Good health!!

The last few days have been great health days. I am still trying to get use to this new found good health. I am still falling asleep way to early and getting up WAY to early! I got off some pain meds that were making me pretty numb. Now I am more awake in my brain. Now I am struggling with loneliness. When I was so drugged out I did not care now I am struggling with loneliness again. Missing my kids a lot. I am still staying in the word every day. Got slack with my 90 day reading plan while getting ready for teaching the book of Joel this past Sunday. But I was still in the Word. But I am back on tract today. Loneliness really gets me, I hate it! I hate being separated from my family. But I did it to myself. When I was so drugged up I did not care now my feelings are back and I care, I can feel again. Those meds really messed me up! My days are LONG and I am a people person. So now it's back to focusing on God! He is preparing me for something, I don't know what and I hope it's to start preaching soon :-) But I am going to keep doing my podcast!

I am going to keep walking...

Feeling like giving up!

The pain continues to be so bad I just don't know what to do anymore! The feeling of giving up is so strong. I am just so tired of being hungry all the time and in pain. The pull of just taking a bunch of anxiety pills has been strong the last couple of days. 

Then I guess I guess I had a pity party at church yesterday, yes I had a pity party. I am told to do outreach but the new budget came out and they didn't even meet me in the middle with money to work with. 

My emotions are pretty raw right now doing a lot of crying! 

I know I can't give up but it's getting hard! I am back to reading the bible in 90 days again. Trying to bath myself with scripture. Not doing it for any glory but to become more like Jesus! 

There has to be a reason for this trial, for this valley. Right now it doesn't seem like I am ever going to get through this. 

Oh God give me some Hope during this storm!

Terrible Pain

The pain in my legs and feet have been so bad yesterday and today. It's almost unbearable! I had physical therapy yesterday and it flared up the pain. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like my doctors are listening to me. I feel like throwing in the towel! Just giving up but I don't know what that means either! I am just so tired of this terrible pain all the time day in and day out! Oh God hear my cry!!!

Resting in Him

That deep depression that just does not go away. I have this pain in my heart that keeps hurting and I don’t know why. I am reading my Bible and praying and I am reaching out and I am still depressed. I feel like I am in this pit and I can’t get out. I guess I am tired of being alone all the time. Being sick and alone. I have my hope in Jesus so why am I depressed? I guess many Christians who struggle with depression ask that question. I have been diagnosed with bipolar and sometimes it gets hard. I take my meds when I am should but it is a battle. Somedays I feel like giving up, but I know that I can’t.

I have learned through the past few years feels come and go but I don’t have to act on them. That’s why I need to know the Truth of God’s Word. His Truth never changes! Even if I don’t feel like it, it’s true! The more I can read His Word the better I am when I get when I get depressed. It’s o.k to be down but it’s not o.k. to have bad actions when I am down. I can cry and cry out to the Lord, that is o.k. He cares and listens when I cry out. But my old ways of dealing with things are not o.k.

When David was struggling he wrote a Psalm. We can see through his writings he struggled with depression. There is something about writing and writing to God that helps us out. My heart might be down cast right now but my love for Jesus never fades! During the last few days I have been reading the Bible more and praying and crying out to Jesus. He hears me and loves me! I just want Him to take away my sickness and pain, but for some reason God sees fit to have me in this situation. It’s hard, but when I am weak He is strong! Today I am going to rest in Him!

Trust in God no matter what

I have been in a deep depression for a few days. I am reading my bible, praying and reaching out to others and yet I am still depressed. I'm also struggling with being lonely. 

I use to react negatively when I was depressed by drinking or other sinful actions. I try to seek after my savior. Sometimes my depression last a few hours but it's but a long time it has lasted this long. It's easy to feed into it and focus on the negative. Instead of how far I have grown I start going back to the past, my past sins. 

Even in the bible guys struggled with depression just read the Psalms. David had to have struggled with it, but he kept pressing on. I think we forget sometimes that the men and women of the bible were just human like us. They served the same God we serve. 

God never changes we do. In my darkest days like today I need to remember that! I don't understand why I am going through all of this pain and suffering but God does! 

My prayer tonight is that I trust in God who knows all things. Trust in God who is in control and who loves me so very much! To keep on keeping on no matter what!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness! We like it when others and God gives it to us, but we often have a hard time forgiven others! Or we say I will forgive but will never forget, but God forgets our sins and remembers no more. We put conditions on forgiveness but God doesn't. If we are to be like Christ then we must forgive like Christ! 

Do you ever read what people post on Facebook and think whatever. The person posted something that goes against what they did to you or how they are treating you. I wondering how that is how God feels about us sometimes. He says He loves me but he is not acting like it!

We all need to forgive like Jesus and to live like Him. One day at a time! 

Gods Word not Feelings...

For me the last couple of days is good example of way I need to know what the bible says. That is the the Truth. When my my feelings go crazy like they sure did I can go back to to Truth!. That's why I can't go by my feelings but hold on to the word of God! I don't always feel like a Christian but the bible says I am always His. Feeling will come and go but Gods word will last forever!