Health update March, 25 2018

I use to update about my health on Facebook but now you will get those updates on this blog, I know lucky you.
Since I have been in Pennsylvania my health has not been that bad until recently. My health was doing so good I was able to serve at a church with the youth for a few months and I even had the chance to preach on a Sunday morning. If you know me, you know that preaching is a passion for me and that was pretty great.
Well my sermon was on trials, which I told the Lord that was a bad idea but that's what the Lord wanted to sermon to be. After I preached On October 30th of last year a week later I was in the hospital with my normal stomach issues. Things seemed to be getting better, I had to take a trip to North Dakota a few weeks later to see a dying uncle. I spent a few more weeks in Iowa to spend time with my kids and other family.
Then I got back home and that's when things, I mean everything seemed to have gone wrong. In the early part of January I had to leave my church I was serving at. Lot's of issues and the stress was to much for me. So I walked away which was pretty hard in it's self. At the end of January I started to get sick. I have been running a fever since the end of January. The doctors keep saying something is wrong but they can not figure out what is going on. Symptoms are getting worse. I am having terrible shortness of breathe which if you have ever had that it pretty much sucks. So, I now have medicine to help those symptoms but it does not seem to be helping.
It is at least my normal to go through periods of sickness. It is hard to be sick and have no answers. What drives me crazy is that I can not do anything without getting out of breathe. I can hardly talk for very long and I love to talk.
As I am sick this time I am thinking a lot about the story in the gospels of the woman who touched Jesus cloak. She had spent all her money on doctors and they could not help. She was still suffering for many years. Then came Jesus walking down the road. She knew that if she could just touch Him she would be healed. So that's what she did she touched Him and YES, she was healed. We live in a time where if we are sick then we expect the doctors to heal us. Sometimes they know something is wrong but they cannot help us. I know that true healing comes through Jesus. Yes, He can use doctors to heal us but He is the healer.
With that story we see that with great faith this lady was healed, but I also know that sometimes we are meant to suffer so we will rely on Him. In 2 Corinthians Paul had a thorn in the flesh. He asked the Lord three times to take it away, God answered him by saying, my Grace is sufficient. God's grace is sufficient to help us in our suffering. Paul continued to say that when I am weak He is strong.
In my days of sickness and weakness I don't have to count on my own lack of strength. Because I know Him who is strong when I am weak.
So you not only get a health update but you also got a sermon :-) Please pray for me as I am very short of breath and struggling very much right now. I am pretty much stuck at home which is driving me crazy.

The Gift Of Suffering

The past few months have been an extreme struggle. When you struggle with constant chronic illness it can be hard. There is times where you relieve you might not able to do what you want to do or to put it another way your dreams are crushed. You try as hard as you can to keep persusing your passion, goals and dreams but your mind tells you to go but your body says not so much.

The past year had great times for me, but then things like it seems to happen often for me didn’t go so well. I dream of being a pastor some day but the last few months I have not been able to get out of bed. I dream of finishing school but again my health has not allowed. 

I have had a fever now for two months on top of my type one diabetes it’s been a challenge. In my dark days I am filled with regret for my past and in my dark days I don’t see much hope for my future. In my dark days I feel alone as I am not with my family. 

But God! But God will make a way. It might not be the way that I thought it would be but it will be His way. I often remember in my dark days that God will never leave me nor forsake me. 

I might not be able to be what I want to be, but I can be what God wants me to be. I have come realize that maybe God wants me to suffer well. To be an example to others that no matter what happens God is still good. When good things happen we brag and say God is good. We should do that, but we should also remember what Job said, should we not just except the good and not the bad from the Lord? We should except both with a joyful heart.

I have not written in this for awhile. I know I am not the best writer but I write more for me than anyone else. 

Life has been hard for me. Some of it I caused my self and I realize that. Some of it is because of my health struggles. 

My trip continues....

My cross country trip has been very good so far! I'm dragging a little bit but my health is holding up. My feeding tube decided to fall out the other day, but I choose to keep it out since I have been able to eat. Hope that was not a bad choice :-)
Northern California is where I started my road to recovery. It was the end of my bad drinking career. Visited Hayfork where I was out of control four years ago. It is hard but it is good to go back where you acted like an idiot. Lot's of talk about my past which is uncomtarble but by the Grace of God I'm not like that anymore.
We as Christians say we believe in change but we don't always act like it. The Bible is full of stories of changed people and we to can have the same story.

I've been away from home now since the middle of May. Been trying to keep up with my podcast but it seems to be a challenge. 

Seeking the Lord right now to see what His plan is. 

Checking in...

