Last night I was a mess. The last few days I have been struggling with deep depression. I have been gong to bed crying and waking up crying. Yesterday was a tough day since I found out my stomach is in a bad place and I probably will be on the feeding tube for awhile this time. It is easy for me to lose hope on days like yesterday. To loose perspective on life. Feelings of giving up, and then anger have been going on for a few days. Questions of what good am I any more to any one and then feelings of regret of how I wasted days of health. The goal of moving back here seems to be gone. As I am not well enough to go see my kids. As I think of the future it is easy to not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am not drinking now and have not been for awhile. Thoughts of maybe this is all from the sins of my past. I am glad that I have a sponsor that told me something very important. Feelings are just feelings. I don't have to react to them. Thoughts of just ending my life have been in my head. Thinking that everyone would be better off if I was just dead. And wanting the pain and the suffering to just go away. But, these are just feelings. These are just thoughts and I do not have to act upon them. I get Bible verses on my phone and this is the one I got this morning.
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26
A verse that I needed! A word from the Lord that I needed. A verse that is exactly where I am at today. My flesh and my heart feel like they are failing. But what do I need to do, cling more to God. Instead of being angry at Him and feeling that He is no where to be found I need to just keep holding on. Instead of thinking He does not care anymore understand that He does. I prayed last night that He would do something. And so in my view He did. He gave me this verse. He also gave me another verse from Romans 12. As your read the verses below, what stuck out to me was verses 11 and 12. Where has my spiritual zeal gone? It is easy to have it when I am well, but I need it every hour of the day. And then verse 13 tells me to keep on keeping on in faith. I don't know what the future holds. And my dreams of being this famous speaker will probably never happen. But what I can do is live for today. Live for Christ today! Devote myself 100% to Him.
9 Love must be sincere.Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope. patient in affliction faithful in prayer.13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need Practice hospitality.
No comments:
Post a Comment