I am struggling so much tonight. Had a huge weekend this part weekend. Went to Chicago to audition for my comedy. I guess I am struggling with the let down. I am very depressed tonight and I feel like drinking. My biggest discouragement tonight is I can't get a hold of my kids. My ex wife tryst to keep them away from me and has been doing this for years. I get into moods like this and I feel like throwing in the towel. I moved out here to be able to see my kids more, but that sure is not happening.
But my feelings are just feelings and I know these feelings will pass but I am sure struggling tonight!
Monday, January 26, 2015
The Struggle
Monday, January 12, 2015
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Seize the day!
For some reason I have not been blogging much the last few weeks. My health seems to be getting better the last few weeks. I have been able to start eating regular food which is great. Getting ready to try out my comedy in Chicago at the end of the month. Trying to take more positive chances in life. To get out of my comfort zone. It would be easy to just stay home and not take chances. It is scary sometimes. What's the worst thing that could happen? I started to volunteer at a local radio station here in town. I love doing radio stuff.
After all the health stuff I went through last year I am trying to "seize the day" as much as I can. I way to much focus on the past and let it slow me down. But the past is the past. Easier said then done looking forward. Fear is the cause of most of my problems today. I am leaning that I should not be afraid of failure. Failure for me is not trying to move forward in life and to try new things. I have in my life done and tried a lot of negative things in my life. I am going to do positive things.
I hope I can remember to write in this more. Let's all seize this day for the good!
Sunday, December 21, 2014
The Holy Spirit
It's the week of Christmas. I am excited I get to spend Christmas Eve with my kids! The last two weeks have been good and bad. I am slowly cleaning up some messes I have caused from the last month and a half or so. I have learned that even when we don't drink we can sure cause messes in our lives and others. It is hard time for me to obey what God wants. As a Christian I have the Holy Spirit who convicts me and sometimes I ignore the Holy Spirit. I might be able to do that for awhile, but the conviction gets so strong I either listen or try to ignore more which does not work for me. I get into trouble when I start playing God.
Friday, December 12, 2014
It's been a rough one......
It's been awhile since I have written in here. Honestly I have not known what to write as I have really been struggling. The biggest away of struggle has been my spiritual life. I was not obeying God in an area and so instead of listing to Him I just was trying to step away from Him. Made a horrible move and was mad at the church, because I knew they where going to call me on my sin and I withdrew from the Church. Not some of my best moments as a Christian. Obeying God has not been a strong point for me in my life. Last Tuesday was a spiritual awaking if you will, had my eyes open to what I was doing and now I am doing the best I can to clean up that wreckage. Hurt people in the process which was not what I attended. I seem to mess things up pretty good. But, I have confessed my sin to the Lord and others. Like He tells us to do in his word. It is amazing to me all the wreckage I have caused in the pass. Like my Pastor growing up use to say, Sin will take you farther than you want to go keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay. So, very true!
Then on top of that I have been struggling with some deep depression. I thought that after I did what I needed to do and get right with God that my depression would ease up. But they tell me I have bi-polar. So they are trying some new med and it's been hard being on it. I am just feeling like crap all the time. Trying to just pull through.
I am going to keep walking....
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Today I am o.k.....
Starting last Wednesday I seem to have turned a corner on my health. My depression seems to be at bay right now. Which is great. I am physically feeling a lit better. The iron infusions seem to be working and the B12 shots are working. I started physical therapy on Monday which is good and hard. This coming Tuesday I am getting to have a new and better tube placed in my stomach. I am feeling better right now then I have in months!
I have realized that I need to really focus on my recovery. It is easy as the big book says to rest on my laurels. I know when I let up on my recovery I am in trouble. If I was to get drunk I am no good to anyone.
Some might say I have become liberal or even that I abounded my faith which is not true. My faith is more than church attendance or what I do or don't do. I realize that I don't fit in the tradition fundamental box any more. I know some won't understand and that is o.k. I know that God still loves me.
There is more growing to come in my life. Today I am sober and today I realize that me, you and everyone else has value.
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