It's been a busy few weeks! I'm out east visiting my mom and brother. It's been a great trip! I will be headed to visit my friends in California on the 12th. I have been with all the business doing my podcast which I really enjoy doing.
My health has been really good. So I'm looking forward to visiting my good friends in California.

Caring for the Sick...

Caring for the Sick

I have lived with type one diabetes since I have been 14 years old. A chronic illness that you can’t always see the outside effects of. As i have gotten older the complications have gotten worse. You do the best you can to control your diabetes and sometimes your best is not good enough. The complications overtake you and control. You are no longer able to do the things you want to do or be the person you want to be. It seems you hopes and dreams slowly slips  away and your focus is now on this stupid disease and how to stay alive. 

At first people come to your aid and they help you out. And then the days become years and people have lives and the world goes on. it goes on for them and feel like you are forgotten. You hear a lot of the same stuff as a Christian. Read your Bible more, pray more. Only if you would have more faith you would be healed. In the Christian world and non-christian  world people don’t understand there is a difference between type one diabetes and type two diabetes. They are very different! 

I think most chronically ill people struggle with depression. If you think about that would make since. Being home alone all the time. Being in the hospital all the time. Fighting for there lives off and on. Feeling a since of hopelessness is a common thing. 

Whatever the sickness is or chronic illness is it is important that we as a church show love and compassion to the hurting. Below is some tips that I have come up with over the years from my own suffering. Ways that church’s can reach out and love. This is not and exhaustive list but it’s a start. 

So how can the church help?

1. Be present! Visit the chronically person weekly.
2. Bring them some kind of food or snack if they can eat. Ask them in advance what they can eat and what there favorite food is. And don’t question them. If there diabetic and they want ice cream bring them ice cream the probably know what they are doing. 
3. Ask them if you can do a chore for them. For me the hardest thing for me to do is laundry. I had a lady at my church do all my laundry one time and it was such a blessing. 
4. Get them out of the house. Ask them if they want to get out of the house. Not to got to an appointment but just go somewhere fun. I know when I was not driving it was nice to just leave the house. 
5. Just don’t ask if you can pray for go to their house and pray for them. 
6. Listen to them! We tend to want to give advice. Sometimes sick people just want people to listen to them. 
7. Let them be part of. Being sick makes you feel worthless. So if there is some type of ministry that a person can be a part of that will help them still feel a part of your church. 
8. Just don’t send emails and Facebook messages but send letters and cards of encouragement. 
9. Chronic Ilness Sunday where the whole service is dedicated to praying for those who are sick and having the elders laying hands on those who are there on Sunday and praying for them. 

Feeling Can Lead You Wrong

Do you ever feel unimportant to people all around you or that you are living in the wrong place? I know that I am important to God and I know that for a fact. Sometimes I feel people are not willing to take a chance on me anymore. Maybe it’s because I have burned bridges from my past sins. Maybe it’s because of my chronic illness and the excuse I hear over and over is that I can’t be dependable due to the ups and ad downs of my health. I have been feeling like I have no purpose in life right. I moved back to central Iowa so I could see my kids more but again due to my health that has happened either. I have always been an idea guy and so I have tried to do ministry in different non traditional ways like doing my podcast, trying to write in my blog, reach people through social media and other different ways. Some days and those days are right now I don’t feel like I am doing much good.
Continued and long term suffering is not easy. Some people call this the dessert place and for me it’s almost been three years. I am getting very tired and weary. I feel stuck in place that I feel that I don’t belong and I grew up here. Old friends won’t have anything to do with me and new ones are hard to make.
The Bible tells us to wait on the Lord. And that is the hardest part. And that is what I need to do. Is it easy, not at all but obeying the Lord is the best thing I can do today. One thing the Bible teaches me see I can’t go by feeling! I feel like a huge looser and no one cares or loves me today, but I know that the Bible says even if that was true that God loves me and cares for me. The truth is people do care and love they are just not acting like I think they should. 

So I am going to probably keep feeling a little lousy today but a little less lousy since I just reminded myself my feeling are wrong and the the Truth of God’s Word is right!

Hear I am Send Me...

Sometimes I start to write a post in my blog and a go blank. Blogging has given guys like me a chance to write. I am in no shape or form a great writer just go ask any of my english teachers i have ever had. The great wide word web have given people like me the chance to do things like write and other things people thought we might never thought we would ever do. Another thing I get to do is I get to do a podcast. Maybe another thing I am not very good at but hey I try. I get to podcast something that I am good at, proclaiming the gospel of Jesus Christ. I might not be well enough to be a pastor at this time in my life or to travel and preach what I can do is use my podcast to preach the Word. 

