Feeling Can Lead You Wrong

Do you ever feel unimportant to people all around you or that you are living in the wrong place? I know that I am important to God and I know that for a fact. Sometimes I feel people are not willing to take a chance on me anymore. Maybe it’s because I have burned bridges from my past sins. Maybe it’s because of my chronic illness and the excuse I hear over and over is that I can’t be dependable due to the ups and ad downs of my health. I have been feeling like I have no purpose in life right. I moved back to central Iowa so I could see my kids more but again due to my health that has happened either. I have always been an idea guy and so I have tried to do ministry in different non traditional ways like doing my podcast, trying to write in my blog, reach people through social media and other different ways. Some days and those days are right now I don’t feel like I am doing much good.
Continued and long term suffering is not easy. Some people call this the dessert place and for me it’s almost been three years. I am getting very tired and weary. I feel stuck in place that I feel that I don’t belong and I grew up here. Old friends won’t have anything to do with me and new ones are hard to make.
The Bible tells us to wait on the Lord. And that is the hardest part. And that is what I need to do. Is it easy, not at all but obeying the Lord is the best thing I can do today. One thing the Bible teaches me see I can’t go by feeling! I feel like a huge looser and no one cares or loves me today, but I know that the Bible says even if that was true that God loves me and cares for me. The truth is people do care and love they are just not acting like I think they should. 

So I am going to probably keep feeling a little lousy today but a little less lousy since I just reminded myself my feeling are wrong and the the Truth of God’s Word is right!

Never give up, never give in, clinging to HIM

 

Last night I was a mess. The last few days I have been struggling with deep depression. I have been gong to bed crying and waking up crying. Yesterday was a tough day since I found out my stomach is in a bad place and I probably will be on the feeding tube for awhile this time. It is easy for me to lose hope on days like yesterday. To loose perspective on life. Feelings of giving up, and then anger have been going on for a few days. Questions of what good am I  any more to any one and then feelings of regret of how I wasted days of health. The goal of moving back here seems to be gone. As I am not well enough to go see my kids. As I think of the future it is easy to not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am not drinking now and have not been for awhile. Thoughts of maybe this is all from the sins of my past. I am glad that I have a sponsor that told me something very important. Feelings are just feelings. I don't have to react to them. Thoughts of just ending my life have been in my head. Thinking that everyone would be better off if I was just dead. And wanting the pain and the suffering to just go away. But, these are just feelings. These are just thoughts and I do not have to act upon them. I get Bible verses on my phone and this is the one I got this morning.

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26

 A verse that I needed! A word from the Lord that I needed. A verse that is exactly where I am at today. My flesh and my heart feel like they are failing. But what do I need to do, cling more to God. Instead of being angry at Him and feeling that He is no where to be found I need to just keep holding on. Instead of thinking He does not care anymore understand that He does. I prayed last night that He would do something. And so in my view He did. He gave me this verse. He also gave me another verse from Romans 12. As your read the verses below, what stuck out to me was verses 11 and 12. Where has my spiritual zeal gone? It is easy to have it when I am well, but I need it every hour of the day. And then verse 13 tells me to keep on keeping on in faith. I don't know what the future holds. And my dreams of being this famous speaker will probably never happen. But what I can do is live for today. Live for Christ today! Devote myself 100% to Him.

 ⁹ Love must be sincere.Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope. patient in affliction faithful in prayer.¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need Practice hospitality.

Frustrated

I am growing weary of my continued sickness. My heart feels like I have been abandoned by God and His people. Just read the first two chapters of Job and read 2 Corinthians 12 about Paul's thorn in the flesh. I realize that today I am not suffering well and my faith is weak. I see no light at the end if the tunnel. My attitude has and is poor. I see my stomach doctor tomorrow and feel like there is no point. I don't feel like he listens to me.
But today right now my prayer is that God will help me change my attitude. That today I will be more like Job and Paul. I need to cling to Him.
I see two doctors this week my stomach doctor and the blood/cancer doctor. Please pray that my stomach doc listens and that with the other doc that I will get some clear answers.
I am going to keep walking today.

Dealing with Suffering part 1

I was given a book recently called "Living Successfully with Chronic Illness". My first reaction to the book is laughter. Now I have not started reading the book yet and I am sure it will be helpful. But if you struggle with a chronic illness you will understand my response. People struggle with many things in life. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with Type one diabetes. Changed my life forever. The last year and really the last couple of months have been rough. Got some other health issues not related to the diabetes that they are trying to figure out. But the title of the book got me thinking, how should I as a Christian handle Chronic Illness or just plain suffering. Pain, suffering, illness, death, and a lot more is going to happen in our lives. I will be hontest, I have not all ways handled my bad health the best. It is so easy to go into self pity. I had a thought the other day. And I think it was from God. First, I believe that some people are just called to suffer. As Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:10 "that is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in harships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong". Christ is Paul's

Christ's is Paul's every thing. The one he clings to. And we should all so do that.

Here is point number 2, and this is where I am at. We suffer so we can encourge others. Maybe I am called in this life to suffer to bring Him glory. Maybe not, but we should all encourage each other. Epically if we can understand what that person has gone through.

2 Corinthians 1 New International Version (NIV)

Praise to the God of All Comfort

³ Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,^(H) the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us^(I) in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ,^(J) so also our comfort abounds through Christ. ⁶ If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation;^(K) if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. ⁷ And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings,^(L) so also you share in our comfort.

⁸ We do not want you to be uninformed,^(M) brothers and sisters,^[a] about the troubles we experienced^(N) in the province of Asia.^(O) We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself. ⁹ Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God,^(P) who raises the dead.^{(Q) 10} He has delivered us from such a deadly peril,^(R) and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope^(S) that he will continue to deliver us, ¹¹ as you help us by your prayers.^(T) Then many will give thanks^(U) on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.

This is part one, so stay tuned to the next post. Brain not working very well these days, well it never worked well any way.
Keep walking...

He is strong

Life has been crazy! It is great being here in Alaska! I am still trying to put my mind around the little note I got from my ex. And still trying to figure out what God's will is for me. My first reaction was to just run back to Eureka, but is that the answer? Some times in life there is not a clear answer what the right thing is.

Feeling tired and still hurting a little bit from my surgery. When I am weak He is strong.