Alaska!!!

Being in Alaska is sure a different experience. This morning its a nice twelve degrees below zero! The sun does not shine until about ten o' Clock. And it is dark by four or five in the afternoon. But it is a beautiful place to be. We are surrounded by wonderful and glorious mountains. On sunny days the sun reflects the beauty of the snow topped mountains. The roads are covered with a thin coat of snow, as it is so cold they cant clear it all off. As I opened the door the other night I was welcomed by a two year old moose who was enjoying the salt we had put on our steps. He payed no attention to me as I opened the door shocked and wondering what on earth this big beast was. My brother walked over to me and said yep that's a two year old moose. We stood there for awhile watching this moose enjoying his treat until he noticed us and walked away. As you drive into Palmer you go over a river. The last few days steam has been coming up from it as it warms a little bit in the day and gets cold again at night. Alaska is one of those places that every one should go to before they die.

What's a amazing about this trip is that my family wants me here! One of the gifts of the program. Its a house full of life and energy, to much for me some time. My mom and my brother and his wife and kids all live in the same house. They have seven kids from the ages 20 to 6. But it is a blessing to have time with all of them. From little Abby all ways saying, " My Uncle" to Hannah and I cracking up at something stupid I said or something funny we are talking about. I walked in the living room the other day and Jim had his gun apart and his bullets all over the floor. Theres no dull moment in the Eaches house up here in Alaska. What's really scary is simion who is 14 reminds me of myself when I was his age, poor kid.

There has been no rock throwing or condemning of me in this house since I have been here. Which they all probably could throw a rock or two at me for the things I have done in the past. Its a house full of love and acceptance. I have done amends to all the family members here that I have needed to do. And they have accepted me and loved me.

Another miracle of the program is that I am going back to Ames to be with my dad. And the big miralce is that he wants me there. Maybe its because he has a new puppy and needs me there, no thats not the case. I have prayed for years that God would restore my relatioinship with my dad. And it seems that is happening.

As you know I was going to move back to Eureka because I am no longer able to see my kids for at least a year I am told. But I am not going to run. I am going to stay in Ames so when my kids need me and when I am able to see them they will know I am near by. I know if I keep doing what I am doing God will keep doing what He is doing.

I am thankful to God this morning that I can spend time with my family and that healing is happening in my life. Some areas it is happening quickly and some areas it is happening slowly, but if I keep working the program and walking with Jesus things will keep getting better. That does not mean that pain will not come, because in my life pain equals growth.

A better way

As I go through this new life that the twelve steps and Jesus has given me I have had ups and downs. This road was never promised to be easy. I use to drink to hide my feelings and the pain of life. Today I have tools to get through the pain.
While being here in Alaska I have been able to go and do service work at meetings. The fellowship is a wonderful thing. Today I don't have to react to negative things by responding badly. Not that I do this all the time, but the more I live the program the better my life is.

A few more weeks and I will be back on Ames Iowa, hopefully I will have grown a little bit.

Knee jerk reaction

Sitting here stuck in a snow bank waiting for my brother to pull me out. Another piece of humble pie. Good lesson not to park to close to snow bank.
It will be one week tomorrow since I have been here in Alaska. Its been fun and crazy. The house is full of life, some times to much life for me.
I have had a chance to really be in prayer the last few days. My old reaction to problems is to run from them. So at the time when I got that letter it sounded like a good idea to move back to Eureka. But that is old behavior. What I need to do is go back to Ames so I am there when I can see my kids. I know I am a flake, and if some want to think that well that's ok.
So after visiting here I am going back to Ames. My knee jerk reaction was just that, a knee jerk reaction.
I guess this is all in the growth process. I am sure not perfect yet!

Wreckage

I have been told many times that pain equals growth. I believe that to be true, but it's a hard and sometimes a lonely road. Trying to clear the wreckage of the past is becoming very hard. I feel sometimes just giving up. But I am going to continue to keep walking.
I am confused what the right move is for me. I am struggling with depression pretty hard right now, but I am going to keep walking!

He is strong

Life has been crazy! It is great being here in Alaska! I am still trying to put my mind around the little note I got from my ex. And still trying to figure out what God's will is for me. My first reaction was to just run back to Eureka, but is that the answer? Some times in life there is not a clear answer what the right thing is.

Feeling tired and still hurting a little bit from my surgery. When I am weak He is strong.

Being all things to all people, WHAT?

¹⁹ Even though I am a free man with no master, I have become a slave to all people to bring many to Christ. ²⁰ When I was with the Jews, I lived like a Jew to bring the Jews to Christ. When I was with those who follow the Jewish law, I too lived under that law. Even though I am not subject to the law, I did this so I could bring to Christ those who are under the law. ²¹ When I am with the Gentiles who do not follow the Jewish law,^[d] I too live apart from that law so I can bring them to Christ. But I do not ignore the law of God; I obey the law of Christ.
²² When I am with those who are weak, I share their weakness, for I want to bring the weak to Christ. Yes, I try to find common ground with everyone, doing everything I can to save some. ²³ I do everything to spread the Good News and share in its blessings.
²⁴ Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! ²⁵ All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. ²⁶ So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. ²⁷ I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. 1 Corninthians 9:19-27)

This is part of our study tonight at Men’s Bible Study. We are on the chapter of 1 Corinthians 9. I am leading tonight, which is the first time I have led a Bible study in over a year! The scripture above really impacts me. Paul says I become all things to all people so some may be saved. That is my heart right now. It seems in main line Christianity we want to fit in this nice little box. But if Paul becomes all things to all people what would that look like today? Would Paul go into a Bar? Would Paul go to an AA meeting and talk like they talk? Would Paul go to the streets and do what they do? This blows our mind. Paul would not get drunk or use drugs, that’s my guess but he would go into those places. Would he be welcome in our churches if he did that? And what about Jesus. Who did He come to save? He can to save those who most of us would cross the street to avoid. As I am relearning what the Bible really teaches, I am seeing that our idea of a pretty little church is not really what Paul or Jesus thought or lived. Am I so concerned what others think that I will just “play Church”, or will I truly live a life that Jesus and Paul lived. This stuff really makes you think if you read what the word says and not what you want it to say. Just saying, not judging!

Forgiveness

One of the best thing that happened here in Iowa that I have been able to get to know my dad better. Through the twelve steps I truly forgave my dad. I am so thankful for him. He helped me out a lot and when I had surgery I could not have done it with out him. He has gone above and beyound. It is hard leaving him, but the bond between us has become strong and I an sure he will visit and I will to! Thanks dad for being there for me in this time. Love you dad.