Struggle with addiction

Just because someone struggles with an addiction does not make them unsaved! Sometimes we tend to think if someone struggles with a "big sin" they must not be saved! So when someone dies that is in there addiction some may think that they are not in heaven.

If what Paul wrights in Ephesians is true, that it is by Grace you have been saved! Not by anything we have done. Then a person who struggles with an addiction can be saved. If it is not true, then none of us are saved, to God sin is sin.

It seems so easy to judge others and make judgments about there walk with God. I have been guilty of this many times in my life. The truth is that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. And when we make judgments about others faith, are we playing God?

Reminds me of a story that Jesus told. About the Pharisee and tax collector. The Pharisee thanked God that he was not like that evil tax collector and was counting on his salvation trough his works. Then the tax collector pleaded with God and knew that he was a sinner.

Which one are we today. I would rather be the tax collector, but sometimes I am like the Pharisee looking down on others thinking that there is no way that they know Jesus! Yes we are to be different has Christians, but I believe that once you give your life to Christ you are His. That is not a license to sin, but if we are honest no of us live up to what Christ calls us to be.

Peter is another person that failed but was forgiven by Christ Himself. Peter denied Christ three times! But Jesus resorted him and He was a big part of the first church.

I struggled with addiction for years, but I was still saved! I was not walking with Him as I should of, but I was still His. Addiction is a difficult thing to deal with while being a Christian. Addiction is one of those areas that people really don't understand so therefore it is judged as a moral failure. Is it a moral failure? I guess it's all how you look at addiction. But is it a more evil sin or failure than others, I don't think so.

God gives me Grace and His Grace is available to all. If God is perfect and is willing to give me grace, shouldn't I give Grace freely?

Today I am going to keep walking....

Loneliness

Loneliness, loneliness, loneliness is my biggest struggle! I try to keep busy but some weeks like this can be rough. Its been had being back to central Iowa. Its hard when I don't work and my health is all ways a struggle. Tonight I am really struggling, nights like this I wish I never left California. I had very little alone time. And I love being around people. Just struggling but as they say this to shall pass.

A lesson from Hosea....

Don't really know why but yesterday I read the book of Hosea. What an interesting book of the Bible. God used Hosea as an example of His love for His people. He instructed Hosea to marry Gomer who was a prostate. And like Israel she was not faithful.

Hosea Redeems His Wife

3 And the Lord said to me, ^(A)“Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods and love cakes of raisins.” ² So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and a ^(B)homer and a lethech^[a] of barley. ³ And I said to her, “You must ^(C)dwell as mine for many days. You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you.” ⁴ For the children of Israel ^(D)shall dwell many days ^(E)without king or prince, ^(F)without sacrifice or ^(G)pillar, without ^(H)ephod or ^(I)household gods. ⁵ Afterward ^(J)the children of Israel shall return and ^(K)seek the Lord their God, and ^(L)David their king, ^(M)and they shall come in fear to the Lord and to his goodness in the ^(N)latter days.

 

We see here in Hosea Chapter three that the Lord told him to go again and love Gomer. Hosea went and bought her. This is a great picture. Even though she was not faithful to him. God told Hosea to go and get her. Today he probably would just have divorced her. And he could of rejected what God told him to do. But he obeyed the Lord. God used Hosea and Gomer as an example of His love for His people. Even though they were not faithful to Him, He still loved them.

 

God has patience for His people. Here he is talking about the Jews. But we can apply this to our lives as Christians. How many times have we been unfaithful to God and yet He still loves us and wants us to come back to Him.

 

Then I start thinking about my life. And how I sit here today as a divorced man. When we get divorced many times we try to justify it. And yes, my ex-wife had "Biblical" reasons to divorce me. But as I read the story above it makes me think that maybe divorce is never really the answer. I am still mourning over the lost of my marriage. Which I single handley destroyed. I have all so done a lot of acting out as an excuse to not deal with the pain of it all. And if I would of turned from my sin earlier than the divorce would not have happened.

 

In Matthew 18 before He gave the divorce clause He said this V.8 He said to them, Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was snot so."

 

While going through the divorce I was told by some that it was God's will for us to get divorced. Yeah, not sure if it is ever God's will for anyone to get divorced since God hates divorce. And now I know some of the reasons He does hate divorce. It breaks up a family. And it affects a lot of other people. I am trying to get passed the past. But the last couple of weeks I have been really hurting and having the what if's and all that fun stuff.

 

I don't know if I am making any sense today. And I do take responsibility for my actions. But even if it is my fault, it still hurts. With being divorced and all my struggles with type one diabetes I wonder sometimes what God's purpose is for me. I sure did a good job at destroying parts of my life. And the sickness keeps me from doing things that I would like to do.

