Alaska!!!

Being in Alaska is sure a different experience. This morning its a nice twelve degrees below zero! The sun does not shine until about ten o' Clock. And it is dark by four or five in the afternoon. But it is a beautiful place to be. We are surrounded by wonderful and glorious mountains. On sunny days the sun reflects the beauty of the snow topped mountains. The roads are covered with a thin coat of snow, as it is so cold they cant clear it all off. As I opened the door the other night I was welcomed by a two year old moose who was enjoying the salt we had put on our steps. He payed no attention to me as I opened the door shocked and wondering what on earth this big beast was. My brother walked over to me and said yep that's a two year old moose. We stood there for awhile watching this moose enjoying his treat until he noticed us and walked away. As you drive into Palmer you go over a river. The last few days steam has been coming up from it as it warms a little bit in the day and gets cold again at night. Alaska is one of those places that every one should go to before they die.

What's a amazing about this trip is that my family wants me here! One of the gifts of the program. Its a house full of life and energy, to much for me some time. My mom and my brother and his wife and kids all live in the same house. They have seven kids from the ages 20 to 6. But it is a blessing to have time with all of them. From little Abby all ways saying, " My Uncle" to Hannah and I cracking up at something stupid I said or something funny we are talking about. I walked in the living room the other day and Jim had his gun apart and his bullets all over the floor. Theres no dull moment in the Eaches house up here in Alaska. What's really scary is simion who is 14 reminds me of myself when I was his age, poor kid.

There has been no rock throwing or condemning of me in this house since I have been here. Which they all probably could throw a rock or two at me for the things I have done in the past. Its a house full of love and acceptance. I have done amends to all the family members here that I have needed to do. And they have accepted me and loved me.

Another miracle of the program is that I am going back to Ames to be with my dad. And the big miralce is that he wants me there. Maybe its because he has a new puppy and needs me there, no thats not the case. I have prayed for years that God would restore my relatioinship with my dad. And it seems that is happening.

As you know I was going to move back to Eureka because I am no longer able to see my kids for at least a year I am told. But I am not going to run. I am going to stay in Ames so when my kids need me and when I am able to see them they will know I am near by. I know if I keep doing what I am doing God will keep doing what He is doing.

I am thankful to God this morning that I can spend time with my family and that healing is happening in my life. Some areas it is happening quickly and some areas it is happening slowly, but if I keep working the program and walking with Jesus things will keep getting better. That does not mean that pain will not come, because in my life pain equals growth.

A better way

As I go through this new life that the twelve steps and Jesus has given me I have had ups and downs. This road was never promised to be easy. I use to drink to hide my feelings and the pain of life. Today I have tools to get through the pain.
While being here in Alaska I have been able to go and do service work at meetings. The fellowship is a wonderful thing. Today I don't have to react to negative things by responding badly. Not that I do this all the time, but the more I live the program the better my life is.

A few more weeks and I will be back on Ames Iowa, hopefully I will have grown a little bit.

Knee jerk reaction

Sitting here stuck in a snow bank waiting for my brother to pull me out. Another piece of humble pie. Good lesson not to park to close to snow bank.
It will be one week tomorrow since I have been here in Alaska. Its been fun and crazy. The house is full of life, some times to much life for me.
I have had a chance to really be in prayer the last few days. My old reaction to problems is to run from them. So at the time when I got that letter it sounded like a good idea to move back to Eureka. But that is old behavior. What I need to do is go back to Ames so I am there when I can see my kids. I know I am a flake, and if some want to think that well that's ok.
So after visiting here I am going back to Ames. My knee jerk reaction was just that, a knee jerk reaction.
I guess this is all in the growth process. I am sure not perfect yet!

Wreckage

I have been told many times that pain equals growth. I believe that to be true, but it's a hard and sometimes a lonely road. Trying to clear the wreckage of the past is becoming very hard. I feel sometimes just giving up. But I am going to continue to keep walking.
I am confused what the right move is for me. I am struggling with depression pretty hard right now, but I am going to keep walking!

He is strong

Life has been crazy! It is great being here in Alaska! I am still trying to put my mind around the little note I got from my ex. And still trying to figure out what God's will is for me. My first reaction was to just run back to Eureka, but is that the answer? Some times in life there is not a clear answer what the right thing is.

Feeling tired and still hurting a little bit from my surgery. When I am weak He is strong.

Being all things to all people, WHAT?

