The last couple of weeks I have been struggling with some deep depression. I have tried to mask it and even wanted to run away from it. Yesterday was my birthday. When I look at my life it is easy for me to think that my life is events of failers. Once I start looking back at what I have done I get depressed. I was reminded yesterday by a friend how gifted of a speaker I am, but through sinful actions it seems that I have blown that. So I have let my self look back and when I look back I get more depressed. Paul tells me not to look back but to push forward. Paul had made a lot of mistakes in his pass. Paul understood that if he looked back it would of held him back. I fall into the trap to many times that maybe others fall into, I sinned and fell hard so therefor I am no longer worthy or able to serve God. When I look at the Bible I know that is not to be true. Peter denied Christ three times, but once He repented Jesus used him.
Another thing I have noticed about my self the last few weeks is that I have a lot of pride in my life. I have all ways wanted to be the center of attention. To be the big thunderstorm in life. But in the body of Christ God wants us to serve Him no matter what. Maybe God is calling me to be that one rain drop instead of the thunderstorm. I love to preach and teach, but maybe I need to learn to serve God more in the back ground. Which has never been my strong point. I have been challenged this weekend to serve God where I am at in life right here right now.
I think I have been asking the wrong question. Instead of God why did you bring me here I need to be asking God how do you want me to serve you. Today I need to give up my will and my idea of what I think I should be doing. And start asking and doing what God wants me to be doing.
Not sure if any of this makes sense, but at least it makes sense to me :-)
Keep walking!
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