Resting in Him

That deep depression that just does not go away. I have this pain in my heart that keeps hurting and I don’t know why. I am reading my Bible and praying and I am reaching out and I am still depressed. I feel like I am in this pit and I can’t get out. I guess I am tired of being alone all the time. Being sick and alone. I have my hope in Jesus so why am I depressed? I guess many Christians who struggle with depression ask that question. I have been diagnosed with bipolar and sometimes it gets hard. I take my meds when I am should but it is a battle. Somedays I feel like giving up, but I know that I can’t.

I have learned through the past few years feels come and go but I don’t have to act on them. That’s why I need to know the Truth of God’s Word. His Truth never changes! Even if I don’t feel like it, it’s true! The more I can read His Word the better I am when I get when I get depressed. It’s o.k to be down but it’s not o.k. to have bad actions when I am down. I can cry and cry out to the Lord, that is o.k. He cares and listens when I cry out. But my old ways of dealing with things are not o.k.

When David was struggling he wrote a Psalm. We can see through his writings he struggled with depression. There is something about writing and writing to God that helps us out. My heart might be down cast right now but my love for Jesus never fades! During the last few days I have been reading the Bible more and praying and crying out to Jesus. He hears me and loves me! I just want Him to take away my sickness and pain, but for some reason God sees fit to have me in this situation. It’s hard, but when I am weak He is strong! Today I am going to rest in Him!

Trust in God no matter what

I have been in a deep depression for a few days. I am reading my bible, praying and reaching out to others and yet I am still depressed. I'm also struggling with being lonely. 

I use to react negatively when I was depressed by drinking or other sinful actions. I try to seek after my savior. Sometimes my depression last a few hours but it's but a long time it has lasted this long. It's easy to feed into it and focus on the negative. Instead of how far I have grown I start going back to the past, my past sins. 

Even in the bible guys struggled with depression just read the Psalms. David had to have struggled with it, but he kept pressing on. I think we forget sometimes that the men and women of the bible were just human like us. They served the same God we serve. 

God never changes we do. In my darkest days like today I need to remember that! I don't understand why I am going through all of this pain and suffering but God does! 

My prayer tonight is that I trust in God who knows all things. Trust in God who is in control and who loves me so very much! To keep on keeping on no matter what!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness! We like it when others and God gives it to us, but we often have a hard time forgiven others! Or we say I will forgive but will never forget, but God forgets our sins and remembers no more. We put conditions on forgiveness but God doesn't. If we are to be like Christ then we must forgive like Christ! 

Do you ever read what people post on Facebook and think whatever. The person posted something that goes against what they did to you or how they are treating you. I wondering how that is how God feels about us sometimes. He says He loves me but he is not acting like it!

We all need to forgive like Jesus and to live like Him. One day at a time! 

Gods Word not Feelings...

For me the last couple of days is good example of way I need to know what the bible says. That is the the Truth. When my my feelings go crazy like they sure did I can go back to to Truth!. That's why I can't go by my feelings but hold on to the word of God! I don't always feel like a Christian but the bible says I am always His. Feeling will come and go but Gods word will last forever!

Mixed emotions

Today I have mixed emotions! I have joy because Christmas is sure a day of joy! I have sadness because I am not with my kids today. My heart is heavy as tears run down my face. 

I also sit hear and wonder what more I can be doing for God. My hearts desire is to do more but my health keeps me from doing what I really want to do, preach and teach. I sometimes wonder if I am reaching anyone with my podcast. But God knows my heart desires. 

Going to try to write more

One thing I am going to try to do is write more in this blog. I don't know why I have slacked from writing. This year 2015 has been a year of sickness, pain and growth! God is doing a work in me through all the sickness I have been going through. Sometimes it's easy to lose hope, but I try to keep my eyes on Jesus!

Christmas joy and pain

There is a reason why God hates divorce. It pulls families apart. Marriage is supposed to be for life. I see the effects that my divorce and my parents divorce has on my life. Especially during holidays. I relive I caused my divorce by my sins. But it still hurts. Since my divorce I haven't had my kids on Christmas Day. I just had them for two days and it went by fast. I was not having good health day's while they were here and had to go to bed early every night. 

We tried to include my dad today with my mom and the kids and that blew up in my face. My blood sugars have been high all day today I think because of stress. 

During the holidays I often feel like a second class citizen when it comes to my kids. I only get them if it works for my ex wife. I am thankful for the time I had but it was only two days. 

With my bad health I try to be more easygoing. And with my bad health I am more emotional. 

It amazes me that my kids still love me! It's been a hard year for me. I guess I am sad tonight. Sad that I only got two days with the kids, sad that who knows when I will see them again, sad that my sin had caused all of this, sad because I am so sick and there seems to be no hope in sight, I guess I am just sad. 

This isn't a very positive post for Christmas Eve. Gods plan for marriage is forever. And there is a reason for that. During holidays I hurt more. And I have caused my own pain. 

As I write about my pain and sickness I know what the word of God says. I know I am forgiven by God! I know that for a fact. One of the hardest things is we as humans sometimes don't forgive ourselves or others. 

Days like these are the hardest as my mom dropped my kids off and me not knowing when I will see the kids again. I have been doing a lot of crying today. 

Tonight I feel like giving up. My health is causing me lots of pain! Tonight I have been asking God what's the point!

When I get like this I need to cry out to the one who understands Jesus! This Christmas had brought me joy and pain. Something many people will understand.