¹⁹ Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. ²⁰ When I was with the Jews, I lived like a Jew to bring the Jews to Christ. When I was with those who follow the Jewish law, I too lived under that law. Even though I am not subject to the law, I did this so I could bring to Christ those who are under the law. ²¹ When I am with the Gentiles who do not follow the Jewish law,^[d] I too live apart from that law so I can bring them to Christ. But I do not ignore the law of God; I obey the law of Christ.
²² When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. ²³ I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.
²⁴ Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. ²⁶ So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. ²⁷ I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. 1 Corninthians 9:19-27)

This is part of our study tonight at Men’s Bible Study. We are on the chapter of 1 Corinthians 9. I am leading tonight, which is the first time I have led a Bible study in over a year! The scripture above really impacts me. Paul says I become all things to all people so some may be saved. That is my heart right now. It seems in main line Christianity we want to fit in this nice little box. But if Paul becomes all things to all people what would that look like today? Would Paul go into a Bar? Would Paul go to an AA meeting and talk like they talk? Would Paul go to the streets and do what they do? This blows our mind. Paul would not get drunk or use drugs, that’s my guess but he would go into those places. Would he be welcome in our churches if he did that? And what about Jesus. Who did He come to save? He can to save those who most of us would cross the street to avoid. As I am relearning what the Bible really teaches, I am seeing that our idea of a pretty little church is not really what Paul or Jesus thought or lived. Am I so concerned what others think that I will just “play Church”, or will I truly live a life that Jesus and Paul lived. This stuff really makes you think if you read what the word says and not what you want it to say. Just saying, not judging!

Forgiveness

One of the best thing that happened here in Iowa that I have been able to get to know my dad better. Through the twelve steps I truly forgave my dad. I am so thankful for him. He helped me out a lot and when I had surgery I could not have done it with out him. He has gone above and beyound. It is hard leaving him, but the bond between us has become strong and I an sure he will visit and I will to! Thanks dad for being there for me in this time. Love you dad.

Curve Ball

Some times in life we get a curve ball. It does not all ways go the way you had planned. Back in the summer I struggled very hard with leaving a place o loved to go back to Iowa and be closer with my kids. After much prayer I decided to go closer to my kids.
Through my drinking I had hurt my family in many ways. I was able to only see my kids twice since my health went to hell! For some reason my ex wife has decided I can't see my kids for a year. No reason given so I don't know what I did. The way the divorce decree is written she can do this. I trusted her when she said I will never keep the kids from u. When I revived this short letter last week I was devastated. My thought is who the hell is this woman.
I have decided that for now I can't afford and my health can't handle a fight. And I don't want to put the kids through all of this. So I am moving back to Eureka. After my trip to Alaska I am going to California. I know that a lot of people will agree or disagree with me and that's fine. I have to do first of all what's going to keep me sober. And second what I think the right thing to do is. All I know I am still sober today and it looks pretty good I will make it tomorrow. Know one said this sobriety road would be easy, but I would rather have a bad day sober than a good day drunk any day.

I will sire be visiting Iowa again since my dad is here and the kids are here too. With God al things are possible.

Good Report

Doctor visit went well. No cancer and I get to go to see all the Alaska Eaches! I leave a week from today!

It is easy to have great news but then focus on the one bad thing of the day! Still don't have the acceptance thing down as well as I would like! But, I am going to keep walking!

Trusting in HIM

Life is a lot like the seasons here in Iowa. The seasons change and life changes. In life we live in different seasons. Maybe it’s a season of blessing where everything is fitting into place or maybe is a season of sadness where we have experienced a loss or are going through some pain. And maybe it’s a season of change. They say in Iowa if you don’t like the weather wait five minutes and it will change. Isn’t that how life can be some time. I have realized the last few days that my perception on life is not all ways right. That’s why I have to go to the fellowship and go to church. Both of these places help me see who I really am. Then when I read the books, the bible and the Big Book I really see where I am and where I need to be.

My biggest fear in life is that I won’t matter. That I won’t impact the world in any way. That fear seems to come out strong when I am sick or in the hospital or just had surgery. But I have to step back and see that for me that is not the point in life. The point in life is to be more like Christ. That does not mean live by the standards of men, but the standards of Jesus. All those years of drinking never changed my status with Jesus. I am still His, He still has me as His son. We talk about forgiveness in the church. And on forgiveness I say talk is cheap. For me the hardest person to forgive is myself. Once I can forgive myself that is when true growth happens.

Any hoot, I say all that to say that today is my doctor’s appointment when I find out if the biopsy came back showing any thing and if I can go to Alaska next Tuesday. I can either worry or give those cares to Jesus. That is what I am learning. In life there are many things I can worry or get angry about. But if I truly believe that HE is in control what do I have to worry about? Don’t know if any of this makes since so if you can get something out of this that is good! So today I am going to keep walking!

