Resting in Him

That deep depression that just does not go away. I have this pain in my heart that keeps hurting and I don’t know why. I am reading my Bible and praying and I am reaching out and I am still depressed. I feel like I am in this pit and I can’t get out. I guess I am tired of being alone all the time. Being sick and alone. I have my hope in Jesus so why am I depressed? I guess many Christians who struggle with depression ask that question. I have been diagnosed with bipolar and sometimes it gets hard. I take my meds when I am should but it is a battle. Somedays I feel like giving up, but I know that I can’t.

I have learned through the past few years feels come and go but I don’t have to act on them. That’s why I need to know the Truth of God’s Word. His Truth never changes! Even if I don’t feel like it, it’s true! The more I can read His Word the better I am when I get when I get depressed. It’s o.k to be down but it’s not o.k. to have bad actions when I am down. I can cry and cry out to the Lord, that is o.k. He cares and listens when I cry out. But my old ways of dealing with things are not o.k.

When David was struggling he wrote a Psalm. We can see through his writings he struggled with depression. There is something about writing and writing to God that helps us out. My heart might be down cast right now but my love for Jesus never fades! During the last few days I have been reading the Bible more and praying and crying out to Jesus. He hears me and loves me! I just want Him to take away my sickness and pain, but for some reason God sees fit to have me in this situation. It’s hard, but when I am weak He is strong! Today I am going to rest in Him!

And life goes on!

There is so much going on in the world these days. If you let yourself you can get caught up in the hype. If you watch the news they act like we are going to die. The sky is falling! God tells us not to fear. But to trust in Him. Overwhelming fear of everything is not from God. Fear is one of those things that keeps us from taking big steps in life. Fear is a big hope killer.

 

Fear is a big struggle for me. With all my health stuff I fear that I will never get bettter. And my biggest fear is not making an impact in the world. I have been trying to raise money for diabetes through a page I made on JDRF.org. It is not going well since I have raised no money. So of course I take that personally. The fear of what good am I to anyone is a big one for me right now. I want to be used by God. But how as sick as I am can I do that.

 

But God's ways are not my way! I have my ideas and plans. But God has a different plan for me. What is it? I don't know. It's sure not what I thought it would be. I have said this before, but I feel like I am in the dessert. Jesus spent time there and Paul did all so. I want everything to happen now.

 

Doing this time, I have learned a lot about myself. Some things good and something's I need to work on. I hope I am coming more compensate to those that are hurting and be less judgmental of those I don't understand. I have all ways liked to be the center of attention. Making people life being the funny guy in the group. I think back to the days that I was preaching and teaching and I miss those days. But that is not where I am  at today. I blew the preaching and teaching by my deciding to drink and throw my family away and threw my ability of being a leader away. Those things might happen again, but I need to find my hope not in those things but in God. Some things I threw away by choice and then there are things now that I can not do because of my health!

 

I need to be willing to find new ways to be useful. Right now I feel like I am not useful to anyone. But that is just feelings. The reason why I am so open on this blogg is so maybe others are struggling with these things and it can help them and at least show them they are not alone.

 

That's why I all ways say I try to suffer well. Some days I suffer well and other days not so much! I keep on getting told that I am strong or tough while going through this sickness I am in. I don't know about that. Some days I just want to give up. But that is not an option. Today I am going to choose to week walking.....