 

Hope all of this makes sense. A verse comes to mind that is used out of context all the time. It is used for sports and other things. But I think this needs to be one of my new verses I hold on to. Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

And I know that God can restore. And I pray that God helps me through all of this pain.

 

I am going to keep walking.....

My dog story

Everybody likes a good dog story don't we? Well, we have a German Shepard that is ten or eleven months old. This morning about 5am she was in her kennel. Dad had all ready left for work in Des Moines and I had gotten up and fallen back to sleep in my lazy boy. So all of a sudden I heard Revea our dog freak out and break out of her kennel. So I did not think any thing of it, but when I finally woke up I noticed that she was hurt. Could not figure out what was wrong, expect she was limping with both of her back legs. So, like any good dog owner I took her to the vet. I was thinking the worst. And I am pretty attached to that stupid dog that drives me crazy! I could not believe how worried I was about her. So they did x-rays and blood test. I guess she has a bad sore on one of her back paws. They think the little rug thing we have in the kennel must of brushed against it and hurt her and she freaked out. I even went to the church to have him pray for my dog. Something I thought I would never do! And she is o.k. except for her sore. I can tell it is not feeling well since she is just laying down all day and not running and barking through the house. Or chewing everything in sight.

This whole thing this morning shows me that God cares even about the little things in life. If God can help a dog out, I am sure He cares much more about me. I tend to worry a lot about the future. Jesus said do not worry about tomorrow. And that God even cares for the sparrow. I serve an amazing God. Sometimes I get frustrated because He is not working in my timing. Like right now this second. He hears my prayers, He knows my hearts, He knows the brokenness, and He sure does care. I just need to be reminded sometimes that He is God and I am not.

I am going to keep walking....

Is God's grace enough?

Is God's Grace enough? We say it is with our lips, but do we really believe it in our heart of hearts. If you have read my blog for awhile it's clear that I have had times in my life that I have fallen on my face. I surprised a lot of people in 2006 when it came out that I had a problem with alcohol. At that moment I lost a big part of me. I was living for the God of ministry. I thought that was what I was suppose to do. That a true fired up Christian should be in ministry. Well, I burned my self out because I did not have a tight relationship with my savior. 2006 started a big process for me. I was sober, than I was not, sober, than not. That continued for a few years. I lost a marriage because of actions that I did while I was drunk. I have lost great relationships because of my continued drinking.

Finally through God's grace I have stopped drinking. I try to walk as Jesus did, but I do full short. I have noticed that there are some who are Jesus followers that have a hard time showing me grace. In one way I don't blame them. I did do some horrible things. But, Christ has forgiven me. So His grace is enough to forgive me of all my sins. His Grace is enough.

His grace should be enough to help us forgive others of there sins. His Grace and forgiveness is for all people. I have not all ways been that graceful to others. What I have walked through as showed me to not only receive God's grace in my own life, but to give grace to others. Even to those who don't show me grace. Which is a hard one!

We tend to cheapen God's grace, His Love, And even his forgiveness. There is nothing I can do or not do to loose that grace from Jesus Christ!

So, is Gods grace enough?

Telling others about Jesus!

When I received Christ as savior at the age of 7, I was pretty excited. I use to tell everyone I knew about Jesus. I remember being on the school bus in 6th grade. I was telling a friend that Jesus was the only way, the bus driver rebuked me in his gruff way. It did not stop me I just made sure he did not hear me so I sat closer to the back of the bus. That fire for telling others about Jesus continued until about my senior year of High School. I was not as bold that year, part of the reason I was pretty sick. Then after High School I worked for Boone Biblical Ministries where I could use my gift of Evangelism. I was on the radio and we did a youth ministry out reach.

While in Bible College I got that fire back to tell others about Jesus. While working as a youth pastor that was my favorite part, seeing teens coming to Christ. Now since I started drinking my desire to have that gift has faded. When you are living in sin and not following Christ you don't want to tell others about your faith. The last ten years I have had points of sobriety and would run VBS's and was able to lead kids to the Lord. Since I have been sober this time around it has been like learning how to live the Christian life all over again. I and maybe others feel that if I am not the perfect Christian I should not tell others about Jesus.

What I am learning is that is wrong thinking. People want you to be real. Not acting supper spiritual but being real. A real Christian does struggle with sin, but does not stay in it. A real Christian deals with his sin and if he falls again gets back up and keeps on going. I think we have done a real unjusist to grace when we try to act like we are perfect! I am no perfect nor will I ever be, but I strive to be more like Jesus Christ!

When I tell people that they need Jesus it's not to judge them. It's that He has done so much in my life that I want others to experience. The last few days I have been feeling the Lord pushing me to be more open about my faith. I don't know what that looks like but I need to be willing and ready to give the hope that is within me!

