A rough weekend....

It was a rough weekend for me. Not sure what was up, but I just was not feeling well. We were suppose to go to a type one diabetic event and volunteer at it, but I was feeling pretty bad on Saturday. I get these tremors that I guess is an inherited thing and I was shaking pretty bad on Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

 

On Thursday I had an appointment with my blood doctor and my white blood cell count has been low for a few months. He thinks I have iron anemia and so I am getting IV iron infusions everyday this week. My B12 is all so low so I am getting B12 shots all week. The doc thinks that my weakness and light headiness is caused by my low iron and B12. So I am praying these work!

 

It is easy to be discouraged. It just seems everything is happening all at once. Really starting to miss my kids! Have not seen them since the end of August. Hoping this stuff will help me start feeling up to going and seeing them. Still trying to cling to the Lord in all of this. Still wonder at times what good I am to anyone these days. But as long as I keep my eyes on Jesus I will have hope!

And life goes on!

There is so much going on in the world these days. If you let yourself you can get caught up in the hype. If you watch the news they act like we are going to die. The sky is falling! God tells us not to fear. But to trust in Him. Overwhelming fear of everything is not from God. Fear is one of those things that keeps us from taking big steps in life. Fear is a big hope killer.

 

Fear is a big struggle for me. With all my health stuff I fear that I will never get bettter. And my biggest fear is not making an impact in the world. I have been trying to raise money for diabetes through a page I made on JDRF.org. It is not going well since I have raised no money. So of course I take that personally. The fear of what good am I to anyone is a big one for me right now. I want to be used by God. But how as sick as I am can I do that.

 

But God's ways are not my way! I have my ideas and plans. But God has a different plan for me. What is it? I don't know. It's sure not what I thought it would be. I have said this before, but I feel like I am in the dessert. Jesus spent time there and Paul did all so. I want everything to happen now.

 

Doing this time, I have learned a lot about myself. Some things good and something's I need to work on. I hope I am coming more compensate to those that are hurting and be less judgmental of those I don't understand. I have all ways liked to be the center of attention. Making people life being the funny guy in the group. I think back to the days that I was preaching and teaching and I miss those days. But that is not where I am  at today. I blew the preaching and teaching by my deciding to drink and throw my family away and threw my ability of being a leader away. Those things might happen again, but I need to find my hope not in those things but in God. Some things I threw away by choice and then there are things now that I can not do because of my health!

 

I need to be willing to find new ways to be useful. Right now I feel like I am not useful to anyone. But that is just feelings. The reason why I am so open on this blogg is so maybe others are struggling with these things and it can help them and at least show them they are not alone.

 

That's why I all ways say I try to suffer well. Some days I suffer well and other days not so much! I keep on getting told that I am strong or tough while going through this sickness I am in. I don't know about that. Some days I just want to give up. But that is not an option. Today I am going to choose to week walking.....

Just a check in...

It is sometimes hard to write on this blogg. Not always in the best mood or just don't know what to say. I have been home now for two weeks from the hospital. It's been an up and down two weeks. My tube placement is still causing me pain. I have been trying to get out a little bit everyday. The plus is that the weather has been great! Will write in the blogg more later.

 

Keep walking....

My Hope

What keeps us going? It is Hope. Any time someone takes there life they have lost hope. When people throw themselves in the bottle they might have lost hope. When we give up on a marriage, it is the lost of hope. When we give up on ourselves it is the lost of hope. Hope keeps us going. A Hope for a better tomorrow. Some times it is easy to loose hope. I can now more understand those who are shut in and the struggles they must have. If you live with any kind of chronic illness you probably have had times where you have lost hope.

 

My Hope is in the Lord. Even though some days my faith is shaken. If I take my eyes off of Jesus it is so easy to start loosing hope. The day in and day out of my illness can get to me. I have asked questions the last few days like, where are you God? And why me? I know I am in trouble when I start asking those two questions. I need to turn around the why me to why not me? Would I wish this on some one else. Well.... no. Even those who I don' like very much, I would not wish this on any one. So today I am going to try and not ask that question. And where is God, He is right here with me. I don't know how people go through stuff like this without God.