Baby Steps

Last Sunday marked my 14th month of being sober. The most sobriety time I had to this point was 18 months, but I was not working any program and I was pretty much off the hook. I was white knuckleing it. But I was full of resentments and anger. For me it was not until I went to AA and worked the steps that I have found true sobriety. I stopped trying to stop drinking for every one else and am know doing it for my self. I was told many times if I really wanted to stop I would and I did not have enough faith in Jesus. Once in AA I realized that I was sick, and my medicine was AA. So for me today I need AA and I need Jesus.
Life has been hard since I have been sober, but I can do through any thing and not drink. I am in trouble if I don't work the program of AA and don't work the program of Jesus!

More will be revealed!

Finding out more about my surgery I had last Monday. The doc never really talked to me but he talked to my dad. I asked dad last night all that went on in my surgery, well the biggest thing that he told me is that they had to take a biopsy of something and had to send it out to make sure it is not cancer. He is not sure what it was they had to biopsy. So I will find out on the 12th when I have my postop appointment. The surgery  was longer than they thought it would be and the doc told my dad I will be struggling with the pain for a few weeks. This has been the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Monday and Tuesday were pretty good days. And then yesterday and today the pain has been pretty bad.
Just an update for u all and it u pray please pray for me. God is teaching me something, trying to figure out what! All I can do today is keep on keeping on!

Have we forgot how to be thankful?

The Bible says give thanks in every thing. The fellowship has taught me to be grateful and even in the worst of times there is all ways something to be grateful for!

It seems that America wants to skip the thankful holiday and go right to Christmas. Christmas music is all ready playing. I think we need to all ways be thankful, but lets forget the holiday that we call Thanksgiving. We need that in America because we do a lot of complaining, so Thanksgiving is a good time to stop and be thankful.
I am grateful and thankful for: God, my sobriety, and my family. I am all so grateful and thankful that I have diabetes because I have to rely on God, thankful for all my health problems because when I am weak HE is strong.
So let's be thankful and grateful in all things!!

Diabetic awareness month

November is diabetic awareness month. We all probably know someone that has diabetes. Especially type two. Type two you get when you are older and many times you can reverse type two by diet and exercise and by loosing a few pounds. Usually if u have type to u can take a pill and not insulin. They know that type two is genetic. Both of my brother's have type two diabetes. Its a hard road to be on.
Now I am the lucky one in the family to have type one diabetes. I got diagnosed at age 14. I have had some major stuggles through the years. My junior high and high school years were pretty good. I played sports and was very active. In my early 20s I started getting really sick and throwing up. Finally I Found my self in Mayo Clinic in Minnesota in 2007 where I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. That is where your food does not digest properly and you end up really sickens throwing up. At one point I had feeding tubes. I all so struggle with depression and I am recovering alcoholic and have been sober since September 3 2012. That sure did not help my diabetes. It seems that I am all ways sick with some thing and diabetes is a huge struggle. Bit today I am going to my diabetic doctor and doing the best I can. I get down about having diabetes, but I press on. On Monday o had a hernia surgery and of course my sugars took a hit. But I keep on getting up and trying to live life one day at a time. I try to encourage others to keep on keeping on.
So what can we do this month? Well first gives diabetic a break. Over the past 20s years i have seen society change there attitude towards diabetics. Especially towards type two, but people are hard on us ones to. Just be helpful and not critical.
Second you can donate to the American Diabetes Association or other diabetic groups.
Third do some thing crazy to spread awareness. Like o am growing out my beard this month and when some one asks me why I am doing it I will tell them.
If I are in your 30s ans beyond do every thing you can not to get it!

Gratitude in the midst of pain

It's been a hard week physically for me and for some of my friends! My surgery was not planned, which is a good thing because if I knew how hard this surgery was to recover from and I had time to think about I would of tried to get out of it. But they knew I needed surgery any I needed it right away. I did not know that u could have such a bad hernia that they had to do an emergency hernia survey. What I mean by that is I went to the doctor at 3 and was on the table by 7pm. I told them that I had eaten that day, but that did not change there mind. This is probably the worst pain I have been in. I just hope it will be better so I can go to Alaska.
But even with all the pain and feeling like crap God is still good. I a very blessed first of all I get to do this sober. Secound I am blessed by having my dad here for most of the week. I would not have been even able to get off the couch some days if it was not for him. Third I have been blessed by all the encouraging phone calls and visits. Especially when one of my visitors brought me pizza! Even through the pain I can be grateful!
By the way I am going to be laid up for a few more days and I love visitors and phone calls :-)