There is so much going on in the world these days. If you
let yourself you can get caught up in the hype. If you watch the news they act
like we are going to die. The sky is falling! God tells us not to fear. But to
trust in Him. Overwhelming fear of everything is not from God. Fear is one of
those things that keeps us from taking big steps in life. Fear is a big hope
killer.
Fear is a big struggle for me. With all my health stuff I
fear that I will never get bettter. And my biggest fear is not making an impact
in the world. I have been trying to raise money for diabetes through a page I
made on JDRF.org. It is not going well since I have raised no money. So of
course I take that personally. The fear of what good am I to anyone is a big
one for me right now. I want to be used by God. But how as sick as I am can I
do that.
But God's ways are not my way! I have my ideas and plans.
But God has a different plan for me. What is it? I don't know. It's sure not
what I thought it would be. I have said this before, but I feel like I am in
the dessert. Jesus spent time there and Paul did all so. I want everything to
happen now.
Doing this time, I have learned a lot about myself. Some
things good and something's I need to work on. I hope I am coming more compensate
to those that are hurting and be less judgmental of those I don't understand. I
have all ways liked to be the center of attention. Making people life being the
funny guy in the group. I think back to the days that I was preaching and
teaching and I miss those days. But that is not where I am at today. I blew the preaching and teaching
by my deciding to drink and throw my family away and threw my ability of being
a leader away. Those things might happen again, but I need to find my hope not
in those things but in God. Some things I threw away by choice and then there
are things now that I can not do because of my health!
I need to be willing to find new ways to be useful. Right
now I feel like I am not useful to anyone. But that is just feelings. The reason
why I am so open on this blogg is so maybe others are struggling with these
things and it can help them and at least show them they are not alone.
That's why I all ways say I try to suffer well. Some days I
suffer well and other days not so much! I keep on getting told that I am strong
or tough while going through this sickness I am in. I don't know about that.
Some days I just want to give up. But that is not an option. Today I am going
to choose to week walking.....
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