 
Just took a little walk today. It is a really nice day. As I was walking this song kept coming in my head. " I need thee every hour...." I do need God every hour and every minute. When no one is around I need to encourage myself with things like this. Encourage myself through reading His Word. My strength is low. It is a big deal for me to just walk these days. But as I walk, sit, stand, sleep, cry or whatever I need Him and He hears my cry. Some days I feel forgotten by everyone I know, but God will never leave me nor will He forsake me. Pressing on and pressing forward not alone, but with God.

Let's Wear RED

Never give up, never give in, clinging to HIM

 

Last night I was a mess. The last few days I have been struggling with deep depression. I have been gong to bed crying and waking up crying. Yesterday was a tough day since I found out my stomach is in a bad place and I probably will be on the feeding tube for awhile this time. It is easy for me to lose hope on days like yesterday. To loose perspective on life. Feelings of giving up, and then anger have been going on for a few days. Questions of what good am I  any more to any one and then feelings of regret of how I wasted days of health. The goal of moving back here seems to be gone. As I am not well enough to go see my kids. As I think of the future it is easy to not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am not drinking now and have not been for awhile. Thoughts of maybe this is all from the sins of my past. I am glad that I have a sponsor that told me something very important. Feelings are just feelings. I don't have to react to them. Thoughts of just ending my life have been in my head. Thinking that everyone would be better off if I was just dead. And wanting the pain and the suffering to just go away. But, these are just feelings. These are just thoughts and I do not have to act upon them. I get Bible verses on my phone and this is the one I got this morning.

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26

 A verse that I needed! A word from the Lord that I needed. A verse that is exactly where I am at today. My flesh and my heart feel like they are failing. But what do I need to do, cling more to God. Instead of being angry at Him and feeling that He is no where to be found I need to just keep holding on. Instead of thinking He does not care anymore understand that He does. I prayed last night that He would do something. And so in my view He did. He gave me this verse. He also gave me another verse from Romans 12. As your read the verses below, what stuck out to me was verses 11 and 12. Where has my spiritual zeal gone? It is easy to have it when I am well, but I need it every hour of the day. And then verse 13 tells me to keep on keeping on in faith. I don't know what the future holds. And my dreams of being this famous speaker will probably never happen. But what I can do is live for today. Live for Christ today! Devote myself 100% to Him.

 ⁹ Love must be sincere.Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope. patient in affliction faithful in prayer.¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need Practice hospitality.

A Day of Doc Appointments....

Trying to stay positive. That seems to be every bodies answer to my struggles the last few days. My depression has been hitting me pretty hard all weekend. I try daily to suffer well and to stay positive. I have been feeling like God's wiping boy these days. My health just seems to not give up and feeling better is a day to day thing. One day I am feeling o.k. and the next I am not. Being sick and going in and out of the hospital is not new to me, it's been my life pretty much my whole life. So what happens if "this to shall pass" never passes. My faith has been shaken this time around. The question I struggle with is how can I do any good being as sick as I am. It seems that I can't catch a break. A never ending and on going sickness that seems that will not get any better.

 

Had two  Doctor appointments today. Saw my stomach doc and he said in about three weeks they are going to put a better tube in my stomach. Not sure what's wrong with the one I have, but I guess it's better. My blood sugar is finally doing a little better. Having high blood sugars cause my emotions to go crazy. God allows what He allows and some days that just drives me crazy. I wish I would know the reason for all this.

 

I am going to try and keep walking....

 

Peaches for a cure

tools of the trade

Tool of the trade these days. The above picture I have my trustee insulin pump and behind me is my friend Beaker :-) Then I am using a cane now just because of my weakness and I am still unsteady on my feet. And of course my new feeding tube.

Below is my blood sugar meteor and all the pills I take. I could star my on pharmacy these days.

 When I am weak HE is strong! Good thing this is true!

Having a rough go at it!

