Christmas joy and pain

There is a reason why God hates divorce. It pulls families apart. Marriage is supposed to be for life. I see the effects that my divorce and my parents divorce has on my life. Especially during holidays. I relive I caused my divorce by my sins. But it still hurts. Since my divorce I haven't had my kids on Christmas Day. I just had them for two days and it went by fast. I was not having good health day's while they were here and had to go to bed early every night. 

We tried to include my dad today with my mom and the kids and that blew up in my face. My blood sugars have been high all day today I think because of stress. 

During the holidays I often feel like a second class citizen when it comes to my kids. I only get them if it works for my ex wife. I am thankful for the time I had but it was only two days. 

With my bad health I try to be more easygoing. And with my bad health I am more emotional. 

It amazes me that my kids still love me! It's been a hard year for me. I guess I am sad tonight. Sad that I only got two days with the kids, sad that who knows when I will see them again, sad that my sin had caused all of this, sad because I am so sick and there seems to be no hope in sight, I guess I am just sad. 

This isn't a very positive post for Christmas Eve. Gods plan for marriage is forever. And there is a reason for that. During holidays I hurt more. And I have caused my own pain. 

As I write about my pain and sickness I know what the word of God says. I know I am forgiven by God! I know that for a fact. One of the hardest things is we as humans sometimes don't forgive ourselves or others. 

Days like these are the hardest as my mom dropped my kids off and me not knowing when I will see the kids again. I have been doing a lot of crying today. 

Tonight I feel like giving up. My health is causing me lots of pain! Tonight I have been asking God what's the point!

When I get like this I need to cry out to the one who understands Jesus! This Christmas had brought me joy and pain. Something many people will understand. 

Never give up, never give in, clinging to HIM

 

Last night I was a mess. The last few days I have been struggling with deep depression. I have been gong to bed crying and waking up crying. Yesterday was a tough day since I found out my stomach is in a bad place and I probably will be on the feeding tube for awhile this time. It is easy for me to lose hope on days like yesterday. To loose perspective on life. Feelings of giving up, and then anger have been going on for a few days. Questions of what good am I  any more to any one and then feelings of regret of how I wasted days of health. The goal of moving back here seems to be gone. As I am not well enough to go see my kids. As I think of the future it is easy to not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am not drinking now and have not been for awhile. Thoughts of maybe this is all from the sins of my past. I am glad that I have a sponsor that told me something very important. Feelings are just feelings. I don't have to react to them. Thoughts of just ending my life have been in my head. Thinking that everyone would be better off if I was just dead. And wanting the pain and the suffering to just go away. But, these are just feelings. These are just thoughts and I do not have to act upon them. I get Bible verses on my phone and this is the one I got this morning.

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26

 A verse that I needed! A word from the Lord that I needed. A verse that is exactly where I am at today. My flesh and my heart feel like they are failing. But what do I need to do, cling more to God. Instead of being angry at Him and feeling that He is no where to be found I need to just keep holding on. Instead of thinking He does not care anymore understand that He does. I prayed last night that He would do something. And so in my view He did. He gave me this verse. He also gave me another verse from Romans 12. As your read the verses below, what stuck out to me was verses 11 and 12. Where has my spiritual zeal gone? It is easy to have it when I am well, but I need it every hour of the day. And then verse 13 tells me to keep on keeping on in faith. I don't know what the future holds. And my dreams of being this famous speaker will probably never happen. But what I can do is live for today. Live for Christ today! Devote myself 100% to Him.

 ⁹ Love must be sincere.Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope. patient in affliction faithful in prayer.¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need Practice hospitality.

Four belly buttons

On September 21 a Sunday I went into the hospital again and did not get out until yesterday October 7. Reason I went in was again for my diabetic Gastroparesis. I went to the Ames hospital this time. I ended up getting a feeding tube put in my belly. Now I will have four belly buttons :-) I guess God wanted to see if I suffered well. And of course I did not do the best. I had good days and some pretty bad days. My faith again has been stretched and tested. There were days of complete despair and wondering if God has just given up on me. But I made it through it and got home yesterday. When in the hospital it is easy to just update on facebook then to try and write a blog on my phone.

 

My aunt just died from type one diabetes. And that is what I suffer from and then add on the complications. I was a part of a facebook group that was suppose to be a support page for those who struggle with diabetes. Right before going into the hospital some one posted a comment that caused many reactions. The person said diabetes is easy and basically just get over it and move on. I am paraphrasing what this person said. Diabetes is not easy for me. I am glad that this person has had an easy time at it. But there are those like me that try there hardest and still run into problems.

 

It seems I am doing every thing I can yet I still am having so many problems. Life sometimes is just a struggle. Nothing seems to come easy for me. There are Christians that make Christianity look easy. But not me. I have to bumble and struggle. A lot of bad choices in my past.

 

I am not a Christian because I think I am better than everyone else, though I did think that way years ago. I follow Christ because I know that I am not good enough and I need Jesus. Years ago my pride got in the way of a lot of things. Then I was broken to the point that I now know Gary can't do it, but Christ can. I am a Christian because I need a savior and a helper in time of distress. Without Christ I am nothing. I use to have the attitude it's my way or the high way. Not like that anymore either. It's Christ way.

 

I do keep on asking God what is my purpose. Why do I suffer so much and why did He keep me alive while doing some pretty sinful things. More will be revilved they tell me and this to shall pass. I have to keep my hope on Christ and keep looking forward. It's to easy to feel sorry for myself and just focus on me.

 

Diabetes and the Christian life is not all ways easy. And if you meet someone that claims one of them are, tell them to write a book on how they do it. They would be rich!

 

I am divorced. And there are many opinion on remarriage and I have heard them all. A few months ago I reconnected with a friend that I graduated from High School with. One of my problems I am a people pleaser and want to please everyone. But it is amazing that this amazing woman with so much purpose and talent in her life has poured out so much for me that last few weeks. She has shown Christ love to me over and over again. I have broken up with her a few times not truly knowing what the right thing is to do. But we keep on getting back together and the more I get to know her the more I see that she has Christ in her. Instead of looking back it's time to look forward. Instead of trying to please everyone, I need to please Christ. I don't know what she sees in me, but she is truly pretty cool and I feel pretty blessed that she has stuck around.

 

Well, that's all today. I am going to keep walking.....

More will be revealed!

Finding out more about my surgery I had last Monday. The doc never really talked to me but he talked to my dad. I asked dad last night all that went on in my surgery, well the biggest thing that he told me is that they had to take a biopsy of something and had to send it out to make sure it is not cancer. He is not sure what it was they had to biopsy. So I will find out on the 12th when I have my postop appointment. The surgery  was longer than they thought it would be and the doc told my dad I will be struggling with the pain for a few weeks. This has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Monday and Tuesday were pretty good days. And then yesterday and today the pain has been pretty bad.
Just an update for u all and it u pray please pray for me. God is teaching me something, trying to figure out what! All I can do today is keep on keeping on!