Let's Wear RED

Never give up, never give in, clinging to HIM

 

Last night I was a mess. The last few days I have been struggling with deep depression. I have been gong to bed crying and waking up crying. Yesterday was a tough day since I found out my stomach is in a bad place and I probably will be on the feeding tube for awhile this time. It is easy for me to lose hope on days like yesterday. To loose perspective on life. Feelings of giving up, and then anger have been going on for a few days. Questions of what good am I  any more to any one and then feelings of regret of how I wasted days of health. The goal of moving back here seems to be gone. As I am not well enough to go see my kids. As I think of the future it is easy to not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am not drinking now and have not been for awhile. Thoughts of maybe this is all from the sins of my past. I am glad that I have a sponsor that told me something very important. Feelings are just feelings. I don't have to react to them. Thoughts of just ending my life have been in my head. Thinking that everyone would be better off if I was just dead. And wanting the pain and the suffering to just go away. But, these are just feelings. These are just thoughts and I do not have to act upon them. I get Bible verses on my phone and this is the one I got this morning.

 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26

 A verse that I needed! A word from the Lord that I needed. A verse that is exactly where I am at today. My flesh and my heart feel like they are failing. But what do I need to do, cling more to God. Instead of being angry at Him and feeling that He is no where to be found I need to just keep holding on. Instead of thinking He does not care anymore understand that He does. I prayed last night that He would do something. And so in my view He did. He gave me this verse. He also gave me another verse from Romans 12. As your read the verses below, what stuck out to me was verses 11 and 12. Where has my spiritual zeal gone? It is easy to have it when I am well, but I need it every hour of the day. And then verse 13 tells me to keep on keeping on in faith. I don't know what the future holds. And my dreams of being this famous speaker will probably never happen. But what I can do is live for today. Live for Christ today! Devote myself 100% to Him.

 ⁹ Love must be sincere.Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. ¹⁰ Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. ¹¹ Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. ¹² Be joyful in hope. patient in affliction faithful in prayer.¹³ Share with the Lord’s people who are in need Practice hospitality.

A Day of Doc Appointments....

Trying to stay positive. That seems to be every bodies answer to my struggles the last few days. My depression has been hitting me pretty hard all weekend. I try daily to suffer well and to stay positive. I have been feeling like God's wiping boy these days. My health just seems to not give up and feeling better is a day to day thing. One day I am feeling o.k. and the next I am not. Being sick and going in and out of the hospital is not new to me, it's been my life pretty much my whole life. So what happens if "this to shall pass" never passes. My faith has been shaken this time around. The question I struggle with is how can I do any good being as sick as I am. It seems that I can't catch a break. A never ending and on going sickness that seems that will not get any better.

 

Had two  Doctor appointments today. Saw my stomach doc and he said in about three weeks they are going to put a better tube in my stomach. Not sure what's wrong with the one I have, but I guess it's better. My blood sugar is finally doing a little better. Having high blood sugars cause my emotions to go crazy. God allows what He allows and some days that just drives me crazy. I wish I would know the reason for all this.

 

I am going to try and keep walking....

 

Peaches for a cure

tools of the trade

Tool of the trade these days. The above picture I have my trustee insulin pump and behind me is my friend Beaker :-) Then I am using a cane now just because of my weakness and I am still unsteady on my feet. And of course my new feeding tube.

Below is my blood sugar meteor and all the pills I take. I could star my on pharmacy these days.

 When I am weak HE is strong! Good thing this is true!

Having a rough go at it!

Up early this morning. Not really by choice. I have to sleep in the lazy boy in our living room. While the feedings are going I can't sleep laying down. So I get woken up when dad gets ready for work. Which is not a bad thing I get to talk to him before he goes to work. One thing I have learned through all of this is don't take your family for granted, you never know when the last time it is you will see them.

 

Yesterday was an up and down day. The last few nights my blood sugars have been high which mess's with my emotions. I try my hardest to suffer well, but some days I don't that is for sure. Everything was just getting to me. Sometimes I wish I had cancer because at least there would be an end game. You either get cancer free or you die. Not saying I want to die, it's just with this chronic disease I struggle with seems to never stop. It never gives in and never gives up. I wander what is going to happen next. I have a feeding tube which I have had one before. But what is next for me. Having type one diabetes as an adult is so hard. It was hard as a kid but It has gotten harder.

 

So I started the day yesterday feeling pretty hopeless and just plain wanting to give up. I did what I have been thought and started calling people. My Pastor stopped by and that was good and then I went to an aa meeting. By the end of the day my outlook on life was better.

 

I miss doing things I use to. I wish I could go to the Iowa State game today. But I don't think I could make it through it. And I do wish people would make a fuss over me, I know I still have some pride issues. And I really miss seeing my kids. The reason I moved back here and I don't get to see them much.

 

Any hoot, I am sure struggling right now. I am going to try to keep walking with Him.

Four belly buttons

On September 21 a Sunday I went into the hospital again and did not get out until yesterday October 7. Reason I went in was again for my diabetic Gastroparesis. I went to the Ames hospital this time. I ended up getting a feeding tube put in my belly. Now I will have four belly buttons :-) I guess God wanted to see if I suffered well. And of course I did not do the best. I had good days and some pretty bad days. My faith again has been stretched and tested. There were days of complete despair and wondering if God has just given up on me. But I made it through it and got home yesterday. When in the hospital it is easy to just update on facebook then to try and write a blog on my phone.

 

My aunt just died from type one diabetes. And that is what I suffer from and then add on the complications. I was a part of a facebook group that was suppose to be a support page for those who struggle with diabetes. Right before going into the hospital some one posted a comment that caused many reactions. The person said diabetes is easy and basically just get over it and move on. I am paraphrasing what this person said. Diabetes is not easy for me. I am glad that this person has had an easy time at it. But there are those like me that try there hardest and still run into problems.

 

It seems I am doing every thing I can yet I still am having so many problems. Life sometimes is just a struggle. Nothing seems to come easy for me. There are Christians that make Christianity look easy. But not me. I have to bumble and struggle. A lot of bad choices in my past.

 

I am not a Christian because I think I am better than everyone else, though I did think that way years ago. I follow Christ because I know that I am not good enough and I need Jesus. Years ago my pride got in the way of a lot of things. Then I was broken to the point that I now know Gary can't do it, but Christ can. I am a Christian because I need a savior and a helper in time of distress. Without Christ I am nothing. I use to have the attitude it's my way or the high way. Not like that anymore either. It's Christ way.

 

I do keep on asking God what is my purpose. Why do I suffer so much and why did He keep me alive while doing some pretty sinful things. More will be revilved they tell me and this to shall pass. I have to keep my hope on Christ and keep looking forward. It's to easy to feel sorry for myself and just focus on me.

 

Diabetes and the Christian life is not all ways easy. And if you meet someone that claims one of them are, tell them to write a book on how they do it. They would be rich!

 

I am divorced. And there are many opinion on remarriage and I have heard them all. A few months ago I reconnected with a friend that I graduated from High School with. One of my problems I am a people pleaser and want to please everyone. But it is amazing that this amazing woman with so much purpose and talent in her life has poured out so much for me that last few weeks. She has shown Christ love to me over and over again. I have broken up with her a few times not truly knowing what the right thing is to do. But we keep on getting back together and the more I get to know her the more I see that she has Christ in her. Instead of looking back it's time to look forward. Instead of trying to please everyone, I need to please Christ. I don't know what she sees in me, but she is truly pretty cool and I feel pretty blessed that she has stuck around.

 

Well, that's all today. I am going to keep walking.....