Christmas joy and pain

There is a reason why God hates divorce. It pulls families apart. Marriage is supposed to be for life. I see the effects that my divorce and my parents divorce has on my life. Especially during holidays. I relive I caused my divorce by my sins. But it still hurts. Since my divorce I haven't had my kids on Christmas Day. I just had them for two days and it went by fast. I was not having good health day's while they were here and had to go to bed early every night. 

We tried to include my dad today with my mom and the kids and that blew up in my face. My blood sugars have been high all day today I think because of stress. 

During the holidays I often feel like a second class citizen when it comes to my kids. I only get them if it works for my ex wife. I am thankful for the time I had but it was only two days. 

With my bad health I try to be more easygoing. And with my bad health I am more emotional. 

It amazes me that my kids still love me! It's been a hard year for me. I guess I am sad tonight. Sad that I only got two days with the kids, sad that who knows when I will see them again, sad that my sin had caused all of this, sad because I am so sick and there seems to be no hope in sight, I guess I am just sad. 

This isn't a very positive post for Christmas Eve. Gods plan for marriage is forever. And there is a reason for that. During holidays I hurt more. And I have caused my own pain. 

As I write about my pain and sickness I know what the word of God says. I know I am forgiven by God! I know that for a fact. One of the hardest things is we as humans sometimes don't forgive ourselves or others. 

Days like these are the hardest as my mom dropped my kids off and me not knowing when I will see the kids again. I have been doing a lot of crying today. 

Tonight I feel like giving up. My health is causing me lots of pain! Tonight I have been asking God what's the point!

When I get like this I need to cry out to the one who understands Jesus! This Christmas had brought me joy and pain. Something many people will understand.