When we read the Bible God does not always call the most qualified but He calls those that He knows that will get the job done. Sometimes they dont even want the job like Moes but Moes finally listened to God. So God does not want us to say but God I can’t write or I can’t preach. He want us to say Hear I am send me! 

Rough health week

The last week or so I have been struggling with my stomach. I have been throwing up the last couple of days and having lots of pain. Getting in to see a doctor has been not happening! I call my stomach doctor he tells me to call my regular Doctor then I call her and she tells me me to call my stomach doctor then I couldn't get in to see him until today. So I had to go to the ER yesterday which was some help but I am throwing up again. Good thing I see my stomach Doctor at noon today! I sometimes the doctors don't listen to me and just keep letting me be sick it's so frustrating! For some reason I am nervous about going to the doctor today. I am afraid he will not listen to me or believe me that I am suffering so much. I feel like he doesn't sometimes. It's been a really rough health week for me. 

Trust in the Lord

Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding.

If you think about it that's one of the most profound verses in the Bible. What do we want to do when a problem comes our way? We want to fix it! If we are sick we want a pill to cure us. But life is not always that easy. The Bible has the solution. Is it always easy to trust in the Lord? No, but it's what we need to do. I think the hardest thing for me some days is the waiting on the Lord. I don't know about you but waiting is hard for me and I have been sick for awhile now. But I need to continue to trust that God knows what He He is doing.

My mom is a good teacher in trusting in the Lord. The last couple of weeks so has had some pretty serious health issues and through it all she has had that peace that surpasses understanding. We all have people in our lives that can teach us to be more like Christ!

Its been a rough week

It's been a really rough couple of weeks for me. Last week I was in the hospital and that's never fun. This week was been an emotional roller coaster! I have been fighting a lot of depression and some urges of wanting to drink. Thank God I didn't give into that! This week my feeding tube site also got infected! Not the best week! I am staying in my Bible and praying which is a good thing since if I wasn't I would be in big trouble! It's just been a really hard week!

Good health!!

The last few days have been great health days. I am still trying to get use to this new found good health. I am still falling asleep way to early and getting up WAY to early! I got off some pain meds that were making me pretty numb. Now I am more awake in my brain. Now I am struggling with loneliness. When I was so drugged out I did not care now I am struggling with loneliness again. Missing my kids a lot. I am still staying in the word every day. Got slack with my 90 day reading plan while getting ready for teaching the book of Joel this past Sunday. But I was still in the Word. But I am back on tract today. Loneliness really gets me, I hate it! I hate being separated from my family. But I did it to myself. When I was so drugged up I did not care now my feelings are back and I care, I can feel again. Those meds really messed me up! My days are LONG and I am a people person. So now it's back to focusing on God! He is preparing me for something, I don't know what and I hope it's to start preaching soon :-) But I am going to keep doing my podcast!

I am going to keep walking...

Feeling like giving up!

The pain continues to be so bad I just don't know what to do anymore! The feeling of giving up is so strong. I am just so tired of being hungry all the time and in pain. The pull of just taking a bunch of anxiety pills has been strong the last couple of days. 

Then I guess I guess I had a pity party at church yesterday, yes I had a pity party. I am told to do outreach but the new budget came out and they didn't even meet me in the middle with money to work with. 

My emotions are pretty raw right now doing a lot of crying! 

I know I can't give up but it's getting hard! I am back to reading the bible in 90 days again. Trying to bath myself with scripture. Not doing it for any glory but to become more like Jesus! 

There has to be a reason for this trial, for this valley. Right now it doesn't seem like I am ever going to get through this. 

Oh God give me some Hope during this storm!

Terrible Pain

The pain in my legs and feet have been so bad yesterday and today. It's almost unbearable! I had physical therapy yesterday and it flared up the pain. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like my doctors are listening to me. I feel like throwing in the towel! Just giving up but I don't know what that means either! I am just so tired of this terrible pain all the time day in and day out! Oh God hear my cry!!!

Resting in Him

That deep depression that just does not go away. I have this pain in my heart that keeps hurting and I don’t know why. I am reading my Bible and praying and I am reaching out and I am still depressed. I feel like I am in this pit and I can’t get out. I guess I am tired of being alone all the time. Being sick and alone. I have my hope in Jesus so why am I depressed? I guess many Christians who struggle with depression ask that question. I have been diagnosed with bipolar and sometimes it gets hard. I take my meds when I am should but it is a battle. Somedays I feel like giving up, but I know that I can’t.

I have learned through the past few years feels come and go but I don’t have to act on them. That’s why I need to know the Truth of God’s Word. His Truth never changes! Even if I don’t feel like it, it’s true! The more I can read His Word the better I am when I get when I get depressed. It’s o.k to be down but it’s not o.k. to have bad actions when I am down. I can cry and cry out to the Lord, that is o.k. He cares and listens when I cry out. But my old ways of dealing with things are not o.k.