I have been asked why am I so open about my past. And I say that if my past can help others then I will be open. I have been a Christian for a long time, but I have fallen into sin many times. I have fallen short of the glory of God. But God can restore. Sometimes it seems like that restoring takes forever. And I am still in the midst of being restored. I can still share the hope of Jesus with others as I am being shape and formed. I am all ways going to be shaped and formed by God, it's a lifetime kind of thing.

If God has gifted me in an area, I better do what He has gifted me in. People need all of us to be more bold. Not just those that are Evangelist.

Here is a simple plan of Salvation below. It's called the Romans Road.

A GREAT weekend!!!

What a great weekend that I had with my kids! Saturday was Joel's 11th birthday and my dad and I went up to celebrate with him. We brought Revea our dog with us and they both loved it. Then yesterday Joel and Michele got baptized in Platteville! Baptism is such a great step in our faith! They are proclaiming to the world that they are followers of Jesus! There mom get's all the credit for how great they are doing. And the church they are in! There mom is making sure that they know Christ and that they know how to follow them. I am so grateful for Regan and the Platteville Free Methodist Church!

I was told by my doctor that I could not travel that far by myself, so I am trying a new thing and listening to my doctor. That's why dad took me on Saturday and my pastor and his wife took me yesterday and I had such a great time with them!

I feel like I have lost some ground in my spiritual growth the last few months. But again, trying a new thing and trying to be under the authority of my leadership at church. If I listened to them early I would not have lost some ground. But, I am trying to daily do the right thing and be more like Jesus.

I am going to keep walking....

The Lord's prayer

Did you know that the Lord's prayer is a model of how to pray. It was not really intend for us to half heartedly pray it after a service or something. You know what I mean, it sounds like a mumble instead of a prayer. It's fine if you pray it but let me show you what I am talking about.

Number 1: Matt. 6:9 This is how we should pray: Our Father in Heaven.

Number 2: Pray for daily needs. Matt. 6:11 Give us today our daily bread.

Number 3: We should daily pray for the forgiveness of our sins. Matt. 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.

Keep walking.....

The Lord's discipline

Certain words stay with you when someone says them to you. It's hard to get them out of your head. Remember that saying, "Stick and stones may brake my bones, but words will never hurt me". What a load of crap! I think it's easier to heal from those stick and stones then it is to heal from words. Even when I forgive a person for saying something hurtful it's still hard to get the words out of my head. I have said hurtful things to people that I am sure still hurts them. I am slowly learning to be careful of what I say. The key word hear is slowly.

Actions is another thing that can hang on to us. Actions of others or actions that we did. I have caused so much heart from my years of drinking, caused so much brokenness and I wish I could just fix it all. Wave a magic wand and everything will be o.k. But as most of us know that is not how it works.

When I come to God and repent and ask forgiveness of my sins He forgives me. It says in the Bible that He even forgets that sin. To repent means to turn away, not to do it again. That is one thing I am working on these days. To truly repent and to truly stop doing the sinful things I have been doing.

Here for me is a sad fact. Some of my broken relationships will never be restored. No matter how much I ask for forgives and truly repent some people will never forgive me for what I have done. Relationship are important to me, so this is a hard fact for me to swallow.

The end of my mirage is all so a hard one. When I got divorced and going through that process the fall out from that has been great. A lot of people have been affected by this. My kids have got the blunt of it. Any attempt for me to try to restore that relationship my ex wife likes to remind me that we are divorced based on Biblical issues. Which I guess it makes it all o.k. If I am honest I am still hurting deeply from how that all went down. It felt me at the time and I still feel this way it was like she was looking for a reason to divorce me. Now I admit I did sin against her in so many ways. But when I hear her tell me this kind of stuff I all ways wonder about forgiveness.

I use to be reminded often by a Pastor and one time good friend that I am living the consequences of my sins. And that is true. I am living in that right now.

But after saying all of this, there is hope in the Lord. He can and will restore me to where He wants me to be as long as I am willing to follow Him. I fall many times, but I need to keep on keeping on. Even though it's hard being disciplined by the Lord, it's a good sign that I am His son.

I don't know what God has planned for me. I am guessing it's not the next Billy Graham as I imagined years ago. But I am going to keep pressing on.

In Hebrews 12 the writer talks about being disciplined by God. Some times we try to give out the discipline and I think some times that is needed and some times not. The last couple of weeks the Holy Spirit had been convicting me of a sin that I was in. I fell into depression because I was not listing to Him. For me sometimes that's what I need. The Holy Spirit to convict than wake me up with either going through something or maybe by someone else.

Do Not Grow Weary

Hebrews 12

^3 (H)Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or ^(I)fainthearted. ⁴ In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. ⁵ And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

^(J)“My son, ^(K)do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
    nor be weary when reproved by him.
⁶ For ^(L)the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
    and chastises every son whom he receives.”