Up early this morning. Not really by choice. I have to sleep in the lazy boy in our living room. While the feedings are going I can't sleep laying down. So I get woken up when dad gets ready for work. Which is not a bad thing I get to talk to him before he goes to work. One thing I have learned through all of this is don't take your family for granted, you never know when the last time it is you will see them.

 

Yesterday was an up and down day. The last few nights my blood sugars have been high which mess's with my emotions. I try my hardest to suffer well, but some days I don't that is for sure. Everything was just getting to me. Sometimes I wish I had cancer because at least there would be an end game. You either get cancer free or you die. Not saying I want to die, it's just with this chronic disease I struggle with seems to never stop. It never gives in and never gives up. I wander what is going to happen next. I have a feeding tube which I have had one before. But what is next for me. Having type one diabetes as an adult is so hard. It was hard as a kid but It has gotten harder.

 

So I started the day yesterday feeling pretty hopeless and just plain wanting to give up. I did what I have been thought and started calling people. My Pastor stopped by and that was good and then I went to an aa meeting. By the end of the day my outlook on life was better.

 

I miss doing things I use to. I wish I could go to the Iowa State game today. But I don't think I could make it through it. And I do wish people would make a fuss over me, I know I still have some pride issues. And I really miss seeing my kids. The reason I moved back here and I don't get to see them much.

 

Any hoot, I am sure struggling right now. I am going to try to keep walking with Him.

Four belly buttons

On September 21 a Sunday I went into the hospital again and did not get out until yesterday October 7. Reason I went in was again for my diabetic Gastroparesis. I went to the Ames hospital this time. I ended up getting a feeding tube put in my belly. Now I will have four belly buttons :-) I guess God wanted to see if I suffered well. And of course I did not do the best. I had good days and some pretty bad days. My faith again has been stretched and tested. There were days of complete despair and wondering if God has just given up on me. But I made it through it and got home yesterday. When in the hospital it is easy to just update on facebook then to try and write a blog on my phone.

 

My aunt just died from type one diabetes. And that is what I suffer from and then add on the complications. I was a part of a facebook group that was suppose to be a support page for those who struggle with diabetes. Right before going into the hospital some one posted a comment that caused many reactions. The person said diabetes is easy and basically just get over it and move on. I am paraphrasing what this person said. Diabetes is not easy for me. I am glad that this person has had an easy time at it. But there are those like me that try there hardest and still run into problems.

 

It seems I am doing every thing I can yet I still am having so many problems. Life sometimes is just a struggle. Nothing seems to come easy for me. There are Christians that make Christianity look easy. But not me. I have to bumble and struggle. A lot of bad choices in my past.

 

I am not a Christian because I think I am better than everyone else, though I did think that way years ago. I follow Christ because I know that I am not good enough and I need Jesus. Years ago my pride got in the way of a lot of things. Then I was broken to the point that I now know Gary can't do it, but Christ can. I am a Christian because I need a savior and a helper in time of distress. Without Christ I am nothing. I use to have the attitude it's my way or the high way. Not like that anymore either. It's Christ way.

 

I do keep on asking God what is my purpose. Why do I suffer so much and why did He keep me alive while doing some pretty sinful things. More will be revilved they tell me and this to shall pass. I have to keep my hope on Christ and keep looking forward. It's to easy to feel sorry for myself and just focus on me.

 

Diabetes and the Christian life is not all ways easy. And if you meet someone that claims one of them are, tell them to write a book on how they do it. They would be rich!

 

I am divorced. And there are many opinion on remarriage and I have heard them all. A few months ago I reconnected with a friend that I graduated from High School with. One of my problems I am a people pleaser and want to please everyone. But it is amazing that this amazing woman with so much purpose and talent in her life has poured out so much for me that last few weeks. She has shown Christ love to me over and over again. I have broken up with her a few times not truly knowing what the right thing is to do. But we keep on getting back together and the more I get to know her the more I see that she has Christ in her. Instead of looking back it's time to look forward. Instead of trying to please everyone, I need to please Christ. I don't know what she sees in me, but she is truly pretty cool and I feel pretty blessed that she has stuck around.

 

Well, that's all today. I am going to keep walking.....