, ¹³ and ^(U)make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint ^(V)but rather be healed. ^14 (W)Strive for peace with everyone, and for the ^(X)holiness ^(Y)without which no one will see the Lord. ¹⁵ See to it that no one ^(Z)fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ^(AA)“root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; ¹⁶ that no one is ^(AB)sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. ¹⁷ For you know that ^(AC)afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.