When David was struggling he wrote a Psalm. We can see through his writings he struggled with depression. There is something about writing and writing to God that helps us out. My heart might be down cast right now but my love for Jesus never fades! During the last few days I have been reading the Bible more and praying and crying out to Jesus. He hears me and loves me! I just want Him to take away my sickness and pain, but for some reason God sees fit to have me in this situation. It’s hard, but when I am weak He is strong! Today I am going to rest in Him!

Trust in God no matter what

I have been in a deep depression for a few days. I am reading my bible, praying and reaching out to others and yet I am still depressed. I'm also struggling with being lonely. 

I use to react negatively when I was depressed by drinking or other sinful actions. I try to seek after my savior. Sometimes my depression last a few hours but it's but a long time it has lasted this long. It's easy to feed into it and focus on the negative. Instead of how far I have grown I start going back to the past, my past sins. 

Even in the bible guys struggled with depression just read the Psalms. David had to have struggled with it, but he kept pressing on. I think we forget sometimes that the men and women of the bible were just human like us. They served the same God we serve. 

God never changes we do. In my darkest days like today I need to remember that! I don't understand why I am going through all of this pain and suffering but God does! 

My prayer tonight is that I trust in God who knows all things. Trust in God who is in control and who loves me so very much! To keep on keeping on no matter what!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness! We like it when others and God gives it to us, but we often have a hard time forgiven others! Or we say I will forgive but will never forget, but God forgets our sins and remembers no more. We put conditions on forgiveness but God doesn't. If we are to be like Christ then we must forgive like Christ! 

Do you ever read what people post on Facebook and think whatever. The person posted something that goes against what they did to you or how they are treating you. I wondering how that is how God feels about us sometimes. He says He loves me but he is not acting like it!

We all need to forgive like Jesus and to live like Him. One day at a time! 

Gods Word not Feelings...

For me the last couple of days is good example of way I need to know what the bible says. That is the the Truth. When my my feelings go crazy like they sure did I can go back to to Truth!. That's why I can't go by my feelings but hold on to the word of God! I don't always feel like a Christian but the bible says I am always His. Feeling will come and go but Gods word will last forever!

Mixed emotions

Today I have mixed emotions! I have joy because Christmas is sure a day of joy! I have sadness because I am not with my kids today. My heart is heavy as tears run down my face. 

I also sit hear and wonder what more I can be doing for God. My hearts desire is to do more but my health keeps me from doing what I really want to do, preach and teach. I sometimes wonder if I am reaching anyone with my podcast. But God knows my heart desires. 

Going to try to write more

One thing I am going to try to do is write more in this blog. I don't know why I have slacked from writing. This year 2015 has been a year of sickness, pain and growth! God is doing a work in me through all the sickness I have been going through. Sometimes it's easy to lose hope, but I try to keep my eyes on Jesus!

Christmas joy and pain

There is a reason why God hates divorce. It pulls families apart. Marriage is supposed to be for life. I see the effects that my divorce and my parents divorce has on my life. Especially during holidays. I relive I caused my divorce by my sins. But it still hurts. Since my divorce I haven't had my kids on Christmas Day. I just had them for two days and it went by fast. I was not having good health day's while they were here and had to go to bed early every night. 

We tried to include my dad today with my mom and the kids and that blew up in my face. My blood sugars have been high all day today I think because of stress. 

During the holidays I often feel like a second class citizen when it comes to my kids. I only get them if it works for my ex wife. I am thankful for the time I had but it was only two days. 

With my bad health I try to be more easygoing. And with my bad health I am more emotional. 

It amazes me that my kids still love me! It's been a hard year for me. I guess I am sad tonight. Sad that I only got two days with the kids, sad that who knows when I will see them again, sad that my sin had caused all of this, sad because I am so sick and there seems to be no hope in sight, I guess I am just sad. 

This isn't a very positive post for Christmas Eve. Gods plan for marriage is forever. And there is a reason for that. During holidays I hurt more. And I have caused my own pain. 

As I write about my pain and sickness I know what the word of God says. I know I am forgiven by God! I know that for a fact. One of the hardest things is we as humans sometimes don't forgive ourselves or others. 

Days like these are the hardest as my mom dropped my kids off and me not knowing when I will see the kids again. I have been doing a lot of crying today. 

Tonight I feel like giving up. My health is causing me lots of pain! Tonight I have been asking God what's the point!

When I get like this I need to cry out to the one who understands Jesus! This Christmas had brought me joy and pain. Something many people will understand.