A Day of Doc Appointments....

Trying to stay positive. That seems to be every bodies answer to my struggles the last few days. My depression has been hitting me pretty hard all weekend. I try daily to suffer well and to stay positive. I have been feeling like God's wiping boy these days. My health just seems to not give up and feeling better is a day to day thing. One day I am feeling o.k. and the next I am not. Being sick and going in and out of the hospital is not new to me, it's been my life pretty much my whole life. So what happens if "this to shall pass" never passes. My faith has been shaken this time around. The question I struggle with is how can I do any good being as sick as I am. It seems that I can't catch a break. A never ending and on going sickness that seems that will not get any better.

 

Had two  Doctor appointments today. Saw my stomach doc and he said in about three weeks they are going to put a better tube in my stomach. Not sure what's wrong with the one I have, but I guess it's better. My blood sugar is finally doing a little better. Having high blood sugars cause my emotions to go crazy. God allows what He allows and some days that just drives me crazy. I wish I would know the reason for all this.

 

I am going to try and keep walking....

 

Peaches for a cure

tools of the trade

Tool of the trade these days. The above picture I have my trustee insulin pump and behind me is my friend Beaker :-) Then I am using a cane now just because of my weakness and I am still unsteady on my feet. And of course my new feeding tube.

Below is my blood sugar meteor and all the pills I take. I could star my on pharmacy these days.

 When I am weak HE is strong! Good thing this is true!

Having a rough go at it!

Up early this morning. Not really by choice. I have to sleep in the lazy boy in our living room. While the feedings are going I can't sleep laying down. So I get woken up when dad gets ready for work. Which is not a bad thing I get to talk to him before he goes to work. One thing I have learned through all of this is don't take your family for granted, you never know when the last time it is you will see them.

 

Yesterday was an up and down day. The last few nights my blood sugars have been high which mess's with my emotions. I try my hardest to suffer well, but some days I don't that is for sure. Everything was just getting to me. Sometimes I wish I had cancer because at least there would be an end game. You either get cancer free or you die. Not saying I want to die, it's just with this chronic disease I struggle with seems to never stop. It never gives in and never gives up. I wander what is going to happen next. I have a feeding tube which I have had one before. But what is next for me. Having type one diabetes as an adult is so hard. It was hard as a kid but It has gotten harder.

 

So I started the day yesterday feeling pretty hopeless and just plain wanting to give up. I did what I have been thought and started calling people. My Pastor stopped by and that was good and then I went to an aa meeting. By the end of the day my outlook on life was better.

 

I miss doing things I use to. I wish I could go to the Iowa State game today. But I don't think I could make it through it. And I do wish people would make a fuss over me, I know I still have some pride issues. And I really miss seeing my kids. The reason I moved back here and I don't get to see them much.

 

Any hoot, I am sure struggling right now. I am going to try to keep walking with Him.

Four belly buttons

On September 21 a Sunday I went into the hospital again and did not get out until yesterday October 7. Reason I went in was again for my diabetic Gastroparesis. I went to the Ames hospital this time. I ended up getting a feeding tube put in my belly. Now I will have four belly buttons :-) I guess God wanted to see if I suffered well. And of course I did not do the best. I had good days and some pretty bad days. My faith again has been stretched and tested. There were days of complete despair and wondering if God has just given up on me. But I made it through it and got home yesterday. When in the hospital it is easy to just update on facebook then to try and write a blog on my phone.

 

My aunt just died from type one diabetes. And that is what I suffer from and then add on the complications. I was a part of a facebook group that was suppose to be a support page for those who struggle with diabetes. Right before going into the hospital some one posted a comment that caused many reactions. The person said diabetes is easy and basically just get over it and move on. I am paraphrasing what this person said. Diabetes is not easy for me. I am glad that this person has had an easy time at it. But there are those like me that try there hardest and still run into problems.

 

It seems I am doing every thing I can yet I still am having so many problems. Life sometimes is just a struggle. Nothing seems to come easy for me. There are Christians that make Christianity look easy. But not me. I have to bumble and struggle. A lot of bad choices in my past.

 

I am not a Christian because I think I am better than everyone else, though I did think that way years ago. I follow Christ because I know that I am not good enough and I need Jesus. Years ago my pride got in the way of a lot of things. Then I was broken to the point that I now know Gary can't do it, but Christ can. I am a Christian because I need a savior and a helper in time of distress. Without Christ I am nothing. I use to have the attitude it's my way or the high way. Not like that anymore either. It's Christ way.

 

I do keep on asking God what is my purpose. Why do I suffer so much and why did He keep me alive while doing some pretty sinful things. More will be revilved they tell me and this to shall pass. I have to keep my hope on Christ and keep looking forward. It's to easy to feel sorry for myself and just focus on me.

 

Diabetes and the Christian life is not all ways easy. And if you meet someone that claims one of them are, tell them to write a book on how they do it. They would be rich!

 

I am divorced. And there are many opinion on remarriage and I have heard them all. A few months ago I reconnected with a friend that I graduated from High School with. One of my problems I am a people pleaser and want to please everyone. But it is amazing that this amazing woman with so much purpose and talent in her life has poured out so much for me that last few weeks. She has shown Christ love to me over and over again. I have broken up with her a few times not truly knowing what the right thing is to do. But we keep on getting back together and the more I get to know her the more I see that she has Christ in her. Instead of looking back it's time to look forward. Instead of trying to please everyone, I need to please Christ. I don't know what she sees in me, but she is truly pretty cool and I feel pretty blessed that she has stuck around.

 

Well, that's all today. I am going to keep walking.....

Here we go again

In the hospital again. In Ames this time. Getting great care so far. Stomach just not wanting to work. Been in here since Sunday. If my stomach does not start working they might have to put a feeding tube back in. It's sure a struggle!

Frustrated

I am growing weary of my continued sickness. My heart feels like I have been abandoned by God and His people. Just read the first two chapters of Job and read 2 Corinthians 12 about Paul's thorn in the flesh. I realize that today I am not suffering well and my faith is weak. I see no light at the end if the tunnel. My attitude has and is poor. I see my stomach doctor tomorrow and feel like there is no point. I don't feel like he listens to me.
But today right now my prayer is that God will help me change my attitude. That today I will be more like Job and Paul. I need to cling to Him.
I see two doctors this week my stomach doctor and the blood/cancer doctor. Please pray that my stomach doc listens and that with the other doc that I will get some clear answers.
I am going to keep walking today.