⁷ It is for discipline that you have to endure. ^(M)God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? ⁸ If you are left without discipline, ^(N)in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. ⁹ Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to ^(O)the Father of spirits ^(P)and live? ¹⁰ For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, ^(Q)that we may share his holiness. ^11 (R)For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields ^(S)the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

¹² Therefore ^(T)lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, ¹³ and ^(U)make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint ^(V)but rather be healed. ^14 (W)Strive for peace with everyone, and for the ^(X)holiness ^(Y)without which no one will see the Lord. ¹⁵ See to it that no one ^(Z)fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ^(AA)“root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; ¹⁶ that no one is ^(AB)sexually immoral or unholy like Esau, who sold his birthright for a single meal. ¹⁷ For you know that ^(AC)afterward, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no chance to repent, though he sought it with tears.

Depression an unfriendly foe

Depression is an unfriendly foe. It comes in waves and tries to stay. It wants to keep me down. Fills my head with thoughts that I would be better off dead. It goes away for awhile but it seems to never stay away. It wants to take away my hope and keep it away.
But I need to focus more on Him. Remember David who kept going in and out of the pit. Remember Elijah who seemed to all so struggle with depression.
He is my hope and stay! May I remember Him when depression has a grip on me!
Keep walking...

Good things

Sometimes I don't think I deserve good things. And I tend to sabotage things in my life. Been doing that for a long time.
I say I don't care about what others think, but I do way to much.

Depression is real

Depression is a real thing. That is one of the things Robin Williams struggled with. I struggle with depression, some times I am ok and other days I feel like I am in a pit. Feeling pretty depressed today. Been sick for about a week and a half. It gets lonely been home all the time.
Depression is not weakness. And some times u can't will your way out of it. Christ tells us to cling to Him. And I am clinging but I still do struggle.
I am going to keep walking

Robin Williams

Sad day today, Robin Williams committed suicide. He was one of my favorite actors. He was so funny. He struggled with addiction like many people do. It is so sad that his life ended this way.
One thing that happens is people will judge him for what he did. But we should not judge, but we should be willing to help others in hard places so they won't feel they need to end there lives.
One thing I have learned there is all ways hope. Things might seem hard but there is all ways hope! Jesus is my hope and others need to hear that.

Tired of being sick

So tired of always being sick. This is sure not the life I would of picked. I know I wrote yesterday that I am trying to just accept all this. I hate that some people think I fake it sometimes. Today I am feeling really sick, days like this I wish the Lord would just take me home.
But I need to just keep pressing on.

God will never forshake me

I have been written off by many people. Told by a local pastor that he could not work with me because I am unfaithful. Had another pastor out west tell my ex wife confidential things. Have people that use to be my friends that will not have anything to do with me.
I am sick and often lonely.
It does not matter what others think of me because God thinks I am something and He will never leave me or forshake me!

Step one.....

Had a rough night last night. Did not get to sleep until 3:30am for some reason. I have been thinking a lot about the twelve steps. The twelve steps can be used for  more than drugs and Alchol. Like step one. I am powrless over alchol can be replaced with any thing. I am powerless over my diabetes and being sick. I can do what I am suppose to do to try and make it better. But there is nothing I can do to tottally make it go away. I need to stop all ways being frustrated because that does no good. Worrying about what other peoople think of me allways being sick does no good. I need to give it to God and try and do the best I can. I all ways wanted to make big impact in peoples lives. And I don't feel I am able to do that. Maybe God's idea and my idea of making a big impact is diffrent. My idea is to preach and teach, but maybe God's idea is diffrent. I some times feel that I have no purpose becuase I am not doing what I think I should be doing. But maybe God's purpose for me is being where I am and doing what I am doing today. I need to truly turn my life and will over to the care of God and not just say that I am doing it! Today I am going to try and have a better attitude at where God has me today and stop wishing I was someone else!

Start of August

The month of August started out pretty good. Had a great visit with my kids last weekend. We went to Noahs Ark in Wisconsin Dells and had a great time.
Then on Sunday I got sick with my bad stomach from diabetes and went to the hospital and just got out on Friday morning. While I was there I got pneumonia. So I am taking meds for that. Stomach is better, but now trying to recover from pneumonia. Which is pretty painful. It seems that my health is getting worst these days. Which is making it tough to go and see my kids.
Being sick all the time sucks, but I have to deal with it. One of the struggles is that my ex thinks I am not as sick as I really am. So when can't make it she turns it around and says I did not want to come.
I don't want to all ways wine about my health, but right now it's what I am dealing with.
I am still trusting in Him knowing that He is in control. I want to work but today I am not able to work. I often wonder when my health gets bad what is my purpose. Again I am trying to trust in Him.
I am going ti keep walking.